I don't want to live with OH's brother

[Dingdong99]

DH and I have two small kids together and have been together for 10 years

He has one sibling, a 36 year old brother, who still lives with his parents as he has SEN. His parents are getting on a bit now and I'm concerned about what the future is for his brother, and where he will end up living once his parents pass away

I have recently been stressing a lot about him coming to have to live with us, to the point that I cannot sleep at night and am only getting a few hours each night

This is a very difficult subject for me to talk about with DH, as he is extremely defensive over his brother (understandably), and we have literally only talked about it twice, ever. Both times went very badly, but the upshot is that DH says he'll have to live with us

I've managed to speak to my in-laws about this and while they say he won't have to live with us, the have made no moves to move him out

I just don't think him living with us will do anyone any good - my DH and him bicker and argue constantly when they see each other, and I know it's selfish but I just won't want to have to live with anyone that's not my DH or kids!

I'm going around in circles in my head constantly atm and it's really worrying me. Not sure what to do or how to approach talking about it. I'm scared to bring it up with DH again in case it's blows up and he tells me again he'll have to live with us

Puzzled that sounds tough but like you really have got the best result for your son. It's so helpful to hear from someone who has gone through the same thing and come out of the other side

OK, so after your update we know - social services have been involved so BIL is on their radar. Tick. He has a job so has some independent active life. Tick. He wants to live with PIL and they want him to live with them. Tick.

If everyone is happy with the status quo then pushing PILs to move him out right now is not going to work and will just upset everyone. Brutally, both PILs are unlikely to drop down dead at the same time leaving BIL suddenly having to move out while grieving. More likely they will gradually get more frail and you will see the signs when things start getting too much for them. I suggest you keep an eye on how they're all getting along and start the discussions with social services about support for both PILs and BIL when needed. At that point BIL will become a priority as a vulnerable adult who needs suitable supported accommodation. At the moment frankly social services are not going to see any reason to rehouse him if everyone except you is happy with how things stand.

What you can do is openly discuss future options for BIL to get them all thinking and give positive examples of disabled adults you know who have moved into supported housing perhaps round the corner from their family.

if you have a challenged brother will you let him move in?

Let's hope you are never in a vulnerable situation when you need to move out if your home and with one of your children but end up in a nursing home because even though your children want to look after you, your SIL or DIL decides they don't want you in their house.

Sometimes you get what you sow.

I think one of the first posts I ever read on MN was a story like this OP but it was crunch time in that situation and the poster was horribly stressed, her PIL had died and her DH wanted to drive his DBro from his home at one end of the country to their home at the other end and then immediately leave him with her and the children while he headed off on one of his very frequent work trips. I don't remember how it worked out in the end unfortunately.

Don’tdisturb - you forget its likely to be in the best interest of adults with SEN to live as independently as possible in supported accommodation.

I'm not sure if housing associations everywhere are the same but with my local one you have to register online, telling them your circumstances. You are then given a 'band' based on priority.
Homes in the area are then added when they become available and you can apply for the ones you like the look of and the people highest in the queue are offered the property, i don't think your mil should be worried that he will be forced to live on the other side of London in a home that isn't suitable, you should definitely look into it.

I don't have any advice OP but I just wanted to say I admire anyone who wants to deal with a situation head on and not bury their head in the sand until the shit hits the fan.

Some posters on this thread would have you believe that if you borrowed a loaf of bread from your neighbour you'd then be indebted to feed their family for the rest of your life. It's like comparing apples with orangutans.

Let's hope you are never in a vulnerable situation when you need to move out if your home and with one of your children but end up in a nursing home because even though your children want to look after you, your SIL or DIL decides they don't want you in their house.

Sometimes you get what you sow.

Why one earth would the OP expect to live with one of her children if she becomes frail? I'd certainly not place that burden on a child even if they suggested it.