Don’t enjoy sex with DP

[mecabag]

We’ve been together almost 3 years and have a 9 month old DS.

*Sorry if TMI

I’ve never fully enjoyed sex with DP always found it lacks passion, find it hard to climax with him, he doesn’t do foreplay (even though I’ve told him many times that this is what I like), feel awkward at times being intimate with him as in no flow, sometimes I just lay there wanting it to be over, I suppose I find him attractive but not sexually attractive.

I think I probably have more sexual experience than him but me leading things and trying to make it better / more exciting doesn’t work for me because sex to me is all about passion and no matter what I do
I can’t make him passionate when he isn’t. It’s nothing to do with my hormones because I felt like this before DS and I still have a sex drive but then don’t enjoy it. He’s such a good man, and an amazing dad I’m very very lucky to have him but I’m only 31 I can’t go the rest of my life not enjoying sex! What do I do?

And it's not a case of either one of you having a problem, there's a problem that both of you have to face together. No blame, just understanding where the issue lies and working to fix it.

He sounds like my ex husband. I'd gently 'teach' him over and over what I liked. He'd do it once or twice then revert to what he wanted to do - which was basically just have his own orgasm.

One night I was so disengaged, I was thinking about going shopping the next day and said, "I think we need onions." Totally forgetting where I was and what was happening it was so bad.

We ended up having sex once a yer, in January, because that's when I'd realise we hadn't done it since the previous January. It was boring, tedious and I had no interest in him.

There was a lot else wrong with our relationship, though, he had no interest in me at all, and I suspect he never actually liked me.

OP, I'm not sure what you mean by passionate either. Does he?
Do you mean you want him to be dominant and instructing or ravish you? Is there something particular you want him to do? Have you seen any images or porn that could show him what you want?

I’m far from repressed I’ve had a very fun, passionate, eventful sex life in the past with ex’s and even worked as an exotic dancer for a few years when I was at uni. I just wasn’t sure how much strangers on the internet wanted to hear about my sex life and fingers in holes.

We don’t have sex often anymore because I just don’t see the point when I’m not finding pleasure in it. I knew all of this to begin with so I know it’s my own fault I just had the idea that ‘you can’t find everything you want in one man’ so it’s worth the trade off.

When I say passion I suppose I just mean that sexual connection, getting lost in the moment, deep intimate, sweaty, legs shaking, orgasmic sex. That’s what does it for me the most I’m not really into anything to adventurous just love passion.

The sexual connection I had with my ex before him was so intense, we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, would have sex for hours and it feel like 15 minutes, in all sorts of places, his touch would drive me bloody crazy and just the thought of him turned me on even now just thinking about it!

I think the lack of sexual attraction is probably the biggest issue because without that I’m not finding anything he does a turn on. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I think I will look into talking to a therapist myself, so I can make sense of some of the things I’m feeling.

I don't understand why would you have a relationship AND a baby with a man you don't find sexually attractive.

“ he doesn’t do foreplay (even though I’ve told him many times that this is what I like)“

That and the premature ejaculation goes well, well beyond not being “passionate”. He’s crap in bed and clearly not minded to seek to improve. Suggests lack of concern for you.

I think your idea of talking to a therapist by yourself is a good one, because it seems like it's a bit more than just wrong technique.

OP, I could've have written your post word for word about my DW so I can totally relate to how you feel.

Even when they 'try', because it's not natural or passionate, and feels wooden and mechanical, it just doesn't hit the spot on an emotional level.

You need them to want to for their benefit, pleasure and excitement, not just to please you - there's a world of difference, as much as the sentiment is appreciated.

@PrawnSacrifice I hope you don't mind me asking.....but do you stay with your husband/partner because if the fact he's really good in other areas?
I'm in exactly the same position (no pun intended). I really fancy my partner, but he's no interest in sex and his kissing just doesn't turn me on.
But and this is the main thing for me......he's amazing in every other way......and I fancy him x

@fuuuuuk

To answer a question you didn't ask first (but I see asked earlier in the thread) why do people in our position get married to our partners if things aren't great...

For me I was basing my assessment of the situation on lack of experience and confidence, which I wrongly assumed would improve over the years as we grew together as a couple. Obviously it didn't. I also felt that perhaps my own focus on sex was misplaced in the grand scheme of things and that it'd not be an issue long term. It has been.
Then there is the clarity of 20/20 hindsight, coupled with the fact that your perspectvie on yourself, relationships and the wider world is very different in your 20s than it is in your 40s etc. it;s easy to be wise after the event. Then there's the concept that you could spend forever trying to find that perfect person that ticks every box, but if you find them, they might also be on the same quest and you might not tick all their boxes, so you accept that perfect doesn't exist and some compromise will be necessary. Again, based on naivety of youth.

To answer your main question - despite all the 'LTB' (easy as that) style advice often given, it's never that simple. There are usually multiple factors to consider.

Rest of the relationship
Level of love
Children and their needs
Financial position
Etc, etc.

In my case, I love my DW very much, likewise my children, our family life and shared hopes and dreams. To give up all that, walk away, break those hearts, cause all that upset, hurt and pain to people I love so dearly in the hope of maybe finding someone who can offer all that AND the sex life I look for is not a path I want to explore. To be clear, my DW doesn't see a problem, is perfectly happy and everything else is fine, so there's no impact on the kids etc. It's just me and my unfulfilled sex life.

If sex wasn't so important to me, I'd just dismiss it under 'oh well', but I struggle to do that, but am not prepared to leave my family in pursuit of the end of the rainbow. That doesn't make the problem go away however.

For the record, we do have regular, sex, it's just that it's not very good at all, for most of the reasons described by the OP. It's like being starving hungry and being fed food you don't enjoy - it keeps you alive, but you once enjoyed delicious food that made your mouth water....

And yet you stayed and formed a relationship with him and had children. Why why why why why why.

And it's not a case of either one of you having a problem, there's a problem that both of you have to face together. No blame

@TeeBee Yes, there is blame, he's crap.

OP- I get what you mean by lack of passion- he's just going through the motions rather than it seeming as a result of being wildly attracted to each other.

That he has to be told makes his actions that follow then seem even more mechanical.

Add to this that he's crap and comes too soon, and it's not a good combination

Being bad in bed/premature can also make a man seem less attractive.

Hes shit in bed.... Move on. Or you will end up cheating anyway. 🤗 How old is this man... He dosnt do foreplay? Is he like 18???

Is he really crap though? Ops last post is making it sound like it wouldn't matter what her husband does she just isn't sexually attracted to him and never has been.

I think the lack of sexual attraction is probably the biggest issue because without that I’m not finding anything he does a turn on.

Notice the difference in how she talks about her ex boyfriend.

This feels really sad for both of you.
What I have interpreted it that you want passion from him but you don’t feel passionate about him. Do you feel you are passionate with him and it is not reciprocated or that you aren’t passionate with him because you don’t find him attractive?

@PrawnSacrifice So sorry you also have the same issue. It’s a horrible feeling when you feel a part of you can’t be expressed or enjoyed. That’s exactly what I was trying to articulate about the emotional connection during sex. If it just isn’t there and nothing can improve that.

I stayed because every other aspect of our relationship is great and I honestly thought this would either be something I would get over or something that would improve in time. I also don’t have a majorly high sex drive (just normal) so I didn’t really consider sex a deal breaker.

@Jeeperscreepers69 I would never cheat I know that for a fact but I do sometimes worry how I would feel if I somehow met someone who sparked that excitement in me again. I sometimes wonder if I should consider leaving but at the same time I think it would be hard to find someone with so many amazing qualities and I wouldn’t want to break up our family. BUT years down the line I don’t want to regret staying and then feeling like I can’t leave.

Feel like I would struggle to be passionate with someone that I did not feel was passionate about me.

Good point @OnlyToWin but I have tried to make sex passionate. I tell him what I like and dislike but it’s like it doesn’t register for next time. I’ve never had to tell anyone before him what I liked it just came natural.

But do you feel any passion towards him?

Why don't you just start with saying "it's my turn to cum first"? But mean it and tell him you enjoy it when he spends the time and effort getting you to cum. It sounds like he hasn't learnt to get a huge amount of pleasure from pleasuring his partner...

If you can't even ask that the there is no hope unless you settling for a sexless or duty Sex relationship.

Think you are right in that passion/desire is natural. I think it can be reignited if it existed in the first place, but not sure if it can be ignited if it never did. Not had experience of that - hopefully someone wiser will come along and advise. I hope things improve for you.

Most women couldn’t be passionate about or enjoy sex with someone who does not bother with foreplay and ejaculates in a v short time, then presumably doesn’t bother about their enjoyment or orgasm. The problem here isn’t mutual, it’s OP’s H.

Well, except that OP didn’t run for the hills after the first few crap shags!

Know what you mean and agree with you. It just seems like a bit of a viscous cycle for the OP and difficult to break if neither of them has the desire to.

Perhaps he lacks confidence? He feels like he doesn’t really know what he’s doing with his fingers etc when it comes to pleasing you so he goes straight for the penetration because he knows how to do that?

Can you not watch some kind of sex lessons type thing. You don’t have to say it’s because he’s crap, you can say you want to watch it because you ‘don’t have much imagination and don’t want to be boring in bed and thought it might be fun’.
That leads on to asking him if there’s stuff he’s like to do.... You just have to talk. And be open to trying stuff that sounds ok, in the knowledge that if it’s not ok after all for either you stop immediately.

In my experience men’s egos are pathetically fragile and you don’t want to go down that rabbit hole but you deserve to enjoy yourself and if he’s not going to do foreplay you’d be quite entitled to change your mind! Perhaps then he’d get the message of no foreplay= no sex! Just get him told you’re not relaxed/wet enough without a good serving of foreplay nowadays. Blame hormones if needs be. But stick to your guns. ‘Oh we aren’t doing foreplay, na, it’s ok I’m just gonna go do the dishes instead of sex bye’ should get the message across.

You could just do hands and mouths stuff and no penetration to get him passionate? Just remember to tell him how good it feels as soon as he does something you like so he knows and hopefully learns.

There’s a form therapy where any form of sex is banned and couples are encouraged to try and re-create the early days of their relationship where there was kissing etc. that was not always a forerunner for sex. It works by re-igniting that passion and intimacy without the pressure of having sex. Maybe worth a try if you don’t want to actually go to a therapist.