I don't want to live with OH's brother

[Dingdong99]

DH and I have two small kids together and have been together for 10 years

He has one sibling, a 36 year old brother, who still lives with his parents as he has SEN. His parents are getting on a bit now and I'm concerned about what the future is for his brother, and where he will end up living once his parents pass away

I have recently been stressing a lot about him coming to have to live with us, to the point that I cannot sleep at night and am only getting a few hours each night

This is a very difficult subject for me to talk about with DH, as he is extremely defensive over his brother (understandably), and we have literally only talked about it twice, ever. Both times went very badly, but the upshot is that DH says he'll have to live with us

I've managed to speak to my in-laws about this and while they say he won't have to live with us, the have made no moves to move him out

I just don't think him living with us will do anyone any good - my DH and him bicker and argue constantly when they see each other, and I know it's selfish but I just won't want to have to live with anyone that's not my DH or kids!

I'm going around in circles in my head constantly atm and it's really worrying me. Not sure what to do or how to approach talking about it. I'm scared to bring it up with DH again in case it's blows up and he tells me again he'll have to live with us

It is a shame you are worrying alone and your DH does sound to have his head in the sand a little which could then be a car crash for your marriage when his parents can no longer cope.

A friend had a similar issue although not with her DH. She had been very proactive as her brother had sen which were getting worse as he got older. She found him a place in fabulous supported living with a charity which was fab...but her parents wouldn't hear of it, despite it giving hi. The option to start develop towards independent living. So he is in the place of your BIL that when the inevitable happens he just won't cope and unless he lives with you will become just another mental health system victim.

I think sometimes the Laurent's become dependent on the child, despite their sen

You have a choice who you live with. Insist he cannot live with you. Your husband can move out to live with him if he wants.

I know it doesn't feel that simple but it is.

Is supported living (as mentioned by a PP) for your BIL not a possibility OP? Could you do some research on what this will entail?

If that's not possible and your DH won't budge what are you planning to do? I think you might need to think seriously about this if you are forced into the "solution" your DH has in mind.

You need to have the conversation with your dh that you don't want to have his brother living with you.

It sounds like he's quite set on this happening, however, but you do have a choice and presumably he's expecting you would be doing the caring?

You need to have that uncomfortable conversation.

I think it’s quite selfish of your in-laws as well.

We have a severely disabled young adult son who lives with us but have made it very clear to his older brothers that they are not responsible for him. When the time comes that we are unable to look after him at home then it’s our responsibility to find a suitable home for him.

You need to speak to your husband now while the parents have time to sort out alternatives.

Does your brother in law want to live with you? Is he able to make that decision or do others have Power of Attorney? I agree with others you need to have a difficult conversation with dh and In laws. From what you describe your brother-in-law moving in would not be feasible. If your dh insists then you have to decide if its a step too far in your marriage. Good Luck x

Is supported living for your BIL not an option, why you people?. How aware is your DH here re his brother, my guess is he has no real idea what his brother's life is like for him day to day. If your BIL and your H already bicker when together, what are they going to be like towards each other when living under the same roof.

Why does your H feel so obligated here?.

You’ve tried discussing it with your H but he isn’t interested.

Do your research and find out what support is available for your BIL. Armed with information, speak to your PIL directly. Frame it as you’re worried about the relationship between their sons if they were to live together (cite their current proximity squabbles). They are probably aware that practically speaking m, your H would be of very little support to his brother. Encourage and enable your PIL to put in place plans that would safeguard both their sons futures.

What kind of care does your BIL need? Who will be expected to do the caring when he moves in? Is the caring compatible with holding down a full time job?

As pp said, arm yourself with research, find out the different options available which are near you so your DH can go to him often and be there when needed.

I’d be unemotional and lay down the options and tell him what you personally are willing to do. Your DH needs to be clear you will not be the carer of his brother.

I work in ASC and would encourage his parents to consider options now. He is an adult, albeit one with additional needs and its normal for adults to move out independently rather than living with ageing parents. Its nicer for parents to see their child settled before they are too old to care for them any longer. It is not a given that he lives with you. You can say no and if you cant then you have a DH problem as they say. Supported living in a shared house, flat or independent flat with support going in all great options depending on his ability. The local ASC team will be able to assess him and discuss options.

Thank you everyone for your comments

His parents have said that in order to get him social housing, they'd have to declare him homeless, and he could then be housed anywhere in London, and it wouldn't necessarily be in their borough or near them

Is there any way around that?

Tell your husband that if he wants to care for his brother that is fine, but you won't be doing that.
If he wants to buy the house nextdoor so you are neighbours, fine.

Re your comment:-

"His parents have said that in order to get him social housing, they'd have to declare him homeless, and he could then be housed anywhere in London, and it wouldn't necessarily be in their borough or near them"

This does not sound right at all. I would actually contact Shelter here as I would think the criteria for supported living services is far different.

Do you know if your BIL has a personal care plan?. What support has he received from agencies to date?.

And better to have the conversation now before the time comes when emotions will be running even higher! Be determined that an agreement will be reached now and tell your dh that or he might try and leave it open ended. Good luck.

Why is this causing you so much anxiety right now? You didn't indicate in your post that your BIL will be moving in with you imminently. Maybe I've misunderstood?

I'm not trying to sound callous. I appreciate it's a real worry. However it sounds like you have an extreme level of anxiety (persistent sleep problems, repetitive thoughts) about a situation that may not happen for some time.

Do you often struggle to manage your anxiety levels when you perceive issues that could come up in the future?

You would benefit from considering some support for your anxiety. Which in turn will help you to address this sort of issue in a more manageable way.

I think it's very natural for your husband to want to care for his brother. He's his brother. I'd feel the same in his place.

But your not wanting to share a house is also perfectly reasonable. I've seen a somewhat similar situation.

I agree that the only way forward is a frank conversation with your DH. Make it clear that he can still help and support his brother, just not have him live with you. If it was temporary (a few weeks or months) then it'd be fine, but this would presumably be until one of you dies. I wouldn't want to do it either.

I think it's important to explain that you understand that it's his brother and it's natural to want to help him, but helping does not automatically mean living together !

It's come to a head for me at the moment as we have been in uuuu

Sorry, pressed too soon. We have been staying with them since lockdown as we are both WFH full time so need our in-laws to look after our kids

Which has triggered my concerns about the future about it

If your BIL is 36 then your PIL may be in their sixties? You hopefully have a very long time before they become unable to care for him (perhaps 10, 20 even 30 years?)

Realistically there is absolutely no point in planning anything for BIL now because things may have changed drastically by the time he needs to move out.

When your PIL become unable to provide the care he needs, at that point you should contact Adult and Community services and they will assess BIL's needs and help find supported accommodation suitable for him. No making anyone homeless or moving in with you necessary at all.

The wrong person is losing sleep.

Your DH should be losing sleep at the thought of losing you if he doesn't get a good solution for his brother.

I can only assume that this is because you always back down first. He says BIL will live with him. You never say well me and the kids won't be living there with you.

Therefore he loses no sleep. He believes you will cave and BIL will live with you. You lose sleep because you believe the same thing.

Have the fights now. Make damn sure he knows this is a marriage breaker. If that is the case.

I agree with you.
I think that's your opening sentence - "Dh I know you love your brother but it has become apparent to me that I couldn't live with him full time when something happens to your parents, it is also clear that it wouldn't be in either of your best interests seeing as you bicker all the time, however we could fully help settle him elsewhere and keep in close contact ..."

His parents are healthy atm but mid 70s

So you are quite happy to take help from and live with your in-laws when it suits you, but not willing to return that help?

I’m not saying you are obliged to have your BIL live with you but it hardly seems right to raise it now when your PILs are doing so much for you.

What nonsense, your OH is being a drama queen.

There are such things as social workers and independent supervised living now.

Much better to do that but keep in close touch. You have to think does your OH's brother actually want to live with you. He may prefer to be independent.