Only just married but husband has no interest

[sunflowery]

Just looking for some advice really.

Got married to DH last year. I’m now 27 and he’s 30. I’m struggling with the fact that he doesn’t seem to really be that interested in me, physically or mentally anymore.

We used to have lots of really in depth conversations about anything and everything, and he used to make it clear how much he was attracted to me.

But recently something just feels amiss. When we aren’t working (both WFH atm) he just wants to watch TV. I try to start conversations and I barely get any response. We just had dinner and watched some TV together and I cheerily asked him if he wanted to come and have a drink the garden with me and he just said ‘no thanks’ and took the remote. I’ve lost a fair bit of weight recently and I (feel really embarrassed about it now) sent him an underwear pic when he was downstairs the other day asking him to come up to bed and he just replied ‘lol won’t be long’. These kind of small rejections happen regularly and are starting to add up.

I’m starting to fantasise about starting again with someone who is crazy about me. It’s what I crave, and I feel like I’m too young to feel stuck in this kind of rut. I’ve got tears in my eyes just writing this. And I’ve tried talking to him about how unwanted I feel sometimes and he promises it’ll change but it never does. I feel awful but sometimes I think about my exes or starting again with someone else and it doesn’t feel like it would be wrong.

Please could someone give me some advice about how to fix this?

You might see me in a few different groups on mums eat asking for help with my alcoholic husband who has gained loads of weight and ignores me much of the time. We have kids who are 11 and 9 and no matter what people say I probably won’t leave him because I care too much about the effect on the kids. Reason I’m mentioning this is because I don’t think you have kids yet so it’s easy to leave. It might not seem like it but it it’s way easier to do now than when kids are involved. Believe me, I wish every day I was with someone who was interested in what I had to say rather than just when he wanted sex. Go now, find the man who makes you feel amazing

Do not give up lightly on your marriage. Talk to him. He may be depressed, anything could be happening. At certain times in our lives in a marriage. We go on pararel tracks. If you love him and he is a genuine nice guy then speak to him first. Marriage is never a lifetime of bliss it has to be worked on but only if it is worth it.
Good luck 🍀

My first marriage was like this. Turned out to be because of secret debt that he was terrified I'd find out about. Only told me when I said actually I want a divorce because of a total lack of intimacy. TBH I knew things didn't add up with money, and that there was definitely something creating distance his side. Divorced at 29, much happier, remarried at 30 - to the right person. The difference is night and day. All the best to you

Honestly, I had a marriage like this. He just wasn't interested really. We didn't even have sex for weeks after we got married. He turned out to be a porn addict, but I had tried everything and just felt disgusting. I ended up leaving early on as I couldn't face either becoming a sex pest or feeling unattractive.

I am now remarried to a wonderful man who is very affectionate and has a similar sex drive to me. I am so much happier and can't imagine my life if I had stayed in the first marriage

How much porn does he watch OP?

Can you ask him what type of lifestyle he wants? It sounds like now he has 'secured' you as a wife, no further effort needs to be made. It would be good to hear from him how a typical week would go as you will get a good inclination of whether he is on the same track as you.

Can’t believe pp saying things like “marriage has ups and downs, it’s not all rosy”. You’re one year in ffs.

There’s nothing wrong with being divorced before 30, if that’s where this ends up. I know lots of people who are. As for the older generation, they’re now the boomers, and that group is riddled with divorce. The only people who would judge you are people with blinkers on.

Well done for losing weight by the way, I don’t blame you for being upset that he doesn’t want to acknowledge or share your excitement about your body. It’s mean-spirited of him, at best.

Is he def watching tv op? Porn use can, ironically, reduce libido in men as "normal" sex just isn't enough. Do you think he's just trying to be alone?

I can't believe all the PPs saying to stick it out, ups and downs blah blah. Have you never heard of the honeymoon period? This is as good as it's gonna get!!

Don't feel put off by the idea of being divorced before 30. Much worse to end up 40, still married to him and trapped in with children and financial obligations and to look back and wish you'd left.

Thanks for the comments everyone. I ended up getting a bit upset when he came up to bed last night and it turned into a bit of a confrontation. I told him how I felt and he just threw lots of examples at me of how we spend time together, but they were really naff examples like ‘we watched a film’ and ‘I went to the garden centre with you’. It’s not quality time and things like that don’t make me feel like he’s interested in me. He admitted the sex/intimacy thing was an issue but he’s not sure what to do about it. That just makes me feel worse tbh.

Re porn - as far as I’m aware he doesn’t watch any. I’ve asked him before and he’s said no but obviously he might be lying. Tbh it rings true, he just doesn’t seem interested in sex anymore.

He’s being quite brisk with me this morning and just said really flatly ‘thanks for telling me how you feel.’

I just want to scream at him how offputting I find his total lack of energy for anything, especially our marriage but I don’t want to resort to being spiteful.

Feeling totally disheartened and alone this morning, just want to go and have a cup of tea and a hug with my mum. Bloody covid.

Perhaps, OP, you should be equally brisk back.

"If you want to remain married to me, we have to have couples counselling. Otherwise I don't see a future for us together."

I was also going to suggest the 5 love languages book. It's written from a Christian point of view but the core premise applies to anyone. We got given a copy for our wedding and read it during a freak rainstorm on honeymoon. The fact he's saying we watched a film, went to the garden centre suggests his language is quality time, he sees spending time together as expressing love, where yours is physical affection. If you can read it together it's going to help you each apprecaite where the other is coming from, that you feel love in different ways so while you may both feel you are demonstrating love it's kind of irrelevant if that's not how the other person is wired to feel loved. If you can both approach it together it's easy to adapt to the other person's love language as well as your own, and to feel a lot better in the relationship, but if he isn't willing to talk about it let alone change it doesn't look good unfortauntely. You an both be wonderful people, but it doesn't mean you are automatically wonderful together.

Three things OP

1. You just know when someone just isn’t drawn to you - Like you know how it feels when someone is. It’s in their voice, their fingertips, their lips, their eyes. You aren’t being ungrateful.
2. You don’t have to fix this - things have changed early and suddenly-you are young and don’t share children. This can be undone. You can trial separate and see how you both feel. Sometimes it can reset a relationship or confirm it’s not got what’s needed.
3. You will find support here - I think if a man had written in he would be guilted into - is this about sex -(yuk!) ? are you contributing enough to house/home/ - you’re probably to blame, you sound needy and expect to be worshipped?

I don’t think any of those things - and wouldn’t if the roles were reversed (other than the intimate photo thing - which would be a dick move for a guy! Lol)

My ex husband was like this for years. Always assured me he was fine in himself, would have a brief period of showing more interest after any conversation about it and then back to the same. We went on like this for years, with me finding excuses and reasons for it and him assuring me he loved me. Turns out he was depressed all along. That depression got worse and I realised, he didn't. By then it was too late for our marriage though - I helped him get help and/but he checked out completely.

We're now friends and I can see the difference in him. He's much more like the man I first met. But, as I said, too late for our marriage as he got so bad he checked out. We both wish we'd realised what was going on much earlier. Having talked it through with a counsellor (during the death throes of the marriage) it was clear his lack in interest in me was a lack of interest in life because of the depression. He could summon the mental, physical and emotional energy for work but had nothing left for anything or anyone else.

I am not trying to diagnose, to be clear. But am suggesting you consider all possibilities.

Hi OP that’s tough. Maybe he’s on of those men who don’t feel they need to try anymore once he’s married.
I see when challenged he focused on your practical needs and not your emotional needs.
When did you notice this change or was he really always like this?
Is lockdown getting to him?
Is he still working?
Does he go out for his daily excercise.
If you are not happy you are not happy.
If he loves you he will listen to your needs and respond accordingly.

Hi OP,
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. As others have suggested he could be depressed without even knowing it properly himself. I think counselling would be a good idea and I think you need to keep trying to talk to him in the meantime.
But at the same time you need to be happy and maybe you need to give yourself a timescale as to how long you are willing to keep trying if he won't engage with any of the suggestions you make.
I hope you have good support from family and friends.

If he's like this at 30 I dread to think what he's going to be like at 50. You need to have a serious conversation about your future together. Don't be fobbed off as you will go round in circles and things won't change.

I’ve been trying to pinpoint when I first started to notice things and I can’t really. We’ve been together five years, married one and have lived together for just over three. When we first met he did all the chasing and he seemed really into me.

He started feeling down at work about a year ago, saying he wasn’t enjoying it, finding his colleagues irritating etc. Something else came up and he seemed really interested in it and I remember feeling really pleased that I’d seen a spark of enthusiasm in him. That must mean that I’d noticed his lack of it before that. Anyway he got this new job and now he’s on a lower salary temporarily but it should increase in a few months once he’s qualified so he’s got a lot on his plate workwise at the moment. Trouble is, I fear he is getting complacent about that too and not putting as much effort in as he needs to. It is difficult as he’s missed out on a lot of training and courses due to covid but because we are both at home I’m able to watch him and he doesn’t seem to be giving it his all sometimes. As you can tell he is very laid back and sometimes I feel like I do the worrying/planning for us both.

We are both getting our daily exercise, sometimes together, sometimes not.

I’m just wondering if he’s always been this kind of person and although I’ve noticed I’ve never really given it that much thought because I’ve had my own things to worry about. Now we are stuck in together 24/7 it’s starting to highlight that maybe he isn’t the person I thought he was. I feel so awful even having these thoughts. He’s such a good man.

OP I think that lock up may not be a great time to evaluate this. Does he have job concerns? Financial worries can take over people, definitely having an effect on desire etc. He may be stressed and not want to say. Did this start prior to COVID?

I see you've answered about timescales.

Job concerns can be overwhelming for some people.

How much weight have you lost, is it a life changing two dress sizes amount?

My DH lost 3 stone last year after I had my third child so I was at the other end of the healthy spectrum and I didn't want to sexually interact with him because I was embarrassed by how much better he looked. I of course complimented him but even found cuddling difficult on the sofa because suddenly he was this fit guy.

Lifestyles have to be compatible for relationships to work. I disagree with pp saying this should be the best it gets because most people find the first year of marriage the most difficult as suddenly the dating, the wedding is over and now it's about daily life grind.

Ultimately does he bring joy to your life?

I'm married, early twenties and this honestly could be about my life...

I go to bed on my own, fall asleep on my own, and wake up on my own. Hes come to bed once or twice to my knowledge in the past few weeks. Dont even watch telly together, no interest in watching anything together.. honestly its crap..

XDownwiththissortofthingX do men who just get bored with sex with their partner generally have a low sex drive? Why do they stay in the relationship? Surely it must be beyond depressing to think of a lifetime of being married to someone you no longer fancy or want to get jiggy with? I know divorce is messy and expensive but a life with no passion would be like a death by a thousand cuts....it would suck out my soul and leave me empty and life would seem pointless