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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need some perspective - this is controlling, right?

95 replies

RiverCrossing · 14/05/2020 23:07

So in a nutshell, and without drip feeding a massively long story, my DH and I have been together for 6.5 years, married for 3. All fine and I mean genuinely really fine until we moved to be closer to his family last year. Since then I have seen a completely different side to him - he’s become needy and quite horrible at times.

Examples are being moody if I’m on the phone to my family - so I can only speak to them when he’s at work - giving me the silent treatment for 2/3 days after I go out to do my hobby on a Tuesday night, asking me to cut off certain friends and picking at everything I do. He’s also developed this habit of ringing me whenever he is driving and expecting me to be on the phone to him until he gets to his destination. I can’t go on work nights out because he’d just sulk, I can’t even get out of bed before he’s awake in the morning because he’ll be grumpy I ‘left’ him. I feel like I can’t breathe and the only space I get is when I’m in the bathroom or at work. I have never given him a reason not to trust me and I know, I do know, that all of this is controlling behaviour. But every time I try and approach it he tells me it’s a reflection of how much he loves and needs me, how he’s scared I’ll leave him and how it’s because his mental health is wobbly and so he’s needy. And then I feel terrible for questioning it because perhaps it is just about how much he loves and needs me and wants me around. And so I’m going round in circles, all the meanwhile getting more and more claustrophobic. I’m so anxious all the time and I’ve been lying to him about having to stay late at work so I can go and see a friend for coffee. I know that’s a slippery slope and I don’t want to be lying but I can’t see my friends without him creating a massive issue. Perhaps it’s not controlling really and that part is in my head? I don’t know, I would be grateful of an outside perspective please.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/05/2020 08:31

RiverCrossing

You are indeed in an abusive relationship here. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour and this man wants absolute power and control over you.

Abuse like you describe is insidious in its onset and there may well have been red flags in your relationship that were either minimised, that "minor" that it did not properly register at the time or simply not recognised.

Plan your exit from this relationship with due care and diligence. Womens Aid are certainly worth contacting here and I would urge you to call them. Do also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft (keep this book well away from him).

In the meantime play your cards close to your chest and stay safe. This will also be your life with him going forward if you were to choose to stay. He feels actively entitled to act like he does and he wants you to be a bird in a cage, a cage made out of his own paranoid making.

Abuse like this too will take time, perhaps years even now, to recover from. Your own recovery from his abuse will only properly start when you have fully left the relationship.

Please do not ever enter into joint counselling with your H. All he would do in counselling, if he ever bothered to go (which is also unlikely because he may think he is doing nothing wrong here) is to try and manipulate the counsellor into taking his side and making out this is a joint issue. This is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

GilbertMarkham · 15/05/2020 08:35

it’s a reflection of how much he loves .. me

Well no, because if you truly loved someone, you wouldn't make their life poorer not richer. Which is exactly what he's doing by;

  • Trying to stop you from socialising with friends/acquaintances
  • trying to stop you from going on work nights out/socialising with work colleagues
  • trying to stop you from chatting to your family/loved ones (when he's there anyway)
  • trying to get you to cut off friends (this is only reasonable on extreme circumstances - like if someone were an addict and the "friend" another addict of dealer etc. I have a feeling none of the extreme circumstances exist with your friends.
  • not even letting you get up and out of bed when you naturally wake and feel like getting up (unbelievably controlling and bullying)

All those things would make you happy, relaxed and enrich your life .... And that's obvious to anyone ... But he tries (successfully actually) to stop you from doing them or having them.

That's not love, that's control.

GilbertMarkham · 15/05/2020 08:37

In fact I should have quoted Lundy Bancroft;

" That's not love, that's ownership".

GilbertMarkham · 15/05/2020 08:38

He's removing your basic rights and freedoms.

What he's doing is actually a crime now.

PopcornAndWine · 15/05/2020 08:40

Oh god, another abusive man hiding behind mental health issues as an excuse. Makes me so angry.

This is very unlikely to get better OP. Please leave.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/05/2020 08:45

he tells me it’s a reflection of how much he loves and needs me
Yep, this is the line ALL controlling abusers use.
Please save yourself OP.
Get out and get away.
Get back to your family - today!!!!
Can you do that?

GilbertMarkham · 15/05/2020 08:52

You don't love someone when you put your insecurities, anxiety and "issues" above their basic human rights and happiness.

You're incapable of truly loving them.

This sort of person can't truly love someone else; because they don't really see a partner as a free, independent, autonomous, equal human being, their mindset in a relationship is more akin to a possession or extension of themselves.

Lundy Bancroft describes men who attended the program he rang, when challenged about their behaviour, shaking their heads in bemusement and almost laughing while they said some variation of "but this is my wife/gf we're talking about!".

GilbertMarkham · 15/05/2020 08:54

*ran

Bananalanacake · 15/05/2020 09:19

Do you have dc. I've read on here how men like him want their dp to have babies so they are tied to the relationship and it's more difficult to leave.

suggestionsplease1 · 15/05/2020 09:41

It is controlling. Even if he does have mental health problems that are exacerbating poor behaviour that does not in any way justify your lived experiences, and the onus is on him to address these.

Try really hard not to get into a situation where you're lying to keep the peace - this will really spiral, and when he catches you out, will, in his head, give him justification for his poor attitude and actions. There is no need to lie, you just need to tell him that it is perfectly reasonable for you to see your friends when you want, and if he can't manage his emotions around that then this is a problem he has to deal with, and if he can't deal with it, then it is a marriage-breaker.

Don't enable his poor behaviour - it's not good for him and it's certainly not good for you or your relationship.

Mumof3dogs · 15/05/2020 09:47

I can sympathize with your DH behaviors as mine has done and continues to do similar.

Being stuck in lockdown with him at home and out of a job is making it even harder!

He tries the emotional blackmail with "wanting to spend time together " meaning I literally can't go anywhere on my own - he even drives me to the supermarket but waits in the car outside .

I can sympathize with the bed situation as my DH wants me there when he is and he sulks if I go up before him.
I got to the point of getting up early with the dogs so I could escape him and his snoring!

This all said we had a massive row at the weekend - (we he ranted and I had to listen ) and I have taken up residence in the spare room . Feels like I have a little bit of control back, though I'm waiting for the demand to return to the marital bed .

I'm 25 years into my marriage and got to this point , if you are only 3 years in I would certainly advise you start thinking about leaving as he will not change and may get worse!

GilbertMarkham · 15/05/2020 10:12

"wanting to spend time together "

There's a difference between spending time together and spending all your time together.

This sounds nearly as bad as op's situation.
It's controlling and abusive.

Mumof3dogs · 15/05/2020 10:45

@GilbertMarkham

I can see that it's abusive sadly.
There is more to it which would be a whole new thread.

I'm trying to find ways to get through it and plan my way out . With his job situation and the pandemic it's not a good time to exit

I am starting to plan and biding my time to be in a better financial situation- if he has no job any spousal maintenance would be minimal and I am pretty certain I would be entitled to it ..

Bananalanacake · 15/05/2020 12:18

Does he call you on a hands free phone when he is driving? even so they can hinder concentration and lead to accidents.

3rdNamechange · 15/05/2020 14:08

Sorry you need to leave asap. You're allowed to leave in lockdown.
He sounds like a nightmare.

nannymags · 15/05/2020 14:39

Xxx

nannymags · 15/05/2020 14:45

lilmishap Wow you are incredibly articulate and emotionally intelligent! I just love how you speak xxxx

longtimecomin · 15/05/2020 15:13

This is controlling. My ex would have a go at me if I had s work meeting and it was only me plus a man. He would be like 'what were you talking about for a whole hour' like I must have been sucking his dick for 40minutes at least.

Original poster
RiverCrossing · 15/05/2020 20:14

Thank you all - I am going to sit and read all of these properly, but I didn’t expect such kindness really. You lot are wonderful. No mortgage, we have savings but mostly entirely separate finances - I earn more and pay for more, so I’ll just stop if it comes to it. No children - I think often this is for me a good thing right now. I need a plan, it’s just now I go about it because it feels so overwhelming to do it, especially now. Ultimately I know I need to leave - but I just wish he would get some help, I’ve suggested it many times but always get shot down or told I’m being too ‘work like’ in what I’m saying (I am a social worker) - so he won’t even consider that anything needs to change. And yes, honestly it’s been fine for such a long time, something about living here has triggered all of this I think, I just don’t know what Sad

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 15/05/2020 20:25

so he won’t even consider that anything needs to change.

Oh but it does. He's already making you feel anxious and claustrophobic - not the actions of a loving partner. It seems clear that moving near his family has triggered him wanting to completely isolate you and own you.

If he won't take action to address this, then you must leave. You can't go on like this.

Original poster
RiverCrossing · 15/05/2020 20:53

Yes he rings on hands free whenever he is driving. He has an hour commute to work and I used to love it because I didn’t have to leave for a bit so I used that time to watch something on tv I wanted to (we can only watch what he wants, usually something I hate) but now he rings the second he is in the car so I have to be on the phone until he gets wherever he is going. God that sounds ridiculous written down.

OP posts:
Drogonssmile · 15/05/2020 20:57

That's really weird how it's started since you moved. Will he not engage if you ask him what it is about the move that has made him "wobbly" and "needy"?

RandomMess · 15/05/2020 20:58

Blimey, run for the hills...

Chatons · 15/05/2020 20:59

Christ, he sounds unhinged.

What would happen if you didn’t accept the call?

If he claims to have wobbly mental health then you can insist he sees a GP.

CodenameVillanelle · 15/05/2020 21:00

God almighty
You're a social worker so you know something about abusive behaviour patterns. You know this isn't going to magically get better.