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Original poster

naming baby without me

123 replies

ferj · 14/05/2020 20:19

I would just like to know how people would feel about their partner naming a newborn and announcing the new name at birth to our entire families without telling you.

When our second child was born, my wife had decided on a name and announced the news of the birth and the name to both our families & friends without my knowledge.

I was suprised by this, and when managed to talk about it and find out why she did that, she said she wanted to get the name first, and have the named she wanted. I was a bit upset from this, our first child was named by her too, she softly asked me for a certain name she loved in the hospital in bed a few days after birth & I didn't have the heart to say no.

The second babies name I honestly hated, but asked to tweak it just slightly so she wouldn't lose face in front of everyone.

I'm curious how others would respond to this.

OP posts:
Runnerduck34 · 14/05/2020 22:01

Yanbu to feel upset, names should be chosen jointly and you both need to feel happy with the choice and both be respectful of each others opinions.
However you are bigging up your IVF contribution, its great you made all the arrangements etc but physically carrying and giving birth to a baby is in another league.
As previous pp asked, whose surname does baby have? If its yours then maybe its fair she chooses first name but it is hurtful not to discuss it first with you, it doesn't bode well for your relationship, sorry.

Megan2018 · 14/05/2020 22:02

I think you are basically the sperm donor as far as she is concerned.
It’s not much of a marriage by the sound of it.

Original poster
ferj · 14/05/2020 22:04

@Mummyoflittledragon the outlook for IVF success was very, very low. Diet, vitamins was us doing our every bit to make it work, every technology was used and we were extremely lucky against all the odds. She really wanted another, we both did. I wont change it and don't mention it, hence coming here

OP posts:
Original poster
ferj · 14/05/2020 22:06

@Runnerduck34 hi runner, yes you are right, its my surname which she also wants.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 14/05/2020 22:07

I'd be furious and hurt! It shows a complete lack of interest in your feelings and lack of respect to you as the child's father. I would never dream of choosing a name and announcing it without discussing it with DH. It was really important to us that we found names we both loved.

illclapwheniminpressed · 14/05/2020 22:08

How can someone say she did all the work.

Like that's not by choice Hmm

I think someone else said it, your just a sperm donor to her.

Coffeecak3 · 14/05/2020 22:15

It would be the selfish premeditation that would upset me.
My dd was named by dh because he loved the name and whatever else I suggested it always came back to this same name. I chose her middle name and actually I too love her name. It suits her.

LouHotel · 14/05/2020 22:18

Even without the poster mentioning your other thread your controlling nature is seeping out of your posts, maybe she wanted control over something in her life.

One of those threads I would love to read the other side of.

Spillinteas · 14/05/2020 22:20

I don’t know, I’m inclined to think she may have done this to regain some control back. You listed off a long list of things you preserved you did by yourself when actually you didn’t, to me it sounded like you feel she wouldn’t have had the baby if it wasn’t for you.

You have to wonder why she keeps trying to do stuff which out you being there.

Original poster
ferj · 14/05/2020 22:20

@LouHotel may I ask in what way I come across as controlling here?

OP posts:
Original poster
ferj · 14/05/2020 22:22

@Spillinteas I understand you, I mentioned them only to draw a an emotional difference between the shared experience natural conception & the highly involving experience of IVF for both

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 14/05/2020 22:35

I would just like to add that our 2nd was via IVF. I was heavily involved in the IVF process, controlling and administering all medications, controlling the medication schedule, all communications with doctors, all travel, all visits, all payments and all decisions including the very last pre-embryo implant meeting (my wife didn't know what to do). I felt the preciousness of the entire experience made the naming situation a bit more sad....

With all due respect this is the bare minimum you should have done. I have had an IVF baby too - DH did all of that plus taking care of me when I couldn’t walk or even think after an egg collection or when I was so stressed after an embryo transfer I couldn’t eat. Then the inevitable stress of the pregnancy when. He still let me choose the name I wanted because, in his words, I was the one who did the heavy lifting. I think you just need to let this go - ultimately it isn’t a big deal.

Original poster
ferj · 14/05/2020 22:36

@Spillinteas

Just to clarify:

I had meetings without her (not in same country), and formed the medication schedule with the dr based on her medical docs

Medications list I was provided and went to buy myself remotely, freeze, and take with us

Medications she didn't enjoy doing herself, I supported. Not a big thing at all.

Meetings always changed depending on scans and tests

Transfusions, so thats taking my blood for 6 months and giving to her

I had a separate pre-ivf surgery too

OP posts:
GrumpyHoonMain · 14/05/2020 22:39

Again this is the bare minimum a partner needs to do before IVF.

Original poster
ferj · 14/05/2020 22:42

@GrumpyHoonMain yes i totally agree and would do the same again.

OP posts:
Bbang · 14/05/2020 22:45

Why did this become about who did what? It’s irrelevant, you sound very supportive OP but you need to focus less on it too.

The only thing that matters here is that you both made a baby together, you deserve at least the basic respect of a discussion over naming the child. To echo a PP it sounds like you’ve just been a sperm donor for her.

Original poster
ferj · 14/05/2020 22:50

@Bbang I think you are right. I need to drop the IVF support thing.

OP posts:
TheTiaraManager · 14/05/2020 22:51

Did the two of you discuss names? It's so odd she would just announce the bane without you both agreeing!

Shmithecat2 · 14/05/2020 22:54

@sunflowersandtulips50

Windyatthebeachi never understand why woman are not present at the registering of the birth

DS' birth was registered 3 days after he was born. What with 30 stitches giving me a bit of grief, breastfeeding and generally feeling a bit knackered, I didn't really fancy an hour and a half round trip in the car plus time in the register office, so DH went without me 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
ferj · 14/05/2020 22:55

@SomeBunny I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I did briefly talk to her, but only to ask if she understood why she did what she did and that I regret not being involved

OP posts:
Shmithecat2 · 14/05/2020 22:56

OP, I'd have been really upset if I were in your position.

Icecreambaby · 14/05/2020 22:56

It's pretty bad not to have discussed this with you. In a truly equal relationship, both of your opinion matters. Am a bit surprised by comments of pp that because women give birth they can decide on everything around the baby. It's kind of like saying because someone makes money for the household, he or she can determine everything for the house. That's not what someone wants in a relationship. Respect is the basic and you don't seem to have that from your SO.

Original poster
ferj · 14/05/2020 22:57

@TheTiaraManager we did, but there was the general assumption we would agree after birth

OP posts:
Original poster
ferj · 14/05/2020 23:00

@Shmithecat2 ... it's very interesting how opinions can be so different. I never thought I'd have a name of my preference, she went through alot, but at least some involvement or multiple choice options.

OP posts:
sunflowersandtulips50 · 14/05/2020 23:00

Shmithecat2 I had a c section with my last two and still managed to be there to register. Despite severe back issues as they hot my spinal cord and I could not stand straight. You have 6 weeks in England and 3 in scotland so not sure how you managed to register within 3 days. We couldn't get an appointment that quickly.