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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner is eating them self to death.

83 replies

Peasndmintsoup · 15/05/2020 21:40

I don’t know what else to do to help them. I think they may be depressed but they don’t think they are. They have put on five stone in a couple of years and they are 21 stone.

They are tired all the time and need to sleep in the afternoon for about 2-3 hours. Surfacing when I’m cooking dinner. We had a big dinner at 6:30 and they had two rounds of bread with it. At 9pm they asked if I wanted to get an Indian take away. I said no I’m still full from dinner and they replied with that actually they didn’t have a big dinner - they did! Probably too much tbh.

They eat very high sugar and fatty foods and then binge eat all night. They also steal food of other people’s plates. Eg. If I’m putting the dinner out they will pull food off other plates but not touch their own.

They are unrecognisable from when i first met them and the other day I thought they had an abscess in their mouth as there gave is so swollen - but it’s just weight.

I’ve tried to support them for the entire time. Done every diet with them, exercised with them. The GP has told them they have to lose weight as they have a bad hip through the weight and may need a hip replacement if they don’t shift it.

We have children and I’m scared they will have a heart attack. They honestly don’t seem bothered about it though. Said they feel fine.

I actually don’t know what to do about it. I feel if they were an alcoholic there would be lots of help and we would be able to discuss it but because it’s weight no one is allowed to mention it.

I feel like shaking them and saying ‘stop it! Your killing your self we don’t want you do die or be ill!’

I’m wondering if there is any kid of proper councillors that deal with this?

Thanks

OP posts:
JonbonMoany · 15/05/2020 21:44

Have they had an emotional connection to food previously? Has it increased during lockdown? Sounds like they're in denial about the amount they're eating.

FancyPants20 · 15/05/2020 21:47

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FamilyOfAliens · 15/05/2020 21:48

Is your partner gender neutral, OP?

DDemelza · 15/05/2020 21:48

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MrsEricBana · 15/05/2020 21:52

I'd say a GP visit to see if there's an underlying physical reason with a view to some sort of counselling if necessary. If they were anorexic they could be referred to the eating disorder clinic so perhaps there may be some help available of that nature as it sounds as though you have tried everything possible to self help.
Is there are a reason you are concealing whether they are male or female?

thejoysofboys · 15/05/2020 21:54

Not helpful @FancyPants20
OP clearly doesn’t want to disclose the sex of their partner on here and it’s irrelevant to the question asked.

I don’t have any advice OP but I can understand how you’re worried about your partner. Hope someone is able to help you on here soon

MLouise84 · 15/05/2020 21:54

I'm guessing you've tried to keep this gender neutral so people can't make assumptions because really gender doesn't matter in this situation. It must be really frustrating for you to have to watch this. I don't really have much advice except talk to them which I guess you already have. Could you explain that as well as being concerned about their health, it's making you unhappy? That it's effecting family life?

Rebellenny · 15/05/2020 21:56

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DDemelza · 15/05/2020 22:00

Of course it's fucking relevant. Childrearing takes a massive toll on women's bodies.

DDemelza · 15/05/2020 22:01

Childbearing *

Werkwerkwerkwerkwerkwerk · 15/05/2020 22:02

@Rebellenny not to a whopping 21 stone !!!

wonderrotunda · 15/05/2020 22:02

Could they have sleep apnoea? That will make people hungry and tired.

Original poster
Peasndmintsoup · 15/05/2020 22:04

Yes I’ve not said if it’s a man or woman as I know through previous posts it can sway opinion.

Growing up food was always a treat or a consolation prise. Good exciting day - let’s top it off with a Chinese / terrible shit day - lets make ourselves feel better with a take away.

It concerns me because they are pushing their eating habits on to the kids. When ever they go out they bring masses of sweets or doughnuts back. Dd is getting in to the habit of getting two packets of crisps in one go now copying them.

We had a terrible year about two years ago and and they havnt stopped binge eating since. I know it’s emotional eating and that’s why I’m going to suggest counselling. Although I do think there is an element of denial there too.

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 15/05/2020 22:04

It seems like they are bringing you and the kids down. Tell him / her how you feel with an ultimatum - they either seek medical help to lose weight or you and the kids leave.

Original poster
Peasndmintsoup · 15/05/2020 22:06

wonderrotunda yes! I think they do. They sleep in the spare room as there snoring is so bad too. They also have an infection in their nose which is causing obstruction but won’t go GP so get it sorted out. It’s just like they have totally give up on themselves.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peasndmintsoup · 15/05/2020 22:10

Ok maybe sex is important. He is my partner

OP posts:
Original poster
Peasndmintsoup · 15/05/2020 22:11

Grumpy I fear that is not to far off.

OP posts:
Shuttup · 15/05/2020 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Samtsirch · 15/05/2020 22:17

@Peasndmintsoup
Is it emotional eating as a way of self medicating to block out or push down uncomfortable feelings related to something they cannot deal with.
They perhaps could benefit from counselling, perhaps together you could try couples counselling ?

Whataloadofshite · 15/05/2020 22:17

Binge eating is a kind of eating disorder. It doesn't get the same sympathy as anorexia etc because people just assume they're being greedy and can quit any time.

That's not the case. He will need help to break the triggers that cause the binges. It's often linked to depression and self loathing, wanting to change eating habits because they hate the way they look, but the cycle starts again when they get the good feeling from binging.

Basically you're going to have to start with your GP. if it's making your kids copy eating habits then it's time to do something about it.

bunbunbun · 15/05/2020 22:17

That is a huge amount of weight to put on and an incredibly unhealthy lifestyle. Just as I would say to anyone struggling to cope with a partner who has an addiction, I think you should say to them clearly that you aren't able to stand by and watch them make themeselves ill and model poor, healthy damaging habits to your children in the process. They need to commit to getting help or be aware that if they don't, you don't feel able to remain a romantic couple and watch them get more ill. This isn't a looks issue it's a health issue, so don't be guilt tripped into being persuaded otherwise.

Otterhound · 15/05/2020 22:18

21 stone is pretty much morbidly obese unless you are a body builder but not sure what to do. Eating can be an addiction like any other.

And yes gender is totally irrelevant in this situation.

Original poster
Peasndmintsoup · 15/05/2020 22:21

sam and shutup yes I think there maybe some thing else. Maybe depression or something they don’t want to discuss with me. He gets comfort pit of eating and our relationship hasn’t been the best for a while which is making it worse.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 15/05/2020 22:21

I used to be a similar size so bought myself the gift of bariatric surgery, I'm not fat any more. Feel 100% better.
You can get it on the NHS if your partner fulfils the criteria but on the other hand maybe they don't want to change,
Everyone has free will.

TwentyViginti · 15/05/2020 22:22

If he's in denial about his disordered eating and refuses to seek help - you must leave for your own sake and that of your DC. You've said they are apeing his behaviour with food, and you know that's not healthy and they will store up problems for the future.

I'd say the same about living with a drug addict or alcoholic. Unless he recognises the problem himself, you can't help.