Partner is eating them self to death.

[Peasndmintsoup]

I don’t know what else to do to help them. I think they may be depressed but they don’t think they are. They have put on five stone in a couple of years and they are 21 stone.

They are tired all the time and need to sleep in the afternoon for about 2-3 hours. Surfacing when I’m cooking dinner. We had a big dinner at 6:30 and they had two rounds of bread with it. At 9pm they asked if I wanted to get an Indian take away. I said no I’m still full from dinner and they replied with that actually they didn’t have a big dinner - they did! Probably too much tbh.

They eat very high sugar and fatty foods and then binge eat all night. They also steal food of other people’s plates. Eg. If I’m putting the dinner out they will pull food off other plates but not touch their own.

They are unrecognisable from when i first met them and the other day I thought they had an abscess in their mouth as there gave is so swollen - but it’s just weight.

I’ve tried to support them for the entire time. Done every diet with them, exercised with them. The GP has told them they have to lose weight as they have a bad hip through the weight and may need a hip replacement if they don’t shift it.

We have children and I’m scared they will have a heart attack. They honestly don’t seem bothered about it though. Said they feel fine.

I actually don’t know what to do about it. I feel if they were an alcoholic there would be lots of help and we would be able to discuss it but because it’s weight no one is allowed to mention it.

I feel like shaking them and saying ‘stop it! Your killing your self we don’t want you do die or be ill!’

I’m wondering if there is any kid of proper councillors that deal with this?

Thanks

We are not romantic to each other, that fell away about six months ago. He sleeps in the spare room as his snoring is so bad and tbh its a relief as it sounds like he is being strangled and struggling for breath all night.

Can he get bariatric surgery? My friend had it and is now a size 10! Looks marvellous and has to make healthy choices or gets really unwell. I'd get it now before he gets too big for it.

Twenty I think the kids copying him has made me more aware of what he is doing and that it needs to stop but I don’t think he can.

@madcatladyforever
Not helpful in this case perhaps.

Growing up food was always a treat or a consolation prise. Good exciting day - let’s top it off with a Chinese / terrible shit day - lets make ourselves feel better with a take away.

This, plus you think he's depressed, I'd say he needs to seek counselling of some kind. He needs to find out what has made him like this around food.

My DH was similar to yours for about 10 years, I was in despair that he would drop down dead. He tried everything, did lose weight but always put it back on. It took therapy to get to the bottom of it- an abusive childhood which he needed to acknowledge and talk about. He's now able to control himself around food, has taken up swimming- (although obviously not at the moment, he's walking instead) and is losing weight in a good controlled way.

How would I approach getting bariatric surgery? It’s not my body and I can’t expect him to have a operation on my suggestion. He would do it any way.

He thinks he can lose weight easily. He can drop 7 pounds in a week if he diets. Then to celebrate he will get a Chinese and put it straight back on

Wouldn’t **

He needs to get help in his own right. There's not much you can do other than prevent your children from copying this behaviour. You can't fix it.

@Ontheblackhill
Not helpful.

Lizzie that’s amazing! What councilling did you look for was it weight or just normal?

He sleeps in the spare room as his snoring is so bad and tbh its a relief as it sounds like he is being strangled and struggling for breath all night

He needs to get this sorted. DH had really bad sleep apnoea, and was having 50 episodes of stopping breathing an hour. He was referred to the sleep clinic and now has a CPAP machine. We think his stroke was a result of the untreated sleep apnoea.

This isn't just overeating. It sounds like there is an issue, either physical or psychologically going on. Taking food from other peoples plates, etc is not just greed. Eating a large dinner and then fancying a takeaway is not normal.

So, if he will agree, he needs a check up to see if there is a medical reason first of all.

We are not romantic to each other, that fell away about six months ago. He sleeps in the spare room as his snoring is so bad and tbh its a relief as it sounds like he is being strangled and struggling for breath all night

Just seen this. For this alone, he needs to see a doctor.

Definitely get the sleep apnoea test done. Does it sound like he’s choking when he’s sleeping? Losing weight will help massively with that

Pea yes I'm so proud of him and wish we had thought of the counselling route, years ago! He found just a normal counsellor, just googling your area, there are usually lists of properly qualified people, so your DH can look through them and see who he thinks he would like.

And I agree with Gin, If his snoring is that loud, he should definitely see a Dr, to check for sleep apnoea.

Oh OP, he sounds really quite poorly and that must be heartbreaking to witness.

Food can be an addiction and is the hardest addiction to break because we'd die without it.

It sounds as though he has had a dependency on using food as an emotional crutch for his whole life and this has become exacerbated in the last few years. He's now reached such a norm with his eating that he doesn't even necessarily see it as an issue because of how much of an everyday part of his life it's become.

Does he see how much of an issue it is? Unfortunately, like any other addiction, if he doesn't want to help himself - there's little you can do. He's a grown man, he can eat what he wants when he wants. However, I think it would be a really good starting point to sit down and get everything out on the table - how you are worried about his health, the impact on the children, how it makes you feel etc.

How he responds to that is entirely up to him. Unfortunately, you may be in a position where your marriage could end over this. He is eating himself into an early grave and that is not your responsibility.

Is he the kind of person where he could benefit from counselling? I struggled with eating disorders throughout my teens and early twenties and found limiting/indulging in what I ate gave me the control over some aspect of my life when the rest of my personal life was spiralling.

I would absolutely recommend counselling, it saved my life. Would you consider going to counselling together? Apart from this, are you in a happy relationship or are there some issues that need resolving? This is definitely an issue that needs fixing from the route cause and working outwards.

The same with any other addiction, remember this is not your fault. You couldn't prevent this, you can't control this and you can't 'fix' this. He is responsible for his own behaviour; as hard as that is to take on board. There is only so much you can do, please don't punish yourself.

There are some great starting points in looking at/assessing your level of food addiction here - www.healthline.com/nutrition/how-to-overcome-food-addiction#seriousness

You sound a very loving and supportive partner and he is very lucky to have you.

Hi Peas that’s awful for you and your children to see your partner and their father eat in this way.
Have you spoken to your children about healthy choices and that their father is not healthy.
He needs to want to get help himself.
He’s addicted to food and yes you are right there is more help for other addictions.
I think there is an over eaters anonymous that he could look at. They may be doing online meetings at the moment so he could access them.
Hi addiction is affecting many areas of your life.
You have been sympathetic by the sounds of it.
What would he do if you threw the junk food he bought away every time he brought it in the house?
I can see you are not enabling him and have healthy views about this.

I would seriously consider asking him to leave if he doesn’t get a grip.
Have you told him how unhappy you are and the impact it is having on you all.

Yes he is clearly “stuffing down his feelings” - he needs to access the help.
Good luck.

Oh shit Gin is he ok. That’s quite a sober thought.

I’ve just found - what looks like an amazing councillor- near me so I’ll some how try and talk about it to him tomorrow.

Tbh I don’t know if we will last much longer. We seek to be on our last legs but I don’t want him to be ill or the kids lose their dad or even worse

Who is the other person OP? Is it your DC? You started talking about them and now you're only talking about him, I'm confused

Would it help to film him sleeping? Maybe seeing and hearing for himself how he struggles to breathe might help him realise that this is not a normal way to live.

Meri I’ve recorded him many many times. He just laughs.

Binge eating disorder is fucking miserable, I've suffered with it since a I was a teenager was diagnosed formally at 20, ten years ago. I was referred to a psychologist on the NHS at the time but I didn't find it helpful, so over the next few years I lost and gained several stones over and over again. In 2017 I got down to a size 12 through strict dieting and obsessive exercising, then my mental health went down the toilet and in just six months I gained five stone, taking me to 17st 4 and a size 22 (I'm 5' 5). By that point I'd moved away and my new NHS trust couldn't offer me any kind of support.

Binge eaters can't just stop. The urge to binge is like an itch in your brain, it takes over your every thought and finally you snap and eat 5000 calories, almost in a daze. For me, it's like I "wake up" out of this fog and see the wrappers, and then the gut wrenching guilt sets in that I've done it again. So the next day I eat next to nothing, which brings on the cravings... and repeat.

It must be so frustrating to watch and not be able to help, but he is in the routine of comforting himself with food and cutting the binges out is like going cold turkey. There's a fine line between eating little enough to lose weight and restricting too much, which is likely to bring on a binge. I hope he agrees to counselling and that it works for him.

OP you have my sympathies. Binge eating disorder is a very real but very poorly understood illness and doesn't get the same sympathy that some of the other eating disorders do. I've struggled with it half my life after a rough time in my teens and history of depression - at times feeling that food was all I could depend on to make me feel better. Also feeling that I was going mad because I didn't understand why I couldn't stop, eating in the toilets at work, getting into risky situations so I could binge, knowing I would get diabetes but hating myself too much to care... I would suggest seeing the GP and getting a psychiatric referral and having CBT specialising in eating disorders. I've found that my disorder is emotional but also partly chemical in that certain foods can trigger a binge by messing up my blood sugar. I've made a concerted effort to eat plenty of lean meat and base meals around them to help stabilise blood sugar and deal with cravings. Stop dieting and just aim for moderate sensible healthy eating and cooking from scratch.

I would treat this the same way partners of alcoholics are told to in that if they won’t accept help or help themselves then you should walk away.

Obesity is the biggest killer and you do not want your children following this route especially if you have a daughter reaching puberty as the combination of hormones and poor eating habits will set her down a similar path to her dad.