Don’t enjoy sex with DP

[mecabag]

We’ve been together almost 3 years and have a 9 month old DS.

*Sorry if TMI

I’ve never fully enjoyed sex with DP always found it lacks passion, find it hard to climax with him, he doesn’t do foreplay (even though I’ve told him many times that this is what I like), feel awkward at times being intimate with him as in no flow, sometimes I just lay there wanting it to be over, I suppose I find him attractive but not sexually attractive.

I think I probably have more sexual experience than him but me leading things and trying to make it better / more exciting doesn’t work for me because sex to me is all about passion and no matter what I do
I can’t make him passionate when he isn’t. It’s nothing to do with my hormones because I felt like this before DS and I still have a sex drive but then don’t enjoy it. He’s such a good man, and an amazing dad I’m very very lucky to have him but I’m only 31 I can’t go the rest of my life not enjoying sex! What do I do?

OP - 100% agree with you and same here. You point out what you like and want and even if they do remember, it's half hearted and loaded with 'elephant in the room' as you just know and sense they're not doing it naturally or out of desire, but more to tick a box.

On a different thread some time ago, a poster used the words 'longing and urgent' and they really resonated with me. Mainly because they hit the nail on the head of what was missing in our sex life. It has never been longing or urgent on her part. Never can't wait to rip your clothes off. Never can't wait until we get home. Never 'shall we go upstairs' with a glint in the eye. Just an awkward, mechanical, going through the motions, paint by numbers process.

@OnlyToWin

We tried that some time again, I think it's called sensate therapy.

It didn't work for us, I just found it boring and so what. There was no build up of pressure or desire, even after a full month. When we finally had full sex again, there was no huge release of passion, just back to same old.

I honestly think some people just can't do passion.

@mecabag and @PrawnSacrifice ... have in their own way nailed it .
Many on here have been very kind with their time to respond and making suggestions but they are largely speaking practical and mechanical options / advice .

I think what in essence what OP and @prawnsacrifice are both saying is that the “ blazing from a single spark “ feeling, ambience , hanging in the sexual tension air is simply not there ...if you’ve had that in the past it’s difficult to be content with less and feel very unfulfilled.

It doesn’t feel so lacking at the start of a relationship as it’s new and while you know it’s “not there “ it doesn’t feel like a deal breaker .. trade offs are done mentally with the best of heart and good intentions ... as time goes on this lacking starts to become the current challenge that OP has .

OP I get it ... I really do ...
your options are settle for what you have with sometimes things being a little better ...sometimes a little worse but what you have now that’s your baseline in all honesty.

You may find all that satisfies you in another man / relationship ( and I truly envy those that do ) or you may make different compromises again if you do meet someone else .
It’s a tricky business all told ...

I wish you well ... it really is a tough situation to think through and either take action or make peace with .

I was in a relationship with a man who I only had to think of and I was very hot and bothered 🙄
It was fantastic .. regretfully the trade off re other behaviours was not one I was willing to make ...

I was you 7 years ago, 5 year relationship, Happy in so many ways, however it started to bother me that much that I ended up leaving. Hw was an amazing guy and to be honest when I realised what I'd thrown away I bitterly regretted it for years, but now I'm with someone who I have that sexual connection with and I 100% know I did the right thing.

Do you think it's more a psychological thing? It's not exciting because he's your husband and it's all a bit sensible and over familiar whereas boyfriends/ casual sex partners before may have been more unpredictable/ naughty/ dangerous and a lot of women find that exciting and sexy. Those kinds of rushes are not sustainable really in long term relationships and not really based on anything worthwhile.

@babbi. Spot on. Especially the bit about the beginning and also trading once sacrifice for another.

Daisy- it doesn't sound like that to me, as she describes his technique (lack of foreplay and coming too fast) and it genuinely sounds crap.

@daisydaisydoodle Fair point and there will be some mileage in that, but from my own experience, great sex with mutual desire, passion and enjoyment need not end when familiarity sets in.

I was still having on reflection, spectacular sex with my first LTR even after 6 years. "Longing and urgent" and never based on mental load or chore split. Always based on strong baseline desire. Even when the relationship was not in a great place in other areas, the sex was always amazing - passion, fire, spark adventure, fun, daring, experimental....

I've read great reviews about the OMGYes website. Why don't you spend a bit of money on that and go through all the sessions? I have a great sex life with my DH and realise I could learn from the website.