Miserly partner

[AnnaTomy]

My partner would describe himself as frugal. He retired at 58 - 7 years ago after a lifetime working all over the world as an engineer. I've known him 5 years. He's got money in pension funds he won't claim from, has a stash of cash and property abroad (that he rents and gives the proceeds to his adult son). He recently sold his home that he never lived in as he was always lodging with relatives. I'm 60 now but can't afford not to work. He's living in my tiny terraced house and thinks buying food (some not all) is good enough to pay his way. Meanwhile, I'm grafting 45 hours a week in a very stressful job that I'm desperate to get out of and find something else. I have a long commute and sometimes get back home to basic household jobs that he should have done. Am I being unreasonable or is he taking the p*?

What has he said when you said you need rent and half the bills paying?

I think he’s taking the piss and probably always has done.

He’s showing you what he thinks of you - listen to him. He’s happy for you to work all day to pay for the house he lives in when he has money to help support you and take the weight off, and he won’t even pay his way. And then he also thinks you should do the household jobs after work when he’s been sat on his arse all day.
You don’t do that to someone you care for and respect. Get rid!!

He's definitely taking the piss
He's probably been freeloading off all his other relatives before he found a nice mug to live with. This is how he has so much money

He's got zero respect for you.

He needs to pay his way or fuck right off.

He is taking the piss here and this sounds like a miserable existance. You are being used to facilitate his lifestyle, you to him are the maid.

Why are you and he together at all?.

Errr yeah he’s taking the piss but why have you let him get away with this? Before he moved in you should have made him set up a direct debit for half rent, bills and groceries into your account? Surely? Then a weekly rota for chores? That’s the basic surely? So now you should send him an email (so you’ve got it in writing) stating the amount of the direct debit you want transferred every month into your account. Do it today. If he won’t pay, he leaves. Simples.

Send him packing, he will likely soon find another sap of a woman to mug off.

Has he got a magic penis?

Otherwise I'm not sure why on earth this would work for you.

What an arse.

Why is he living rent and bill-free? Personally though I'd get rid of anyone like that. I couldn't bear to be near someone who liked to live off others.

Keep the email simple and business like
“So far you have been living in my property rent free but I can no longer afford to prop up your existence. The fair arrangement for the future is for everything to be split 50/50. So could you please arrange to set up a direct debit for £xxxx to be paid on the 1st of every month starting from 1st June. That amount is your contribution to rent, bills and food. Thanks “
Then leave it a day. Then ask “did you read the email and set up the direct debit that I asked for?”
Don’t get drawn into any argument or any emotional debate. If he starts to try and argue simply say “actually I’d rather have any discussion in writing so can you respond your opinion on why you think you shouldn’t pay to live in my house by email”
Often when people have to write things down it makes them realise how unreasonable they are being

If he’s not paying his way he isn’t even a lodger - more a guest. You can tell a guest to leave no notice any time

He’s seen you coming if he is living with you without contributing anything, he is taking advantage of you totally.

Work out your living expenses and ask him for half, plus what he owes you to date. If he shows any reluctance, show him the door.

Something I’ve discovered about misers is that not only are they mean with money, that attitude seeps into all aspects of their life, so they are mean with emotions also. It will be a joyless life with him.

My OH retired at a relatively young age in part due to being pretty frugal.
He still pays 50% of all bills etc. (and now does the lions share of housework and cooking)

Tell him to pay up or move out, he's a cock lodger.

You deserve so much better!!!

Jeezo, what a wanker.

The temptation would be to say tell him he has to pay rent from now on. But here's the thing, if he has never volunteered any then he really isnt a nice man and I wouldn't want him in my house or in my bed a second longer.

Quite simply why does he think he deserves to live in the same house and use the same utilities as you without having to contribute the same amount?

Why are you worth less than him in his eyes? Why are you worth less than him in YOUR eyes?!

Would you be able to watch someone you love working 45 hours a week to pay MORE than you when you are perfectly capable of contributing a fair and equal amount that would make their life more enjoyable and less stressful? Of course you wouldn't. Because you are a good, fair and kind person. He is not.

So that begs the question, why are you with someone fundamentally selfish and unloving?

I have a long commute and sometimes get back home to basic household jobs that he should have done.

This made me so angry! It would do even if he paid his way, let alone the fact he doesn't!!

My god please break up with him - don't waste the rest of your life on someone like this!

Before lockdown happened, when did he last take you out somewhere nice?

Surely as well he's using more utilities than you if he's home all day? And he really should be doing more around the house!

So he can be generous to his ds but won't pay his way living with you. Get something in writing sharpish. Show him a print out of how your utilities have gone up since he moved in. Tell him he is either all in or out. Personally I would leave out rent payments, I would not want him claiming some imagined (or real) rights later on. Tell him you enjoy his company but cannot and will not pay for his living expenses. Nor will you be acting as his cook and maid.

He's taking advantage of you just like he's taken advantage of all his relatives he's bunked with while he's rented out his own property and banked all his money. So he's got savings while you spend yours. On him. and he's lazy to boot, so you get to pick up after him, too.

Why are you still with him?

Sadly some people are like this, they genuinely think they are hard up when then they are in fact loaded. When abroad he would have had everything paid for him so has probably need paid living expense in his life.

All you had do is be clear while he lives in your house he pays 50/50.

Sounds like the reason he's loaded is because he's avoided paying for accommodation, bills etc wherever he can, be it with family and now he's doing it to you.

He should be paying rent and half the bills, plus half the food. He's taking the piss op

He is absolutely using you. You know this yourself. This man does not care about you.

Before you have that talk do a quick calculation:

Hours you work out of home
Hours you each work in home
Cash money it costs you each and every month
Cash money it costs him each and every month

Then ask him which part of those figures makes you equal life partners

You really are allowed to notice his lack of input

And you really are allowed to resent it