Need some perspective - this is controlling, right?

[RiverCrossing]

So in a nutshell, and without drip feeding a massively long story, my DH and I have been together for 6.5 years, married for 3. All fine and I mean genuinely really fine until we moved to be closer to his family last year. Since then I have seen a completely different side to him - he’s become needy and quite horrible at times.

Examples are being moody if I’m on the phone to my family - so I can only speak to them when he’s at work - giving me the silent treatment for 2/3 days after I go out to do my hobby on a Tuesday night, asking me to cut off certain friends and picking at everything I do. He’s also developed this habit of ringing me whenever he is driving and expecting me to be on the phone to him until he gets to his destination. I can’t go on work nights out because he’d just sulk, I can’t even get out of bed before he’s awake in the morning because he’ll be grumpy I ‘left’ him. I feel like I can’t breathe and the only space I get is when I’m in the bathroom or at work. I have never given him a reason not to trust me and I know, I do know, that all of this is controlling behaviour. But every time I try and approach it he tells me it’s a reflection of how much he loves and needs me, how he’s scared I’ll leave him and how it’s because his mental health is wobbly and so he’s needy. And then I feel terrible for questioning it because perhaps it is just about how much he loves and needs me and wants me around. And so I’m going round in circles, all the meanwhile getting more and more claustrophobic. I’m so anxious all the time and I’ve been lying to him about having to stay late at work so I can go and see a friend for coffee. I know that’s a slippery slope and I don’t want to be lying but I can’t see my friends without him creating a massive issue. Perhaps it’s not controlling really and that part is in my head? I don’t know, I would be grateful of an outside perspective please.

It sounds like his behaviour suddenly changed after you moved closer to his family? Why?

Did he move you to get away from your family & friends? I feel for you he might be needy but more likely controlling I have similar issues so i know it's hard to see especially if you love him but you need to put your mental health before his. If you want to go out do it let him sulk tell him your more likely to leave him more now because he wont allow you to be your own person the way hes treating you is unhealthy. A child would hate this behaviour why should you put up with it? Good luck.

Its controlling... but the fact it's happened suddenly in the last year when you've been together over 6 years does point to it being caused by some sort of external issue... not that it's your responsibility to try and help him if hes being abusive... but I'd personally have one last go at talking to him about how it's making you feel and asking him to get professional help with it. It may be that being around his parents more is bringing up issue from his childhood or how his parents behave with each other in their marriage or whatever... I'd tell him that you need to see him making an effort to sort this problem out or you are going to have to leave because you are being suffocated.

Op I could have written some of your post. My partner used to not like me going out with friends either. I stopped seeing them because it was easier. When I worked, I turned down any work night out invitations for the same reason. I don't have any friends left now. I lost contact with all of them.

During the lockdown he's home all the time. I often speak to my mum on the phone but usually he isn't at home when I do. Now he is. Instead of believing me that I am just talking to her like I always do, he thinks that there's something secretive being discussed. He keeps asking me what it is, he says I'm being unfair by keeping it from him. There's no secret and he doesn't believe me.

Those aren't the only examples, there is more but I don't want to take over your thread. It's not normal and I wish it hadn't taken me 12 years to realise that. Earlier today I was on our balcony thinking how nice it would be to jump off and run away. As soon as I can afford to leave, I'll be out of here.

If I were you I'd really think back over the last six years and try to work out if there were any signs of him being controlling. Like the getting out of bed before him thing, is that new too? If there was literally nothing before this year then perhaps there is something else going on, but if you talk to him about it and there is no sign he is going to stop, then I suggest you leave sooner rather than waiting for another ten years.

And don't put up with him using his mental health as an excuse either, because trust me, living this way will destroy yours.

something about living here has triggered all of this I think, I just don’t know what
He's moved 'back' to his family/home town and previous life.....and seemingly reverted to what he's actually like.
He feels confident enough now to let his mask slip.

He moved you away from your own support network and is now trying to cut you off from all other sources of self too.
Classic abuser script.

Start putting your own savings away for a rental and start looking for places.
He's waited until he got you 'alone' before upping the ante......if you were still in your previous town you'd have those roots and proximity to support.
Here you're on your own.

we can only watch what he wants, usually something I hate

Is this recent too?

If you think back throughout your entire relationship to date, very open minded-ly and critically, do you see things that foreshadow this?

If this is truly a total change in behaviour then he needs to seek medical help/investigation (and psychological help if physical things are ruled out).

It seems more likely that there have been things that have foreshadowed this and now that you're living together away from your family he's going full steam ahead.

"It's because I love you and need you" is textbook controller and abuser.

Noone who truly loves someone makes their life harder and worse. They love themselves, and making sure they feel in control and secure, no matter what the cost to their partner.

You're not bringing your work into things; his behaviour is nuts, totally unacceptable and tbh, even if he stopped tomorrow, I'd still advise you to get out.

I way would I tolerate that phone thing - stop accepting it right now.

How attached are you to your new area? I think start with keeping an eye out for jobs elsewhere and go for a complete fresh start.

Is there somewhere else you would like to live?

"but now he rings the second he is in the car so I have to be on the phone until he gets wherever he is going"

Just stop. Tell him you are busy. Bye.
What if you dont take the call? Will he drive into a wall?
This is crazy.
He doesnt love you he wants to control you.

Get out now.

What's the reaction if you don't answer his call when he's driving?

He sounds really awful. I hope you get out of this situation ASAP.

No doubt he will tell you none will love you like he does...

Please leave for your own sanity.

@monkeymonkey2010

Absolutely.

OP, you are with someone who has waited until he had you isolated to let his mask slip.

You cand spend the next couple of years faffing around trying to figue out what the problem is or you can get the hell out.

He's a freak.
Get away.
Thank God you have neither home, kids, or money tied up with him.

Get the hell out.

@Bluebooby....same message to you, another freak...get the hell out...

Life is too bloody short.

I have screenshots of messages and things I have kept incase I need proof of anything at some point - I do really know it’s controlling and abusive and I often think if this was one of my cases I would be giving all sorts of advice I can’t seem to give or take myself. He just makes me feel like I’m mad sometimes. If I don’t answer the phone he will continue to call or send messages along the lines of ‘answer the fucking phone’ until I do. He’s going to play on his x box this afternoon so I am going to sit and spend some time thinking about a plan of some kind. You have all helped massively, thank you - this morning I got yelled at because I ate breakfast first/alone, I know things have to change after lockdown. I am safe by the way - thank you to those who asked that. He has never laid a finger on me or indeed the house or furniture , my mum is 15 minutes away and lockdown or not if I needed to leave right away then I would. Thank you.

Well done OP.

Make that plan.

It really sounds so awful.

Your life will be better away from him.

Remember passports, photographs of financial papers, payslips, anything that may be of use to you, will be easier to get now.

You could photograph and email the information to someone if that helps.

Make sure your passwords are secure.

I would be dropping important stuff round at my mum’s when he’s at work.

Every time you answer the phone to him you are enabling his nonsense.

Well done OP.

He wants to control your every waking hour. Thats not love. Love is wanting you to shine, to enjoy your life, to get on, have great friends.

He's a selfish controlling prick.

I was going to suggest like @copycopypaste that you insist he sees his GP and gets counseling.

If he was truly never like this before, that’s a really massive change. I’d want to get him help to figure out what’s going on.

But then you wrote that he gets angry at you eating breakfast alone, and texts “answer the fucking phone”.

I think you need to get out ASAP and then perhaps demand he get counseling. It sounds like he’s lost it. You cannot live like that.

I’m glad that you are making plans.

I wasn’t surprised to read that if you don’t answer your phone, he’s angry etc.

Like I said before, I bet he also doesn’t like you going to bed before he does..?

If you have no DC then please leave, ASAP. Don’t tell him, just go. Please also remember, that a women in any walk of life can be in an abusive relationship, so don’t beat yourself up about the fact that you are a SW.

He will become more controlling. If you were to have had a child then even more so. This has nothing to do with his MH.

OP you really don't know that you are safe physically.

According to you, this entire situation has come from nowhere, triggered only by this move.
If your friends or family had said to you 6 months before that, that if you move house with him then he will absolutely start to control who you speak to, call you for an hour at a time every day that he works, insist you aren't to get out of bed before him, must not eat without him, will no longer be allowed to choose the tv channel if he is in the house, what would you have said?
I imagine you wouldn't have believed it at all, why would you?

With no dc and access to your own money, I honestly think you should pack quickly and leave. Just walk out.

Please do read why does he do that- it will ring so many bells. You talk about something having changed, I wonder now you have moved to his family he is on “home territory” and so he’s starting to tighten the rules, in which case it will only get worse. Take care OP

Why Does He Do That

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf#page=2

""this morning I got yelled at because I ate breakfast first/alone, I know things have to change after lockdown. I am safe by the way - thank you to those who asked that. He has never laid a finger on me or indeed the house or furniture""

Totally naive to think he wont lash out physically
If you stop responding to his yelling and swearing he will lash out.

Just leave.
No kids no reason to stay.

No one should live in that kind of environment where eating breakfast creates such a reaction

Things have to change now
Bug he wong change
So you need to act.
Get away
Go to your mum

From a distance you can then suggest gp etc but this is probably who he is.
You have zero reason to put up with this.
Get out.
See a solicitor

And this

Don’t tell him, just go.

@RiverCrossing tbh, you said in your original post his behaviour changed when you moved.

We do commit to in sickness, as well as health, when we marry. I think you need to rule if he is unwell with mental health... I'd describe the behaviours to MIND, as he sounds unhealthy rather than abusive (it still sounds like it might be sensible to leave to give him some space to work things through...)