Only just married but husband has no interest

[sunflowery]

Just looking for some advice really.

Got married to DH last year. I’m now 27 and he’s 30. I’m struggling with the fact that he doesn’t seem to really be that interested in me, physically or mentally anymore.

We used to have lots of really in depth conversations about anything and everything, and he used to make it clear how much he was attracted to me.

But recently something just feels amiss. When we aren’t working (both WFH atm) he just wants to watch TV. I try to start conversations and I barely get any response. We just had dinner and watched some TV together and I cheerily asked him if he wanted to come and have a drink the garden with me and he just said ‘no thanks’ and took the remote. I’ve lost a fair bit of weight recently and I (feel really embarrassed about it now) sent him an underwear pic when he was downstairs the other day asking him to come up to bed and he just replied ‘lol won’t be long’. These kind of small rejections happen regularly and are starting to add up.

I’m starting to fantasise about starting again with someone who is crazy about me. It’s what I crave, and I feel like I’m too young to feel stuck in this kind of rut. I’ve got tears in my eyes just writing this. And I’ve tried talking to him about how unwanted I feel sometimes and he promises it’ll change but it never does. I feel awful but sometimes I think about my exes or starting again with someone else and it doesn’t feel like it would be wrong.

Please could someone give me some advice about how to fix this?

It does sound as though depression is a possibility here. It's certainly unusual for a man to lose his sexual drive at 30 and apparently not be interested in doing anything about it. I doubt this is a porn issue - people on here always cite that as the source of a mans lack of interest in his partner but in many cases it can be the opposite, porn stimulates the desire for sex with a partner as well as with oneself.

His refusal to engage with you about the issue is more worrying than the issue itself, he does not sound very committed to your relationship. Communication is the key - you won't survive decades together without it - and I'm in a 30 year relationship so I do have experience to draw on when I say that.

In the particular case I'm familiar with, it wasn't due to low sex drive, he was still very much keen to be intimate, just not with the person he was in a relationship with. Bored with her, tired of her lack of spontaneity, half-hearted enthusiasm etc.

Stayed in the relationship because of years of deliberating whether to leave it or not and being unable to reconcile the lack of physical intimacy and affection with the fact that it was comfortable in most other respects.

I agree, that a future with no intimacy etc is a bleak prospect, but some men evidently don't tick like that. It's a bit of a mumsnet myth that ALL men are sex mad, driven by preoccupation with it, and will do anything to get it, and any man who differs must either be a porn-addict or secretly gay.

You knew him well enough before you married and even lived together for 3 years and are saying the change is since you wed.
Possibly being at home is giving you too much time to analyze your relationship in depth, perhaps this issue has always been there but since you were busier you did not really notice?
Marriage cannot be romance and fairytales 24/7 as my ex used to tell me.
I have been in your position, at times it got better, but much of my married life true companionship was missing. Apart from my 2 lovely grown up children I wish I had ended things much earlier on, but none of us have a crystal ball.
You have been happy with him, now during all of this is not the time to give up. See if you can save this, but the 2 of you need to be on board.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation too @LittleFoxKit

He’s been looking deep in thought but not saying much all morning and he just asked me if we could talk. He said he doesn’t think he can give me anymore than what he already does and that he’s happy with how things are. And that was it really.

I don’t know what I was expecting but I feel totally devastated by his response. He basically said well I’m happy but I know you’re not and I can’t be bothered to try and change that.

I’m now just sobbing in the kitchen.

Sorry this is happening OP. He does sound like a wet rag without even the interest or energy to improve things. Life with him does not sound like it is going to be much fun. I am 67, married for 30 years and my DH still fancies the arse off me. You are in your twenties, in your shoes I would put an end to this 'marriage' and find a man who loves you. In my book if you are not fucking then you are not married.

So sorry OP- pls don’t stay if only to avoid some idea you have of shame to be divorced before 30.
Better to be divorced at 30 when you are still young with time to move on then move on a decade later with kids and added drama.

@sunflowery that is just bloody awful on his part you know. He clearly doesn’t want to try to fix things. It’s not that he can’t give you more...he doesn’t want to. What a wanker.
Don’t waste your life with someone who doesn’t value enough and makes you settle for less.
Obviously the perfect guy doesn’t exist but fuck me, you deserve better than mediocre.

I'm not surprised you're sobbing. What a hurtful response from him. I would be devastated too. I agree with other posters OP - there is so much more to life than this. Please dont feel ashamed or like you 'should' stick it out. This man is not making you happy, you told him how you feel, and seem to have got little more than a shrug in return. Not good enough. I'm sorry hes letting you down so badly

I would leave.

Im married to a man who isnt interested in sex andnis so laid back. He really is happy with us just pottering on with no real intimacy. We have kids and history together and I've decided to stay - but I wouldn't choose it. Id get out before kids.

I'm not sure why he's a 'wanker' or 'letting OP down' for having an honest and frank conversation with her about their respective needs.

It's sad, really sad, but surely it's better he's honest than leading OP a merry dance?

Op,get him to check k his testosterone levels.

It’s not normal fir a 30yr old man to not ya e a sex drive,he could ya e very low testosterone and this can lead to low grade depression,lack of energy and no drive for the marriage and you.

It’s rare but not unheard of at his age,worth exploring and it can be fixed.

But he's got to want to be fixed, and his response to the OP is basically that he can't be bothered to try.

OP, I think it's time to think about ending the relationship. He's not bothered enough to work this out with you, and you deserve more. This isn't something that can be fixed by looking at "languages of love".

This is the second time this week I’ve read someone talking about “love languages” on here. It sounds like cobblers. A ready-made, book-authorised excuse for people not to bother trying to address the problems in their relationships.

“This is my love language, sorry ‘bout it”.

It doesn’t surprise me in the least that it’s a Christian publication.

I do think the love languages idea has merit- some people value material things more, some prioritise time together above all else etc. It can be useful to know what's meaningful to your partner and that it may be different to what you value most highly. I agree though that it's no magic bullet, and should be the start of a conversation, not a red line

You are right to be devastated. He should have said that though he is happy he can see you're not and he would like to know how he can help you. That is what a partnership is about. He should not be happy if you are not.

Crikey, the man doesn't want to connect with you, emotionally or physically. Any of my exes would have run upstairs and dropped everything if I'd sent them an underwear pic.

Going to the garden centre together is what a retired couple would do (having said that,my parents are in their 70s and they have a lot more fun than that!).

This man isn't for you. He is a friend and should have remained a friend. Maybe it's him or maybe he doesn't have the right feelings for you and I guess you can't force it. But absolutely leave before children and before it gets really messy.

I liked the Love Languages book, and I e Ben happily married for 25 years. I would say it’s good for self help, as in if you’re the person who bought it and read it and are wanting things to change. Possibly not so much for the partner not wanting to change.

You should be equally honest and tell him that you need more and if he’s not prepared to compromise, then you can’t stay and risk your MH taking a bigger hit than it already has.

Him not trying = divorce.

I’m just wondering if he’s always been this kind of person and although I’ve noticed I’ve never really given it that much thought because I’ve had my own things to worry about. Now we are stuck in together 24/7 it’s starting to highlight that maybe he isn’t the person I thought he was. I feel so awful even having these thoughts. He’s such a good man

I think you have hit the nail on the head.

I’m sure he’s a good man. But he’s told you quite clearly that this is it. What you see is what you get. He’s not going to change, he’s happy the way things are.

So either you decide to live like this for the next 50 years ( and probably don’t have children ) or you leave.

I’m sorry .

For me it wouldn’t even be the lack of physical intimacy which I would find distressing and has been much focussed on here. It’s the complete lack of interest in the OP as a person. Even a bloody friend would want to engage with, discuss or even entertain. This prick couldn’t even be enticed to share a drink in the garden together. He doesn’t give a shit and I don’t think it’s the OP’s job to figure out why or how it could be fixed. I really don’t think it can. Thank God you’re only in your 20s OP

OP please do not worry at all about being divorced before 30. I know two people who have done this and they are both so much happier now (one remarried at 30 and the other one is in a happy new relationship).

So, so much better to be divorced in your late 20s with no kids than in your mid-late 30s with a couple of young children. Most people I know didn’t meet their husband until their late 20s/early 30s so you still have plenty of time to find the right guy for you, to make you happy and build a family with. If you leave it until later and after children it won’t be so easy.

He’s told you now that he’s not interested in making things better for you so there’s nothing more you can do

I find the comments about needing to "try harder" and "make an effort" curious. My DP used language like that (about themselves, not me) during the last few years before we split up. My response was (is) that if being intimate or affectionate with someone is such an effort, that pretty much tells you already that you don't love them. Maybe arranged marriages work better when people put more effort into going through the motions, but that's not what I want from a relationship. It doesn't sound like it's what you want either, and in fact it sounds like the kind of practical things that are a question of trying work pretty well here.

It sounds like he's not really in love with you any more, in the sense of being excited and motivated by being with you. From your description, that may well be largely about a generalised effect of depression that makes him unable to get excited or motivated by anything. Or it may not. If you wanted to be sympathetic to that possibility, you could suggest a trial separation with a view that you'd be up for considering getting back together if he gets his spark back. At the moment it seems like he doesn't even want to get it back, and you can't live with that forever, it will suck you dry.

Or you could just cut your losses and end it. You clearly want different things, from the relationship and from life. The fact that you don't have children yet is a very lucky break. Take it, and get out while you can do so relatively easily.

One thing I learnt. You can talk and talk and talk about relationships. But you either love someone or you don't.

Lottapianos

Surely by the time you’re thinking about marriage you would already know all of these things about your partner and whether or not they’re a dealbreaker for you.

I saw a post on here last week where some poor woman was using this concept of “love language” to excuse all kind of shite behaviour. It was along the lines of “he never shows me any affection or says he loves me, but his love language is making me cups of tea sometimes”.

I just looked up this love languages book thinking, “if it’s not written by an evangelical pastor I’ll eat my hat”.

Pizza for dinner, hold the fedora.

Is he passionate about anything at all in his life? Was he ever good at communicating his feelings?

I think you risk having your self-confidence hammered to be honest. If your partner tells you they’re unhappy it should trigger a compassionate response.

You need to find a way to talk, but it sounds like you’ve been trying and not getting very far. Marriages usually have ups and downs and you’ll face all kinds of trials, you do need something to keep you united.

There’s no chance he’s actually had second thoughts and he’s pushing you to be the one to bail out?