naming baby without me

[ferj]

I would just like to know how people would feel about their partner naming a newborn and announcing the new name at birth to our entire families without telling you.

When our second child was born, my wife had decided on a name and announced the news of the birth and the name to both our families & friends without my knowledge.

I was suprised by this, and when managed to talk about it and find out why she did that, she said she wanted to get the name first, and have the named she wanted. I was a bit upset from this, our first child was named by her too, she softly asked me for a certain name she loved in the hospital in bed a few days after birth & I didn't have the heart to say no.

The second babies name I honestly hated, but asked to tweak it just slightly so she wouldn't lose face in front of everyone.

I'm curious how others would respond to this.

@Icecreambaby I think you are right.

I'd be absolutely furious.
She chose a name she liked, most of us do and discuss it to announce it to everyone first and not you. That's low.

I think what OP said about his involvement is quite important as it shows he felt he was driving that IVF journey. He said he had surgery too when in fact he had just given blood.

I honestly think she did it to regain some control back of the whole thing.

* * runs off to change username because someone has a very similar one on this thread .

OP your mistake.

Start discussing names after 20 week scan and agree names by 30 weeks.

In regards to the IVF it isn't something you need to bring up as regardless of how the baby us concieved as if both partners are involved the child's name should be chosen jointly.

Who gets the most input depends but generally with my friends the mother gets her way over the first name and the father chooses the middle.

@Spillinteas hi spillinteas I had surgery and gave blood.for.6.months. but as written before I see I need to drop ivf support as being relevant to the preciousness of the whole situation thank you

On one of your other posts you say that your children are 3 and 4. Have you had another child since then?

@BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup yes you are right. I need to drop that. I really will thank you

Oh OP - you and your wife should go to relationship counseling. You going on about IVF and her not telling you your joint child's name first reveals large problems.

Thank you for all the constructive feedback. I have learnt from this and will adapt. Good night :-)

@BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup x

I've had an ivf baby too and I'd have been livid in your shoes! Names is something you discuss together.

My husband did that to me with our first child. A name I had vetoed and he apparently agreed with me. He then asked me to add an extra middle name to our second child's name who I was naming. It turns out it was the name of one of his many other women( and the woman he left me for years later, they lasted three weeks)child who was born around the same time. To this day I don,t know if that child is his too.

That's out of order of her

Spillinteas, I completely agree. The fact the OP thinks giving blood and sperm is anywhere near the same as what a woman goes through is insane.

Sunflower - we registered my son actually the day after he was born at the hospital as they have a visiting registrar to the maternity unit so 3 days is not unusual.

My initial thought too was that you come across as controlling OP. Maybe it was her way of taking back a bit of that control and that is why she announced the pregnancy on her terms too.

My dad was sent to register me with a really unusual made up name. He couldn't face it and chose a normal name and gave me the weird one as my middle name.

My Mam was livid apparently

Haven't RTFT but got up to "I was heavily involved in the IVF process..."

As someone who has been through the absolute torture that is IVF, you really weren't. Even if you did organise all of those things, you cannot understand the physical and mental toll that must have taken on your wife.

That aside, her actions are totally unfair and unjustified and really quite selfish. Quite an odd thing to do, is she actually okay following her pregnancy and traumas? Could this be indicative of something deeper? I know with IVF I felt truly out of control, is this her way of regaining control?

I’ve had ivf. You were not heavily involved in the process. You helped with the organisation and injections

Jesus Christ, not heavily involved - your sperm, your baby, your right to be involved in naming your child as much as it it is hers. She has no respect for you and your attitude is one of a beaten down person.

I agree with 2 or 3 pps who say she's used you for sperm donation.

I get that ivf is horrible and difficult and painful and expensive, but the one thing it is - an ivf baby is a planned baby. Its definitely not a drunken fumble that got out of hand!

Given that BOTH partners went ahead with it, her actions are pretty despicable.

I haven't AS'd the OP, and maybe if I had I'd think differently, but the tone of this thread is the usual MN stance that the man is always wrong and the woman is always right.

That doesn't seem fair in these circumstances, as written on this thread

Naming a baby (as the OP alleges) without agreement is “despicable”?
Is it?
It’s not great. But by the sounds of it, nothing about the relationship is great..
Where’s the “I love her so much, it hurts me etc”? There’s just I didn’t get what I wanted after all the appointments and payment for medicine I did.
Sorry OP if this is de-railing your thread.
Men aren’t always bad.
But it sounds like you really hate being called controlling...
So what conversations did you have with your wife that you love about the baby you love regarding names?

@packetandtripe
Did you even read what spillinteas and others said even the post directly above yours by Springb0cks explains why op was not heavily involved.

@ferj
It’s pretty clear from this thread that those, who has been through ivf can understand your wife’s reaction far more than some others. Continuing to pursue the argument that you did a lot of the heavy lifting got your arse handed to you on that count for and rightly so. There has also been the inevitable cry of oh op is getting a rough deal because he’s a man. I don’t agree. I think that was your attitude and I’m glad you dropped this.

Some of us have voiced that this seems like your wife’s way of taking back control. Despite the fact that you took over her ivf treatment for all the right reasons, can you not see how difficult it must have been for your wife to have no control over her body? She was told what to eat, told where to go and when, poked, prodded, injected, discussed in hospital meetings, which she didn’t attend, had a scanning wand up her chuff countless times, treated like a pin cushion then parts of her body dragged out and bits put back in by force. All that whilst going through the terrible turbulence of the emotional roller coaster that is ivf hormonal treatment.

I find telling her what to eat and feeding her supplements particularly oppressive tbh. I get your reasoning. However, the way you come across makes me think you have perhaps failed to see and understand your wife’s boundaries and that she has the right to bodily autonomy.

As I said I read your other thread, idk if things have settled on that front. But you really both need to start respecting each other’s boundaries. I really do think you both need to be kind to each other and to yourselves. You’ve both been through a terribly traumatic experience. Being a spectator to what your wife has been through will have been hugely stressful. You also have 2 other young children to consider.

I hope you are bonding as a family. I do think your wife would benefit from some therapy to look at what happened and I am pretty sure you could too. Separate counselling perhaps. Now is not the time to be angry with one another.

Of course it was not right of her to choose the name and announce it, that should go without saying, if that’s what happened.

But the thing that really strikes me about your posts is your attitude towards her. It sounds like you treat her like a prize cow or a test tube, not an independent adult. Everything is about what you’ve done and how things have made you feel, it’s really quite strange. I haven’t read your other posts, but at best it sounds like you infantilise and crowd her, and at worst she’s just there to satisfy your reproductive urges, no matter how difficult it is to get there. I’m not picking up on one spark of love for her or the baby throughout your posts, it all sounds very transactional and very, very weird. I have to ask, do you come from a culture or a circle of friends where your masculinity is very much tied up with being able to have children?

As an earlier poster said, I’d love to hear the other side of this story. This thread concerns me.

Wow, I mean you don't just name your child without agreeing with your partner. I think that was incredibly selfish of her and I don't understand that way of thinking in a relationship.

That said, while you say you had surgery and did many things, you did not go through ivf treatment nor were you pregnant or went through childbirth. Honestly man.

@Krazynights34 thank you for your view point.

It’s not great. But by the sounds of it, nothing about the relationship is great.. - Personally I think a relationship which can successfully go through IVF with all the other challenges in life is great. A relationship which seeks to learn, adapt, accept mistakes (as I have here) has qualities. This thread is not about the entirety of the relationship, but isolated key things. Where’s the “I love her so much, it hurts me etc”? There’s just I didn’t get what I wanted after all the appointments and payment for medicine I did. Thank you, very interesting viewpoint, I have mentioned multiple times before your feedback that it is a mistake of mine to think that being as supportive as possible during the process & to lighten as much as possible for her as much as possible might make the naming/conception/pregnancy more special for both than regular natural conception. This was a big mistake which I have admitted to multiple times before your post. But it sounds like you really hate being called controlling... No where did I say this, I asked in what way I appear controlling out of genuine curiosity to try and see what I may not be aware of and learn, controlling is a negative toxic habit which I certainly do not want to do. If you're referring to vocabulary where I controlled the process of IVF, diet, supplements this is highly sensitive in the sense that during build up reviews for treatment we had extremely low chances, during many talks between us, anything we could do, even if a 0.1% chance of success we would both be willing to do, but, I personally wanted to should all of this work given the stress she would go through. This is in no way to equalise the stress between us, only to again realise it was my mistake to assume it would build a stronger emotional connection between us from going through all this.

@Mummyoflittledragon thank you again for your viewpoint. She was told what to eat, told where to go and when, poked, prodded, injected, discussed in hospital meetings, which she didn’t attend, had a scanning wand up her chuff countless times, treated like a pin cushion then parts of her body dragged out and bits put back in by force Yes I see your point, but if you don't mind, there was a genuine sense of appreciation for the ability to even have IVF, to access some of the best technology, to be able to afford it, and despite how I am being protrayed here, it was made to be fun, enjoyable rolled into a mini-vacation at the same time. I find telling her what to eat and feeding her supplements particularly oppressive tbh. I get your reasoning. However, the way you come across makes me think you have perhaps failed to see and understand your wife’s boundaries and that she has the right to bodily autonomy. I did not tell her what to eat, we wanted to maximise the chance of success, there was a deep hope for success & that is why my idea was to do everything we can to succeed. I did not perceive her in the way you have described. I hope you are bonding as a family. thank you, it's nice to hear you say something nice without negative character assumption

@Hopeisnotastrategy thank you for your view point. It sounds like you treat her like a prize cow or a test tube, not an independent adult. - I do not treat her like that at all. We were faced with very low chances of success, but we (she) still hope for it, still hope for chance when nature is sometimes not on our side. I wanted to be as supportive as possible in everywhere I could as written a bit more in detail here. She was not forced or told to do anything at all, we (she) were very open to doing everything we could to maximise our chances of which all of that I prepared to lessen the load on her. Your choice of vocabulary is quite activating I have to ask, do you come from a culture or a circle of friends where your masculinity is very much tied up with being able to have children? I can remember the many times she has been brought to tears in hope of a baby as we talked about it many times sharing hopes and fears, what you ask is wildly inaccurate.

@MamaDane thank you for your view point to help me learn. That said, while you say you had surgery and did many things, you did not go through ivf treatment nor were you pregnant or went through childbirth. Honestly man in no way did I ever describe that my efforts equalise what she went through, only that I thought that being as supportive/resourceful as possible it would gel us together and more positively affect the naming process.