Miserly partner

[AnnaTomy]

My partner would describe himself as frugal. He retired at 58 - 7 years ago after a lifetime working all over the world as an engineer. I've known him 5 years. He's got money in pension funds he won't claim from, has a stash of cash and property abroad (that he rents and gives the proceeds to his adult son). He recently sold his home that he never lived in as he was always lodging with relatives. I'm 60 now but can't afford not to work. He's living in my tiny terraced house and thinks buying food (some not all) is good enough to pay his way. Meanwhile, I'm grafting 45 hours a week in a very stressful job that I'm desperate to get out of and find something else. I have a long commute and sometimes get back home to basic household jobs that he should have done. Am I being unreasonable or is he taking the p*?

Even his kids are having a laugh at your expense OP!

Why are you still with him? That’s a bigger mystery than his property!!

Both father and son are British but acquired Australian citizenship as a package when he worked there.
Maybe not collecting the rent and handing that to son is a tax dodge of some kind?

I know I have self-esteem issues.

Are you intending to carry on subsidising his lifestyle? You don't seem bothered by it?

Kick him out!

Did you agree to him moving in or did he move himself in. What would he say if you told him you want to stay in a relationship with him but you want him to move out as you need your own space. And if he lives with you then you don't get the council tax single person discount, does he pay towards the extra money you pay for that.

Are you sure he is ok for money? Because I’d assume this homeless tight dude is skint op.

Sounds like he has used people all his life.
Yes he is a first class miser.
Why spend his own money if he can spend yours?
If someone is tight even with themselves it speaks volumes
Tell him there are no pockets in a shroud.
He is a first class loser with no shame to live off you when you are struggling

You certainly do have self esteem issues, where did all that start with you?. Is this all you believe you deserve from a relationship?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

Tell him, he should cost you money.
That due to this virus you need to change things and you want upfront his share of living expenses.
That going forward everything will be 50/50.
That you know he can afford it, and you want to reduce your hours.

Have you posted about him before as the details seem familiar?

He should be paying some rent, share of utility bills and food and pulling his weight in basic household tasks.

How long until he gets his state pension?

If he worked as say an contracting engineer in oil and gas then he would have made a stash in the boom years, if say he worked in sewage treatment then maybe not so much, in any case he is taking the piss.

My ex was like this, he dressed it up as ‘equality’. He was mean beyond extreme, but would happily have me spend out on him. He had a massive pension, earned 90k a year and had £50k in savings. He wanted me, who earns £22k a year with no savings with 2 kids to support to pay 50/50. I got sick of subsidising our relationship whilst he got richer. Mean, tight fisted, rinsing arsehole.

Based on what you have said he has used people his entire life so is a dab hand at it. If you dump him, he will find another clown which I suspect you know. Ask him for half. At least look for it. He is obviously useless but you must be happy with his company or something.

he's quite secretive about money if I try to discuss it he gets quite twitchy and irritable

I'll bet he is but the question isn't so much why he's not paying his share - it's why you're putting up with it

If you address that, I suspect you might start to see a way forward

How did his moving in come about? Without talking money .... I presume you have lost council tax discount as well..

No reasonable person would move into someone's house without talking money...

The rest is just noise ... he is not a nice person and you are his latest doss House... either work out what he needs to contribute..,

Or take this as reality check on his nature and ask him to leave c

Urrgh. Get rid. Nothing more unappealing than a mean person. And it is not a character flaw you can smooth out. As someone else said it is not just about money. This person does not care enough about others. End of.

Why would you live with a man like that? You are actually paying him to live with you!

Get rid. Don't worry about notice, either. He's got plenty of money.

Just ask him to leave. Simple. Tell him you need some space. See what he does then...

OP you deserve better.. you sound so lovely.. get rid

Cock lodger! Move him on!

Move him out and get a paying lodger instead!

The thing is, OP that people like him, people who are misers, think about money ALL the time. It is the MOST important thing in their life. It isn't just that they are careful, or a bit tight, it is a full blown obsession with them.

So when you are paying all the bills, he is busy putting that into the plus column in the balance sheet that fills the part of his mind where normal people would have a conscience. It is far more important than making it fair with you. He knows it isn't fair, he knows it upsets you and gives you hardship, but he is unable to give up the thrill of hanging on to his money. Every waking moment he is consumed with that balance sheet, with keeping that plus column going up.

If you look carefully, you will see him at it, but you don't because you are consumed with anxiety that he will leave you if you stand up for yourself.

It is up to you if you can not only play second fiddle to his first love which is money, but pay for it as well.

Why are you with him? What does he bring to your life?

Oh my gosh- boot him out!