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Original poster

naming baby without me

123 replies

ferj · 14/05/2020 20:19

I would just like to know how people would feel about their partner naming a newborn and announcing the new name at birth to our entire families without telling you.

When our second child was born, my wife had decided on a name and announced the news of the birth and the name to both our families & friends without my knowledge.

I was suprised by this, and when managed to talk about it and find out why she did that, she said she wanted to get the name first, and have the named she wanted. I was a bit upset from this, our first child was named by her too, she softly asked me for a certain name she loved in the hospital in bed a few days after birth & I didn't have the heart to say no.

The second babies name I honestly hated, but asked to tweak it just slightly so she wouldn't lose face in front of everyone.

I'm curious how others would respond to this.

OP posts:
Musmerian · 14/05/2020 21:00

@Spillinteas - that’s a pretty strange attitude. When it comes to decisions about the actual birth then the mother absolutely gets to decide. But everything else should surely be discussed and shared. This is a family and names do matter. I think it’s pretty inexcusable OP.

tara66 · 14/05/2020 21:03

Most people start to discuss names a long time before birth - why didn't you do that?

Original poster
ferj · 14/05/2020 21:05

@MammytoElla it's heartwarming to know of your naming story

OP posts:
Krazynights34 · 14/05/2020 21:05

The IVF participation aside (because it’s horrendous for a woman and the things you did were ... essentially admin things in comparison to what she had to endure ... I’ve been there and it’s NOT the same to go to doctors, put things in fridges etc as it is to have the injections, embryo transfers etc) it isn’t fair to name a baby without your involvement.
Sounds like there are other issues at play.
I’m finding it hard to believe this is the biggest thing between you two. Are you feeling neglected because of the children (not that I’d feel overly sympathetic for that reason but I get it that men do experience this)?

Neighneigh · 14/05/2020 21:07

It's extraordinarily unfair to say any partner isn't heavily involved in ivf process, so that bollocks pp can be forgotten as utter tripe.

Moving on, in terms of naming a baby without your partner - yes that's cruel, and frankly a bit odd. For what it's worth I thought we were calling ds2 one name, but it wasnt decided and we are v much "meet them and see" types, but we did have one name in mind. Choice 1 is now ds's middle name and dh did tell people his first name before I felt 100% sure of it - I was at 95% - but we had at least discussed it and he felt it was decided on....It did upset me a little. Perhaps I'm influenced by the fact I am known by my middle name, not my official first name, so it's not the end of the world to me. But ours is not as extreme as what your wife has done. I would be majorly pissed off and would explain how upset it has made you, and reiterate that this is your child too.

WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo · 14/05/2020 21:08

She sounds deliberately spiteful :/

SomeBunny · 14/05/2020 21:08

I think she behaved very badly. Naming a child should absolutely be a joint decision, especially when you’re talking about a presumably loving, healthy relationship. Yes hormones during pregnancy and delivery can be absolutely overwhelming. I had a nightmare of a delivery, and EMCS, and an accident during pregnancy that could have killed me and my baby. It never would have occurred to me to unilaterally decide on a name (we hadn’t agreed one ahead of time either).

Have you talked to her about how you’re feeling, beyond her explaining that she just wanted the name she had chosen?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/05/2020 21:10

I’d be fuming- both parents have to like the name.

RyanBergarasTeeth · 14/05/2020 21:11

I would be mad too. Dps ex did the same named the baby and didnt tell him until after and text him a few days after the child was born. Dp and ex are from different countries and she named dsd a name from her culture thats not very pronouncable here in the uk. Has she agreed to tweaking the name?

HarderToBreath · 14/05/2020 21:21

She said she wanted the name she wanted, and, did it because she wanted the name she wanted

Wow! it sounds like she will be raising them the way she wants and you will just have to lump it. Is she always used to getting things her own way?

As someone who has been through IVF -7 times-I still think it should be a joint decision.

Soontobe60 · 14/05/2020 21:23

I can't even imagine not choosing the names of my children with their father! It's almost like your wife has dismissed you now as you've done your bit with the IVF. I'd be absolutely livid.

Sickandscared · 14/05/2020 21:23

I am baffled by the replies here. The child was born to both parents. How dare she name the child without your consent? Why are people suggesting she should have discussed it with you? You both have to love the name, it should be your choice as much as hers.

Spillinteas · 14/05/2020 21:23

Ferj you could add changed her car wheels and packed her suitcase but in reality you were a bystander or at best the support act.

All those acts you did is what millions of other men do to support their wife through their pregnancy. Please don’t buy in the ‘we were both pregnant’ you definitely wasn’t - she was.

I went through IVF three times. I know the amount men are involved in IVF and it’s nothing compared to what we women go through.

Unless the babies name is on the birth certificate you can still change it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2020 21:23

I’ve had ivf. You were not heavily involved in the process. You helped with the organisation and injections.

By the sound of it, the experience was very harrowing and overwhelming for her. I sorted all of that out for myself, self injecting, appointments etc although I was not working and I note she also has your elder dc to consider when i was childless at the time.

It was wrong to go ahead without you. However if your dcs have your surname, perhaps she feels she has more entitlement to the first name.

It sounds as if her head is all over the place tbh. I don’t think she is being spiteful. I would wonder if emotionally she is on the edge.

Will she discuss tweaking the name?

Spillinteas · 14/05/2020 21:34

Hi spillineteas, I had initial meetings with the dr to confirm the medication protocols ahead of time - she would have been there too or are you saying you had separate meetings with your ivf doctor with out your wife being present?

purchased all the medication and froze it ahead of time - you would have both been told what needed paying for.

administered all the medications just jabs and pull popping. DH offered to do mine but I think he would have enjoyed it too much..

planned all the dates all the meetings & ensure we understood everything - so you got told of your appointment dates and scheduled them in and as above you both would have been there listening.

What surgery did you have for IVF because a blood transfusion for her isn’t a surgery for you.

I think it’s weird that you feel you did the IVF when honestly you didn’t

MostlyHappyMummy · 14/05/2020 21:40

Whose surname do the children have?
Bad form to spring the name on you though, can understand why you're upset

Original poster
ferj · 14/05/2020 21:49

@Spillinteas I'm sorry if I offended. Not at all I don't feel i did IVF at all.

OP posts:
Elieza · 14/05/2020 21:53

She wanted why she wanted and didn’t care why you wanted.
That’s selfish.

Yes she went through the mill with the ivf etc but the whole point of a baby is about love. It’s not right to announce a pregnancy or baby’s name without you the father being involved.
I’m presuming she named the baby Charles or something and you’ve tweaked it to Charlie, say.

Sure she loves you? Is she just using you for a lifestyle? I’ve not read your other posts so I don’t know what else has gone on but she doesn’t seem to have as much respect for you as she should. It’s like you’re secondary to her and her wishes. That’s not loving. I couldn’t be doing with that.

Original poster
ferj · 14/05/2020 21:54

@Mummyoflittledragon hi dear, we all share my surname which she prefers. She doesn't want to change since she will lose face in front of entire family and friends - i didn't ask her too

OP posts:
RyanBergarasTeeth · 14/05/2020 21:55

Is there a compromise that you can pick the middle name now or the baby is known by a joint name and the name she picked is the middle name?

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2020 21:57

I’ve read your thread you posted about her just over a year ago. What I do not understand is why no one picked up at the time how you decided to control her diet and her intake of vitamins.

From what you have written, you both seem to have a lot of issues. You sound very controlling and obsessive around what she was allowed to eat, and the supplement regime she needed to follow.

Do you realise what you are painting is a man, who controlled mosf aspects of your wife’s life.

I am beginning to wonder who was the driving force to have a third child.

IKEA888 · 14/05/2020 21:57

I don't think the IVF come into this.
The point is she doesn't appear to care enough about you to realise it is a joint decision.... always

Original poster
ferj · 14/05/2020 21:58

@Elieza you are right on the concept of the name change. Your viewpoint is heartwarming

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 14/05/2020 21:58

Cross post. So you’re going to live with the name. Hopefully it will grow with you. I do think you need to sort your relationship out though for the sake of your 3 dcs.

hadtojoin · 14/05/2020 22:01

It doesn't matter HOW the baby was concieved or to what extent either was involved.
The main point is the naming of the child without consultation. I think was wrong to tell everyone before discussing it with you, even if you ended up with the same name in the end.
A friend of mine had an agreement that she would name a girl and he would name a boy. He registered their son without consulting her as (like) Olympus which she hated. He did the same with their 2nd son although she did have some imput to change (like) Roderick to Frederick. They are now divorced and she is stuck with Olly and Fred.