Miserly partner

[AnnaTomy]

My partner would describe himself as frugal. He retired at 58 - 7 years ago after a lifetime working all over the world as an engineer. I've known him 5 years. He's got money in pension funds he won't claim from, has a stash of cash and property abroad (that he rents and gives the proceeds to his adult son). He recently sold his home that he never lived in as he was always lodging with relatives. I'm 60 now but can't afford not to work. He's living in my tiny terraced house and thinks buying food (some not all) is good enough to pay his way. Meanwhile, I'm grafting 45 hours a week in a very stressful job that I'm desperate to get out of and find something else. I have a long commute and sometimes get back home to basic household jobs that he should have done. Am I being unreasonable or is he taking the p*?

Definitely a freeloader. Tell him this, that you're tired of it and he needs to move out asap.

You'll just end up resenting him. He'll find someone else to sponge off.

He should be ashamed of himself. I'd be telling him he either splits the bills or bogs off.

Why isn't he taking his pension? If he is in the UK and doesn't draw it by age 75 then he'll be paying a lot of tax.

Aside from that though - he is awful

My guess is that him giving his adult son the rents from his properties abroad and him not drawing his private pension are fictions designed to fool Anna into believing the he has no available money to contribute.

Or another scenario is that the properties abroad are fictitious. Have you ever stayed at any of them OP? Why is he living in a tiny terraced house when he owns property abroad? All a bit Walter Mitty!

Draw up a rent agreement with bills. Last thing you need is him trying to claim 50% of your home in the event of separation or death.

He needs to be classed as a lodger

Get some self respect and kick him out op. You can do better

He's a cocklodger, sorry.

Give him an ultimatum, he either pays his way 50/50, including housework, washing, shopping, bills etc or he moves out now !

He sees you as his personal maid, skivvy and sex on demand, and expects him coughing up for a bit of shopping now and then to cover it

Kick him into touch !

I also don't believe he's got all the assets he says he has either.

He's a bloody con artist as well as a cocklodger

Sounds like he's using you like he's used family to lodge with through the years.

As pp's have said I'm concerned about whether these assets are real. Have you seen evidence of them?

Why would he own a house only to live with relatives? Was he a carer for them? Or was he just so used to having his cooking and washing and shopping done for him that he never wanted to have to do these things for himself?

Because it's odd behaviour, at best.

It doesn't matter if he finances are real or not. He's a freeloading, selfish cocklodger. He is absolutely playing you for a fools, as he does his family members, I'm sure. I guarantee he's always been a miserly prick. Raise your standards and get rid.

He's either exaggerating what he's got in the bank or he's using you. Is he generous in other ways e.g. paying for meals out/holidays?
Otherwise I can't see any benefit of you having him in your home. I think you should charge some rent even if it's say £200/month plus bills?

What does he add to your life?

You absolutely need to have a discussion about finances. You are financially supporting him, and you never agreed to this.

If you're keeping your funds and assets separate, then he needs to pay lodging or rent to you. He's an adult and he should pay for the roof over his head.

He wouldn't treat me he'd see that as a waste of money. I book and pay for holidays up front but to be honest it takes him weeks to cough up the money for his half. He does sometimes pay for meals out but it's always at my suggestion. However if he meets up with his kids they seem to expect him to pay and he does, even though they're well into their thirties and both earning. the son once stayed with me and as a gift gave me the two free chocolates he's got on the plane. What an insult. I think he's a chip off the old block.

And I should say he's quite secretive about money if I try to discuss it he gets quite twitchy and irritable

I think he lived with the relatives because he had no roots through moving around with work and was maybe lonely.

Ffs, are you that desperate not to be alone?
Im aware thats not a nice thing to say but that's what it boils down to.
Get rid immediately and place more value on yourself.

Why oh why oh why are you with this useless man? End it and move on.

The property is in Australia I've never seen it it's all a bit of a mystery.

Do you get any enjoyment out of the relationship? You can find someone who treats you like an equal you don’t need to stick with this person.

It just sounds like you’re being used. Given his background and occupation I’d say he must be 100% aware of every penny he’s saving by being with you. It’s not some thoughtless guy who doesn’t understand money.

From here the real mystery is why you have put up with it?

Given your last couple of posts what positives does he bring to your life?

Is he value for money?

Nothing more unattractive than a miser IMHO.

Does he have any other redeeming qualities?

Start coughing op. Say you feel ill and he needs to go stay elsewhere.. Then tell him to stay away...

Is he Australian? I am clutching at straws here but, if he's an Australian and his son also lives there, then he may have given over the proceeds of the sale of the house to avoid trying to move a large amount of money out of the country (which can be tricky, I know!).

If he isn't and there's no tie to Australia, then I'd suspect he's spinning you a line. I've recently ended things with a man who saw 'treating me' as a waste of money too, and who'd complain about the cost of a cup of coffee in a cafe (unless I was paying, in which case the cost was fine, and also throw in a large slice of cake).

Any thoughts on people’s replies?