Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Need some perspective - this is controlling, right?

95 replies

RiverCrossing · 14/05/2020 23:07

So in a nutshell, and without drip feeding a massively long story, my DH and I have been together for 6.5 years, married for 3. All fine and I mean genuinely really fine until we moved to be closer to his family last year. Since then I have seen a completely different side to him - he’s become needy and quite horrible at times.

Examples are being moody if I’m on the phone to my family - so I can only speak to them when he’s at work - giving me the silent treatment for 2/3 days after I go out to do my hobby on a Tuesday night, asking me to cut off certain friends and picking at everything I do. He’s also developed this habit of ringing me whenever he is driving and expecting me to be on the phone to him until he gets to his destination. I can’t go on work nights out because he’d just sulk, I can’t even get out of bed before he’s awake in the morning because he’ll be grumpy I ‘left’ him. I feel like I can’t breathe and the only space I get is when I’m in the bathroom or at work. I have never given him a reason not to trust me and I know, I do know, that all of this is controlling behaviour. But every time I try and approach it he tells me it’s a reflection of how much he loves and needs me, how he’s scared I’ll leave him and how it’s because his mental health is wobbly and so he’s needy. And then I feel terrible for questioning it because perhaps it is just about how much he loves and needs me and wants me around. And so I’m going round in circles, all the meanwhile getting more and more claustrophobic. I’m so anxious all the time and I’ve been lying to him about having to stay late at work so I can go and see a friend for coffee. I know that’s a slippery slope and I don’t want to be lying but I can’t see my friends without him creating a massive issue. Perhaps it’s not controlling really and that part is in my head? I don’t know, I would be grateful of an outside perspective please.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 14/05/2020 23:09

I couldn't bear to live like that, OP. You must feel like you're walking on eggshells.

Do you have children together? A mortgage?

kimmyst · 14/05/2020 23:22

I think you need to explain exactly how it's making you feel, and it's to stop as you're feeling suffocated. I would suggest some therapy for him to help him through his issues also, otherwise I can see this escalating!
If he isn't willing to get help,
Or accept that it's too much then I would personally be reconsidering the marriage.
Please don't stop doing things that would make you happy, just because he wants you to to be home with him. That's a massive slippery slope!

Grobagsforever · 14/05/2020 23:24

Jesus Christ, he's incredibly controlling and abusive.

Can you safely leave?

GilbertMarkham · 14/05/2020 23:29

Perhaps it’s not controlling really and that part is in my head?

It is controlling and it's not in your head.

You know it isn't.

I dint think anyone reading this wouldn't feel stressed (and angry actually) on your behalf.

It's awful behaviour, he doesn't deserve to be in a relationship if he doesn't stop this. He needs help and if he won't get it or it doesn't work - permanently - you should leave unfortunately. It will affect your mental health and it's abuse really.

Do you have any kids together?

lilmishap · 14/05/2020 23:31

But every time I try and approach it he tells me it’s a reflection of how much he loves and needs me, how he’s scared I’ll leave him and how it’s because his mental health is wobbly and so he’s needy. And then I feel terrible for questioning it because perhaps it is just about how much he loves and needs me and wants me around

"The way you love me, makes me feel shit. Your mental health is affecting MY mental health and I am adult enough to know putting your mental health before mine is a sign that my mental health is off, it's unhealthy to put anothers welfare before my own and its unhealthy to ask me to do so. Your fear of abandonment is a weapon I need to protect myself from. I'm sorry you're struggling but I only have one life and this it. Here are some numbers"

Spillinteas · 14/05/2020 23:32

You know it’s controlling. I left some one like this many moons ago. Honestly it will not get better - only worse

SomeHalfHumanCreatureThing · 14/05/2020 23:38

Ring your family whenever you want
Ignore the phone of he's driving home
Get up whenever the fuck you like
Go on nights out whenever you like
Ignore the sulk.

Been there, with most of these. I'd bet there are plenty of other things he does to keep you in check. Little things, that seem unimportant.

Stop walking on eggshells around him. Then let his reaction decide where you want to go from here.

QualityFeet · 14/05/2020 23:41

You cannot live that this. You are not secondary to him. You need to be free and it is hard to see you could manage that inside this relationship.

pallisers · 14/05/2020 23:48

The only thing that matters to him is how you make him feel - he doesn't care at all about YOU.

This is horribly controlling and abusive and you need to get out now. Maybe his mental health is bad - but you are not a prescription medicine. You are a whole separate human being who deserves and needs her own separate life and wants and needs.

Honeyroar · 14/05/2020 23:50

That is awful!

Holothane · 15/05/2020 00:00

My dh has mental issues but he’d never do this, he encouraged me to go to bingo and swimming, when we could. This is abuse your allowed a life.

bunbunbun · 15/05/2020 00:06

Controlling, manipulative and selfish.

This is much more worrying than you seem to realise, as I know it's hard to see so close to it.

Because he is on a campaign to isolate you from people you care about and ensure he can see everything you do.

And already doing all of this under the guise of him "needing" you because he loves you so much. In other words, you would be mean to say no.

This will get worse and chip away at you. Google sunk cost fallacy and also death by a thousand papercuts. I'd be making plans ASAP.

Babooshkar · 15/05/2020 00:12

So for 5.5 years he was completely not like this at all? Then bang, one year ago you move and he’s suddenly controlling and isolating you?

Lucked · 15/05/2020 00:18

I find the change strange. I do think you have to start living as you want because whilst you are capitulating it doesn’t seem that bad so he comes across as okay most of the time. I think this is going to escalate .

ErrmWTAF · 15/05/2020 00:40

A lot of abusers ramp it up when a milestone is passed: moving in, marriage, pregnancy, financial entwining, or (in this case) moving their victim away from her support network and closer to his. So, how about you wind your neck in Babooshkar

TeaForTara · 15/05/2020 00:42

It does seem weird that he waited over 5 years before this controlling behaviour came out. As he’s blaming his mental health, I would expect him to take steps to seek treatment.

Yes, it is extremely controlling, including the sulking. You have modified your behaviour to extreme lengths. Do not let him isolate you from your family, friends and colleagues. Ring your family whenever you want. This lockdown is a real boon for him, but make it clear you’ll be resuming your hobby and other activities once lockdown is over. Not wanting you to get up until he’s awake is just ridiculous.

I think you’re the boiled frog - this has come on gradually, bit by bit, so you’ve hardly noticed him turning up the heat until suddenly you’re boiled alive.

REignbow · 15/05/2020 03:17

This is not only controlling but very abusive. He is manipulating you with his behaviour, so that you toe the line.

I was shocked when you said, that he doesn’t like you to get out f bed before him. That is not normal. I bet, you also have to go to bed at the same time as him as well? I also, assume that when you are out by yourself, that you also have to be in constant communication with him as well.

Please call WA, tell your friends and family. Read the abuser profile by Lundy Bancroft.

As the PP stated, he’s been doing this so gradually so that you haven’t noticed, until now. He’s also, got you questioning if your own feelings are correct or not (they are by the way).

In all seriousness, if you have a child with him, he will ramp this controlling behaviour even more.

Please leave him.

REignbow · 15/05/2020 03:21

I also wanted to say, that you ARE NOT responsible for his wobbly mental health. HE IS.

You do realise that he hasn’t got mental health issues, right? He’s an abusive twat that is using this, as a way to make you feel guilty.

Also, he’s never going to agree that his behaviour is abnormal and that it isn’t about love at all.

His actions and behaviour are telling you who he is, his words are just cheap talk.

Blondebakingmumma · 15/05/2020 05:00

If he loves you, he’d want you to be happy and have healthy relationships with friends and family. He doesn’t love you, he wants to control you

Sulking so you fall into line the next time is classic abuse. Can you move home to your family?

isabellerossignol · 15/05/2020 05:17

But every time I try and approach it he tells me it’s a reflection of how much he loves and needs me, how he’s scared I’ll leave him

Part of me wants to say 'tell him that you will leave him if he doesn't cut it out, right now'.

But sadly I suspect that like most abusers, he would just step it up a level.

Do you think it's possible that his behaviour could escalate to the point that you're in danger? Has he ever been physically threatening, or 'accidentally' locked you in the house?

Stillnotfrom · 15/05/2020 08:01

Another one saying 'nip it in the bud' OP. I didn't and I'm facing divorce and starting again in my mid 50's. My big regret is that I didn't protest at his behaviour much, much sooner. We may have split earlier but I would have saved myself many years of silent treatments and walking on eggshells, ruined birthdays and avoiding nights out. He was also always telling me how unhappy he was in his job and the sacrifices he was making for the family, so I felt guilty and would try harder to please him. I now realise that it was not my job to fix everything that made him unhappy.

I finally woke up a couple of years ago and realised I had no friends, hardly ever saw my family and was miserable and anxious most of the time. I belived the 'it's only because I love you so much' line for decades but now I see that you can't love someone and be so controlling. Oh, and he is telling everyone the split is all my fault as he can never, ever be in the wrong.

Don't accept it OP, show love for yourself and think about how people who are loved should be treated.

Shoxfordian · 15/05/2020 08:03

It's really controlling but you must already know that op

Can you call women's aid?

VerityB1 · 15/05/2020 08:11

Severe mental health issues in terms of controlling and anxiety and he's v unlikely to change. All that will change is you as become isolated, ground down and lose your self esteem.

Please contact a helpline such as Women's Aid for advice or check out some websites (but does he check your history).

Is it safe to have a conversation with him, or will he just explode?

I suggest planning your exit safely. He is unlikely to have any emotional intelligence or understanding as to why so once you have attempted to explain (if you feel you want to), dont waste your emotions feeling sad or guilty ... he cant help it, it's the way his wired. But you can help living with someone like this. So get out safely as soon as you can, youve put your life on hold and eggshells for long enough.

copycopypaste · 15/05/2020 08:16

If this has just happened in the last year and you've had a good six years previously I'd sit him down and talk. I'd tell him he has to go to councilling and speak to a councillor and see if it's prudent to have joint or separate sessions.

Yes it is controlling and these behaviours don't appear straight away, however by moving you away from family is a typical tactic by an abuser so maybe it's just taken him longer than normal for these traits to appear.

However it really is no way to live and it needs to stop either from him or you leave

Gobbycop · 15/05/2020 08:19

Yes, very.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread