Don’t enjoy sex with DP

[mecabag]

We’ve been together almost 3 years and have a 9 month old DS.

*Sorry if TMI

I’ve never fully enjoyed sex with DP always found it lacks passion, find it hard to climax with him, he doesn’t do foreplay (even though I’ve told him many times that this is what I like), feel awkward at times being intimate with him as in no flow, sometimes I just lay there wanting it to be over, I suppose I find him attractive but not sexually attractive.

I think I probably have more sexual experience than him but me leading things and trying to make it better / more exciting doesn’t work for me because sex to me is all about passion and no matter what I do
I can’t make him passionate when he isn’t. It’s nothing to do with my hormones because I felt like this before DS and I still have a sex drive but then don’t enjoy it. He’s such a good man, and an amazing dad I’m very very lucky to have him but I’m only 31 I can’t go the rest of my life not enjoying sex! What do I do?

I’ve done this is subtle ways by telling him what I like, what turns me on, what I don’t like and it just goes to back to same routine

There’s the problem. Don’t be subtle.

You are going to have to start being demanding op, you never know he might actually enjoy it.

So there's never any foreplay? How on earth has he found any woman willing to stick around?

I’m not going to say I don’t enjoy sex with you we need to find a sex therapist, that would destroy anyone’s confidence.

Okay. Then you've decided to ultimately split up rather than have a difficult and painful conversation. Your choice.

Sex wasn’t that amazing with my DP at first... he’s slept with more people than I have but I can imagine they were quite boring encounters because he didn’t have much experience and hadn’t really tried anything. We would have sex and he would never get me off, and I can’t climax from penetrative sex. So I spoke to him about it and was honest and he was fine with it, I’m sure he felt a little put out but it was important to me as I’d had a sexless relationship before him. The next time we had sex I guided his fingers to show him what I like so that he wasn’t put out not knowing what to do. I also suggested trying more things and telling him what I like during sex and asking him to do it. Eventually it just became second nature. We’ve now even used sex toys and watched porn together, and have done mutual masturbation at times instead of having sex. The only thing we don’t really do is oral but that’s because neither of us can really be bothered and it’s not something that gets me off. I’m sure he’d like a BJ more often but I’m just lazy. We have great sex either way and now we both get off every time.

Oh and we do a lot of butt stuff which spices it up 😂

You need to have a completely frank, clear, honest talk with him outside the bedroom, OP. From what you have written it seems very clear that he is inexperienced, he has no idea there is a problem or that you are unhappy. He doesn’t know what you want or how to fix it or how to make you happy.

Men are not mind readers. Many of them are oblivious to hints and subtlety. If you want things to change you need to talk to him.

Good luck.

Have you got any - ahem- toys? Once my dh realised I was happy to experiment he also stepped out of his comfort zone.
Maybe your dp is a bit ignorant (about sex /women /The Fanjo) and doesn't want to admit it - he needs to shape up or ship out. Possibly 50 years of shit sex? No way.
Lasting a short length of time =you get your satisfaction first imo. YOU can make that happen and he may join in. Subtlety may be the key if brute 'you are shite' isn't working..
Unless Ltb is what you feel is best.

I hate to say it, but your DP doesn't have the problem, you do. It my be his 'fault', but it's your problem.

Therapy would be a wise route, but there's no need to tell him that's his issue, make it your's.

"Darling dear, I need help, I'll feel a lot more comfortable if you come with me and support me through this."

That way you get him in the room without ever questioning his ability. If the therapist/counsellor is any good they'll take it from there.

i would looking to heat things up with a dildo and use that, he can watch or use it on you, you climax first then him and hopefully it will reconnect you.

He will do foreplay if I ask him to it’s not that he refuses to do it it’s just that it’s never done off his own back or how I like it. And when he does it I will tell him/ show him how I enjoy it and it just turns into a lesson rather than it being enjoyable, then next time it’s back to telling him again rather than him knowing. I prefer to just please myself most of the time.

It’s always over fairly quickly then he will use his hands so I can climax after (sorry I know this is all really tmi) as I prefer that to sex with him. But sometimes I’m just so turned off by the time he’s finished I don’t even bother trying to climax.

I’m not disregarding anyone’s suggestions I appreciate the advice but I want passion and a sex therapist isn’t going to teach him how to be passionate. To me the whole idea of a therapist is the opposite of passion.

I’m not going to leave him, I can please myself. But I do feel very sad that this is my life now because I just don’t see how it’s going to improve. I think we’re either sexually compatible with someone or not and it was something I thought I was ok with because of his other qualities but I guess it’s just getting to me now.

So if you were us, how would you respond? What comments or advice would you give?

I want passion
Does he know that’s what you want? Or what you mean by ‘passion’?

I just don’t see how it’s going to improve
Me neither, unless & until you take control of the situation and talk to him properly about why you’re unhappy and what needs to change.

I think he is lazy, it is easy to get his rocks off quickly and leave you to it. It sounds selfish and like he can't be bothered. It should bother him, he must know you are not climaxing and yet he does not care.
It is a very old fashioned idea that sex is for men only, pleasure is for men only and you are just there to facilitate.

You repeated about tmi. It really isn't. I get the feeling that maybe you are quite repressed about communicating about sex, even on an anonymous forum. Do you think this could be contributing? The most important sex organ is the mind, after all.

Ladies come first in our house. Your dp is basically crap in bed, but worse, he doesm't seem to care. He is doing the bare minimum for you so he can get to the good stuff, for him. Surely almost all sexual encounters begin with foreplay?

I don't understand why you stayed long enough to have a child with him... The whole situation isn't fair on all 3 of you

If you want spontaneous passion only, if that is the only thing that will make you happy, then posting on the internet won't help in any way. Your only solution would be dumping him.

If you dont want to dump him, you options are:
-try therapy
-be miserable for the rest of your life

I recommend trying therapy, by yourself if you like. Doesn't have to be sex therapy, just talk to someone and work out your options.

My partner just couldn't finish if he didn't think I had enjoyed it. He makes sure I have cum, then he will.

Your partner us lazy

Agree with pp that your idea of TMI is a bit strange!! Are you sure you don't have hangups of your own? Again, therapy will probably help. Even if it doesn't, there's not much else you can do but try, is there?

This isn't about being repressed of shy. You have shown him what to do, and he can't be arsed to do it.

That is not how you treat someone you love. Which is probably why he isn't more passionate.

He's selfish and lazy, so you need to make it more beneficial for him to please you. Stop having sex when you aren't turned on.

If he couldn't work the remote control, and the TV wouldn't come on, then he'd become much more interested in how a remote controller works. Same with sex.

Tmi in our house was the night my quite reserved dh assembled a rope filled den in our dining room...

No more info given to protect the shy...

Well he knows what you like because you have told him and showed him but then he can't be bothered to do it next time. What a weird man. He is not at all concerned about your pleasure. I wouldn't accept this op, especially as he knows how to please you, you haven't kept quiet. And no wonder you are turned off with having sex with a man who doesn't give a fig about your pleasure. Are you sure he cares about you?

You've told him more than once what you like and he still has to be reminded or taught, doesn't sound like he cares about your pleasure

Excellent sex is about communication and really understanding each other, getting inside each other's heads and driving each other crazy. I'd suggest you have a communication problem. He's not hearing what you need to climax and/or is not acting on it. And it seems you don't feel comfortable having a frank conversation. Counselling isn't about getting someone to be better at sex, it's about helping you communicate openly with each other. Another option is tantric sex lessons, if you need a different way to open dialogue with him, could you suggest this instead? It's up to you OP, be brave enough to broach the subject, put up with it forever, or split. If he's worth it in every other respect, I'd say he was worth the effort in trying to improve that aspect of your relationship. Do you communicate well in other parts of your life or is sex the only problem?