naming baby without me

[ferj]

I would just like to know how people would feel about their partner naming a newborn and announcing the new name at birth to our entire families without telling you.

When our second child was born, my wife had decided on a name and announced the news of the birth and the name to both our families & friends without my knowledge.

I was suprised by this, and when managed to talk about it and find out why she did that, she said she wanted to get the name first, and have the named she wanted. I was a bit upset from this, our first child was named by her too, she softly asked me for a certain name she loved in the hospital in bed a few days after birth & I didn't have the heart to say no.

The second babies name I honestly hated, but asked to tweak it just slightly so she wouldn't lose face in front of everyone.

I'm curious how others would respond to this.

@ferj you do realise that the posters you are quoting above are all fundamentally making the same points? Were you really interested in hearing (mainly) women’s views on your situation, or are you taking this opportunity to mansplain your position to us all, much as I suspect you do to your wife? Did you hope we’d all agree with you, so you could show it to her and tell her she must be wrong, other women say so?

Again, I’d like to hear her side.

@@sunflowersandtulips50, um, good for you I guess? I trust my husband, we agreed on a name, so I saw no need to 'manage' to get there .. We needed to get a passport sorted for DS very quickly, that's why we did it so quickly. He was registered in Salisbury, Wiltshire. Maybe we were just lucky, but we had no problem getting a quick appointment.

She sounds very controlling, it's just as much your right as hers to name your children.
I'd sy you're going to change them to something you like.
You just don't do this, you agree on a name.

@Hopeisnotastrategy Hi there Hopeisnotastrategy, you do realise that the posters you are quoting above are all fundamentally making the same points? I did feel the overlap but didn't mind answering each. Were you really interested in hearing (mainly) women’s views on your situation very much so, see above, the bit where I admit my errors several times. are you taking this opportunity to mansplain your position to us all, much as I suspect you do to your wife? this doesn't seem very nice, but thank you for the activating response. Did you hope we’d all agree with you, so you could show it to her and tell her she must be wrong, other women say so? not at all, again see the bits above where I clearly admit my errors.

Naming the child without discussing and agreeing it with you first was wrong. How the baby was conceived is irrelevant.

All the women here who have had IVF will obviously be biased about it. It doesn't matter...you wanted the baby and you went through what was required to have a baby. That doesn't give you the right to name the child on your own.

If you want sole decision making power... then be a single parent and you can do it all alone.

It's disrespectful to announce the name like that in front of the family....but as you're a man so many posters will try and justify your wife's actions to the moon and back.

If you had done this, posters would tell your wife to LTB...He's abusive etc.

Even with the pregnancy announcements to your family, if you did that it would be a cardinal sin.

If you want a better balance and more objective views, this is not the place for you as a man.

@SandyY2K

Well done SandyY2K, the man approves. If you play nice he’ll give you five gold stars.

She doesn't sound like much of a partner to me, or like she has much respect for you.

Hopeisnotastrategy

The giving of five gold stars made my teeth itch. Tbh I think this guy loves playing the victim to his horrible wife because he can’t micro manage her and is on here hoping to find a bunch of women willing to slag her off.

And lo and behold ...

Joint parents, so joint decision making in my opinion.

she thinks of you as the sperm donor

I'm sorry OP that your wife has been so selfish. I would be worried that it reflects a relationship with problems....

Where do you go from here?

What did your wife say when you asked her why she did this?

@Spillinteas once the scales fall from your eyes, they all follow the same pattern. 👍🏻

This type of man I mean, certainly not all men.

@Spillinteas ah yes. The voice of impartial advice. Tbh I think this guy loves playing the victim to his horrible wife, hmmmm, interesting that isn't it. The same guy admitting to errors publicly. he can’t micro manage her and is on here hoping to find a bunch of women willing to slag her off Again, look above, I have willingly accepted mistakes. I don't get the hate here. Tell you what, next time my wife is in tears from being told there's a 9% chance of pregnancy I'll take a back seat and stop the "controlling", prize-cowish, test-tubism, oppression..... anything else to throw in?

@TheTiaraManager
There will be no name changing, or mentioning of this, there will only be a deeper reflection that she was dealing with something, and whatever that was it will come out in her own time. I'm tempted to think she was in desperate fear of the "9% chance" & all the pending health risks along the way, overwhelmed by the whole journey, the visits, trips, medication no matter how much she was cared for she felt a rush of elation and acted in pure bliss for what is an utterly beautiful baby. I must not look for the negativity, I must look for the goodness behind the action.

IVF is a red herring, it is a child, that has 2 parents who both want the child and of course the father should be involved in naming this baby.

@Mummyoflittledragon save the diatribe for a poster who asks a question about IVF.

Totally agree with @packetandtripe

Yes, I would be annoyed but I'd also wonder why she did it the way she did. Maybe it's just crazy pregnant lady behaviour? Either way, you're entitled to be upset but try not to be too harsh on her, her hormones will be all over the place for quite some time.

When our second child was born, my wife had decided on a name and announced the news of the birth and the name to both our families & friends without my knowledge.

Were you at the birth? Do you live in the same country / together?
It almost sounds like you're separated in the OP, if you were separated at the birth, I can see why she chose the name and announced.
The only time I can imagine some one doing this is if their partner was so overbearing and controlling that It was the only way.
Its very odd that you never discussed names whilst she was pregnant - despite not knowing the sex of the baby. Why not? Do you actually live together and do you communicate?
End of the day, that is now your child's name and you will grow to love it as it's associated with the child you love.
If not, come up with your own nickname for them that is special just you two.
And don't forget s/he has your surname already so does have your name.

@glitterfarts @RLEOM @twinkledag @packetandtripe
Thank you.

I learnt alot from this. Alot of good has come from this thread, that this situation shows something deeper is at play rather than the naming-thing itself.

We had a big chat. Calm, sensitive, without accusation, heavy on listening. We both learnt some important things about our relationship, about how we communicate, how we express ourselves, our emotional responsibilities - both of us. Alot of good has come from this. She feels very positive about all this and we have a positive path going forward.

Thank you for the positive criticism, it's been really helpful.