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Original poster

Don’t enjoy sex with DP

84 replies

mecabag · 13/05/2020 13:56

We’ve been together almost 3 years and have a 9 month old DS.

*Sorry if TMI

I’ve never fully enjoyed sex with DP always found it lacks passion, find it hard to climax with him, he doesn’t do foreplay (even though I’ve told him many times that this is what I like), feel awkward at times being intimate with him as in no flow, sometimes I just lay there wanting it to be over, I suppose I find him attractive but not sexually attractive.

I think I probably have more sexual experience than him but me leading things and trying to make it better / more exciting doesn’t work for me because sex to me is all about passion and no matter what I do
I can’t make him passionate when he isn’t. It’s nothing to do with my hormones because I felt like this before DS and I still have a sex drive but then don’t enjoy it. He’s such a good man, and an amazing dad I’m very very lucky to have him but I’m only 31 I can’t go the rest of my life not enjoying sex! What do I do?

OP posts:
Geppili · 13/05/2020 14:11

Was it ever good?

MarieQueenofScots · 13/05/2020 14:12

Would he consider some form of relationship/sex counselling?

Does he climax every time?

Original poster
mecabag · 13/05/2020 14:16

@Geppili I’ve always felt this way.

@MarieQueenofScots He’s does, usually very quickly but 9 times out of 10 I don’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
mecabag · 13/05/2020 14:17

I can’t ask him to do any sex therapy because to him there isn’t a problem, it’s me who has the problem with him. I could never damage his ego like that.

OP posts:
MarieQueenofScots · 13/05/2020 14:20

I can’t ask him to do any sex therapy because to him there isn’t a problem, it’s me who has the problem with him. I could never damage his ego like that

Of course he has a problem - certainly one with communication. If he climaxes every time and you're not climaxing 90% of the time there's certainly a problem with inompatability.

You can ask him to attend counselling to work on how you improve things together.

Geppili · 13/05/2020 14:20

Can you come easily on your own? Do you masturbate together? Perhaps he is really shy and repressed? I think it is crucial that you and he can bring each other off by hand.

Geppili · 13/05/2020 14:21

Also have you ever had passionate lovemaking before him?

BackseatCookers · 13/05/2020 14:22

I just can't imagine wanting to have sex with someone who didn't really enjoy it and felt that they were just a sort of masturbation aid. Maybe he doesn't realise that's how you feel? Surely if you said you don't feel connected or equal in the pleasure stakes then he would want to change that? Don't write off talking to him about it. His ego doesn't trump your happiness and self esteem.

Menora · 13/05/2020 14:24

This seems to be on here a lot, it is really hard. You knew he wasn’t very compatible in bed all along and now 3 years later you don’t like having sex with him - it isn’t a good indication of a strong relationship that you can’t address it so I think you need to be really honest with him. Even if it’s not what he wants to really hear, you can be kind about it and say it’s not meeting your needs. But you can’t expect him to change really, this is who he is and who he wants to be! In an ideal world he would be a loving giving partner. But he isn’t that person

Hidingtonothing · 13/05/2020 14:25

I could never damage his ego like that.

So have you actually told him there's a problem OP?

ConcentricCircles · 13/05/2020 14:26

How can you have sex with him when you feel unable to have a discussion about sex with him?

This is not about his ego, it is about difficulties within the sexual part of your relationship.

I can’t make him passionate when he isn’t ....maybe it isn't that he's not passionate, but rather that he hasn't been educated by life in how to demonstrate emotion in this way.

Talk to him, and keep talking to him. If in the end he doesn't respond I would be tempted to tell him that I'd rather not ever have sex with him again, than to just continue to lay there wanting it to be over.

You both deserve better from each other.

ravenmum · 13/05/2020 14:26

So you're not doing sex therapy because you don't want to hurt his feelings by suggesting he might have a problem, and he's not doing therapy because he says you are the one who has a problem?

I am guessing your son was a (lovely) surprise? Would you still be with him otherwise?

Geppili · 13/05/2020 14:43

Has he got PE? Really feel for you Op. You gotta talk to him and start mutual masturbating together!

Dozer · 13/05/2020 14:46

So essentially he’s bad in bed, and has made it clear that he doesn’t regard this as his responsibility to address, or care about your pleasure.

Would call it a day and seek to co-parent amicably.

Original poster
mecabag · 13/05/2020 14:50

He wants to please me, it’s not that he doesn’t try it just lacks passion. Like it’s acted out rather than it being a genuine connection.

I don’t see how sex therapy is going to change anything I personally think that idea is ridiculous. Sex shouldn’t have to be something that’s forced through a therapist it should come naturally.

I always had amazing sex with ex partners. He is different to other men I’ve been with no one has ever treated so amazing so that’s why I thought this was something I could get passed but I’m missing real intimacy and passion so much.

I know people are telling me to tell him but I’ve done this is subtle ways by telling him what I like, what turns me on, what I don’t like and it just goes to back to same routine. I’m not going to say I don’t enjoy sex with you we need to find a sex therapist, that would destroy anyone’s confidence.

OP posts:
Sickandscared · 13/05/2020 14:51

It was like this with my DP at first. Not anymore or frankly we wouldn't be together. It was not his fault, he had less experience than me and I think his marriage had little sex full stop.

You must not back down. He needs to be aware that if there is a problem for you it's not alright. Sex isn't just about him climaxing it's about mutual enjoyment.

You need to talk to him outside of bed and tell him you want to try new things. You need to build intimacy properly. Suggest that you don't have intercourse but get to know each other physically for a few weeks.

If he won't make the effort then I would take a long look at the relationship. You're not there to service his needs, you are half the people in the relationship.

Carouselfish · 13/05/2020 14:54

I'm similar OP. I'm just not that attracted. But, I've had plenty of relationships where we both had major passion and that relationship was bad for me - when I AM very attracted I'm always on the back foot and the types I find attractive are rarely a good match. Something to do with finding people who I look up to sexy rather than men on equal footing or men who give me the power. I've traded the passion for someone who is really nice and a nice dad.

ravenmum · 13/05/2020 14:58

Why does he need to be told - have you been acting like you're enjoying it?

BackseatCookers · 13/05/2020 14:58

Well people have tried to offer constructive advice OP and you've said their ideas are ridiculous and you're "not going to say I don't enjoy sex" so you don't really sound in the headspace you do something positive about this.

Can you have a genuinely happy relationship without sex you enjoy? That's the most important thing question. Some people could and that's ok. Some people couldn't and that's ok too.

You are so clearly dismissing any suggestions made that I think your question isn't really "what do I do?" it's actually "can our relationship survive with sex I don't enjoy".

Only you can answer that really - if it doesn't change do you feel you could be happy long term or not?

MarieQueenofScots · 13/05/2020 14:59

I don’t see how sex therapy is going to change anything I personally think that idea is ridiculous. Sex shouldn’t have to be something that’s forced through a therapist it should come naturally

Whereas posting on an Internet forum is totally natural Wink

Who actually said you had to tell him I’m not going to say I don’t enjoy sex with you we need to find a sex therapist. I think that’s your subconscious talking.

Biscuit0110 · 13/05/2020 15:01

If you love him deeply and he is wonderful in all other ways, then is it a deal breaker? Only you can really answer.

It is not about being compatible, I sense that he may not be that into bringing others pleasure, he has probably always been that way.

I agree that counselling sexually may not help if he is not essentially sensual. Maybe stop having sex and try to find some intimacy outside of sex for now, and see if it becomes more pleasurable for you that way?

Many women feel the same as you op. Your sex drive will decrease in time naturally, and you won't be in your 30s forever. I am not sure I would end a relationship over this is, if it is perfectly good in other ways. Sex is only one dimension of your life together.

Biscuit0110 · 13/05/2020 15:03

Oral sex is probably the only way to climax quickly and easily, does he do that?

BertiesLanding · 13/05/2020 15:03

I couldn't and wouldn't live like this, OP.

Bumsnet1 · 13/05/2020 15:13

Have you tried taking control of sex, with you being in the lead? Maybe you should seek counselling? Were your previous partners the 'bad boy' types? I ask because you mentioned that DP treats you amazingly and no one else has.

NoMoreDickheads · 13/05/2020 15:14

I can’t ask him to do any sex therapy because to him there isn’t a problem, it’s me who has the problem with him

If he's not satisfying his wife due to deliberately not being arsed with any foreplay, and premature ejaculation then of course that's a problem and he should see it as one. If you suggest counselling/therapy then it might mean he realizes the extent of it.

But with my ex a friend said maybe we could try sex therapy, but I said I didn't want it as I didn't want sex with him/was turned off him. Maybe it's got to that stage with you. It would be completely understandable.