Only just married but husband has no interest

[sunflowery]

Just looking for some advice really.

Got married to DH last year. I’m now 27 and he’s 30. I’m struggling with the fact that he doesn’t seem to really be that interested in me, physically or mentally anymore.

We used to have lots of really in depth conversations about anything and everything, and he used to make it clear how much he was attracted to me.

But recently something just feels amiss. When we aren’t working (both WFH atm) he just wants to watch TV. I try to start conversations and I barely get any response. We just had dinner and watched some TV together and I cheerily asked him if he wanted to come and have a drink the garden with me and he just said ‘no thanks’ and took the remote. I’ve lost a fair bit of weight recently and I (feel really embarrassed about it now) sent him an underwear pic when he was downstairs the other day asking him to come up to bed and he just replied ‘lol won’t be long’. These kind of small rejections happen regularly and are starting to add up.

I’m starting to fantasise about starting again with someone who is crazy about me. It’s what I crave, and I feel like I’m too young to feel stuck in this kind of rut. I’ve got tears in my eyes just writing this. And I’ve tried talking to him about how unwanted I feel sometimes and he promises it’ll change but it never does. I feel awful but sometimes I think about my exes or starting again with someone else and it doesn’t feel like it would be wrong.

Please could someone give me some advice about how to fix this?

Love languages are not universal, and probably only apply to a few situations. They basically assume each person in the relationship is pretty decent.

In my case though, love languages would never have worked because my ex was abusive and didn't give a shit about me or my feelings, but only about what he wanted.

Is he happy though op? Did he say he was? That is pretty dreadful to say he couldn't give anymore. What does he expect you to do with that? X

That's sad, I'm sorry. What does he expect you to do with that? Just say "oh ok, I'll just settle for less then for as long as we both shall live?" - If he's not willing to work at the marriage this early on and isn't willing or able to make any more effort, then I think you have your answer sadly. At least he's being honest I guess.

I know it's a cliche but you only have one life. It's better to start again now while you're still so young - and there's no shame in that either. It's better than looking back with regret in 10 or 20 years and wishing you'd left and pursued a happier life.

Oh and my best friend divorced before she was 30 for very similar reasons. She's now 36 and with someone who makes her deliriously happy!

He came back again this afternoon and I’m apologised. Said that I caught him by surprise saying that I wasn’t happy because he thought we’d been getting on really well considering the situation.

Now he’s said that he wants to change and put more effort in.

I’ve told him I’m not sure what to think anymore because I don’t know if what I’m asking is for him to fundamentally change who he is as a person, which isn’t right, or if this is just a phase that I’m asking him to snap out of. I don’t know how I’m supposed to know the difference when he says things like ‘I’m content, I can’t give any more’. He can’t just make an effort for a few days and expect me to forget all about and that’s what I fear is going to happen now.

Argh thank you for everybody’s comments and thoughts I’m really grateful.

Sorry that should been he apologised, not sure how the random I’m got in.

Maybe a few days/nights of intimacy might relight his fire. Give us an update OP (without deets, obvs) 😜

How are you feeling about that conversation OP?

Eeeek, really feel for you OP.
I have a funny feeling that your fears may be confirmed if you were to stay - that he will make an effort to perk up in the short term, perhaps a week or so of actively trying to give you more. Then it will slide back to how the way it was.
His first response of being content and unable to give you more was probably the honest one. He's went away, thought about it, got worried about you leaving and come back with the apology.
People rarely make lasting change for purely for others. He's said he was fine with status quo, it'll come back to that.

I want to give him a chance and I feel like I owe it to our marriage to let him try. And it’s not like I can go anywhere else with lockdown.

But in my heart of hearts I know that we are on different pages right now.

The prospect of splitting up, having to get a divorce and sell our house, tell our families etc seems so fucking daunting I wouldn’t even know where to start. But this just isn’t the life I imagined myself having.

Absolutely, give it a chance. I'd set a reminder on my phone, a few months time? 'relationship check in, are we getting better?'
I'd write down how you're feeling exactly now too. Perhaps start keeping a journal. If it comes to leaving it will be helpful to have something to refer to, a reminder of why you're making the decision - because it will be massively daunting and take courage, strength. Keep close touch with your friends and family too - you'll need them.

No one wants to be divorced, but don't let ideas let ideas of success and failure keep you from living the life you know you deserve - you spoke before of not wanting to be divorced before 30 etc. Better that than miserable at what, 35? 40? How long would it go on before you had to leave and would be starting again at a later age?
Don't fear judgement from others and definitely don't judge yourself if it does go that way.

I'd maybe get legal advice and start to get your ducks in a row in the meantime. I'd be doubtful about lasting change but understand you have to throw everything at it to try a final time. Good luck.

OP,
Of course it's daunting.
This is very hard.

I think it's wise to very wise to give yourself a reminder of a few months, maybe September and see how you feel.

This is awful but he can't feel what he doesn't, or be who he isn't.
No matter how awful that is for you.

You need to know that your life is precious and you can have a different better future if this work out.

Please seek support IRL from those who love you.

I'm so sorry for your pain nd disappointment.

It's better to be divorced before you're 30 than to carry on in a relationship that doesn't make you happy and get divorced at 40, or 50...or never...and just carry on with this as your life.

You said he named out things like watching a film together and going to the garden centre, the thing is...if you felt loved and cherished and desired and adored (like you should feel) then those moments together would feel like quality time. They don't feel like anything special or anything at all because it sounds like you are missing a fundamental part of your relationship.

But in my heart of hearts I know that we are on different pages right now.

That's the heart of the issue. He is happy with his lifestyle, you are not.

I knew a man like him. When dating / before marriage they were going out to dinner, museums, days out; nice busy lifestyle. As soon as they were married it all stopped. He wanted to be home all the time and not do anything, she still wanted the previous lifestyle.

the love languages book is excellent and really a useful tool.
But it is not all 100% and it is not the tool for saving a marriage, (even though they woudl say it is) it is a tool for understanding each other better within a decent relationship

OP, The language he uses about needing to put in effort is a red flag to me.
It is not an effort to spend time with the one you love.
It is not an effort to have sex with the one you love.
It is not an effort to want to do things with the one you love.
It is not an effort to make the one you love happy.

BUT many people on here have pointed out that the fact everything is an effort could be because he is depressed. When you are depressed all those things are an effort. It does sound as if he wasn't like this a couple of years ago, and that makes me wonder where he is at in his head.

I personally would never give up on a marriage without a fight, so I would want to insist on marriage counselling.
Even if it ends up with you splitting, counselling can be really helpful for you as a couple to understand what is going on. For some people, the process of counselling helps them to see that they are not suited. For some it can be life changing and puts their marriage back on track.

Only thing about counselling is that you both need to take it seriously.

I am sorry to has come to such a head now, but this is a good thing in the long term. Either this is the moment when you reset your marriage, or it is the moment when you start again without him.

How are things op?

What are you doing to pull your weight each day?

I think you need to honestly discuss this with your husband so that he knows how it makes you feel. Hopefully there are things you can both work on to help reconnect and improve your lives and your sex life.
Maybe your husband feels lost and forgotten about and is suffering general exhaustion. Would you say you are equally involved in the housework? This makes a big difference to quality of life.

It sounds as though he's on a 10% battery. It would drive me nuts not having someone with a bit more energy and vitality about them.

crestar the OP has talked with her DH and told him how she feels. And what makes you think she's not pulling her weight? She mentioned that he does a lot from a practical POV, but that doesn't mean he's donig everything.

OP, I think this is the point where you maybe give him a chance to see if he does actually make changes, while getting some legal advice about where you stand, and preparing for a single life in case it proves necessary.

He may have depression, but that's not a get out of jail card to ignore your partner's feelings. He has a responsibility to the marriage to get help, and if he's not willing to do that, then I'd end the marriage.

If it is depression, you can't fix him, that has to come from him. Being supportive, yes, but not to your own detriment, regardless of what anyone else might say.

Just checking back in.

In terms of housework I’d say we are fairly even although we pull our weight in different ways, I don’t think there’s any resentment there.

The last couple of days he has completely swung the other way. He’s been totally attentive and he just seems lighter if that even makes any sense. Lots of joking, flirting and intimacy. When I told him how I felt and he agreed to change I was worried it would feel forced but it doesn’t.

I’m pleased but also cautious. I’m going to do what others have suggested and review things in a few months.

Thanks again all

I don't think crestar was being serious about the "pulling your weight" line. I think that's just a veiled barb at all the times a man posts his wife/girlfriend isn't interested in sex and the first response is usually "are you doing enough housework?"

"The last couple of days he has completely swung the other way." Its probably not sustainable in his part. Its just a reaction to your criticism. He'll revert to his normal ways soon. Sustainable change is slower and more gradual.

I fear you are right @Scott72

I would suggets you still plan some couples counselling for when lockdown finishes.
best of luck OP x x