Is this sexual assault? Rape? Neither? TW

[daretodenim]

I'm wondering what this experience is.

I don't know how to talk about this event because it was so deeply upsetting, but I don't know what to call it. I'd like to

This was years ago.

My mother was visiting and in the next bedroom. Mother is abusive and had spent her holiday flirting with my then boyfriend and telling him how crap a person I was dressed up as jokes that he didn't always catch, but I did.

Boyfriend wanted anal. I'd never done it before. I didn't want to. I told him I didn't want to. I whispered things like not tonight, another time. He kept going on and on and in the end, because I didn't want an argument about anal sex, with my mother in the next room - she'd have probably told me to stop being a bitch to him - so I just let him.

It hurt, I did not like it and I didn't want it. I was aware that she was in the next room. I dissociated.

But on his side he'd have said that I'd agreed - and I didn't disagree in the end.

So what would you call this?

Rape. Sorry. He coerced you 'allowing' it.

In sex, consent should be enthusiastic to be truly consent.

He coerced you. It’s rape as he knew you didn’t want it. He would have known you weren’t enjoying it and wasn’t interested. As you agreed he will prob never acknowledge what he did though. I assume the relationship ended?

I don't personally think that's assault or rape. But your BF was still very out of order for pressuring you like that. It seems you felt trapped in a sitation because of your mother.
Your mother sounds abusive and that seems to be the route of your problem.
I'm sorry that you've had such an awful experience 💐

A coerced yes is not consent.

It's borderline in my opinion.

For it to be rape that act you described had to have occurred without your consent, you did say you didn't want to and he pressured you.

If you think he was aware you didn't agree then by definition in law it's rape.

I hope the coercive boyfriend is an ex, and that you have limited contact with your awful mum.

Definitely coercive.

I just want to add, if it was clear to him that you weren't enjoying it, he should have definitely stopped. Whining for sex is one thing, but not stopping if the other person is clearly not enjoying, perhaps even in distress, enters different territory.

You were raped, I'm sorry. A lot of us have had similar experiences.

@Gobbycop

It's borderline in my opinion.

For it to be rape that act you described had to have occurred without your consent, you did say you didn't want to and he pressured you.

If you think he was aware you didn't agree then by definition in law it's rape.

This is where I find problems. I'm sure if he'd stopped and thought he'd have realised I didn't want it - I wasn't remotely forthcoming and I was not responding like I was enjoying it, based on what he knew of me enjoying sex previously.

We'd never discussed anal. This came out of nowhere (to me).

He tried for quite a while to get me to say yes - if I'd wanted it, I'd have just said yes, or smiled and kissed him and gotten the ball rolling myself. I did none of those things.

There was no lube. I wasn't "ready". It hurt. I don't understand how it didn't hurt him.

But I didn't say No at the end. He only went ahead after I stopped saying no and making excuses. My body language at that point wasn't how it would be (see above) if I'd wanted to. When he was mid act I couldn't stop him because I was frozen and dissociated.

It certainly had a lasting psychological impact (which I know doesn't make it rape - or anything else!).

Category12 he's very, very ex and my mother has cut me off because I'm a shit daughter!

Neither of those things make me sad 😉

Good .

It might be worth speaking to Rape Crisis and working through what happened with some support.

It's very strange that he'd want to start experimenting sexually whilst your mum is in the next room anyway in my opinion. Why that night to start exploring new things!? Was he aroused by your mum being in the next room?

See that's the thing..if it's not rape, I don't want to be using services for people who have been raped. Or seeing a therapist and calling it that. The humiliation of being told face to face that I'm being ridiculous, it was just a misunderstanding or my fault for not standing my ground, is too much. Even if they did it in a nice, gentle way!

I think it was rape OP and I’m very sorry you went through that. The connection in time and space between your ex anally raping you and your mother bullying you is troubling you very deeply. I would recommend talking this out with a counsellor if you can.

It's very strange that he'd want to start experimenting sexually whilst your mum is in the next room anyway in my opinion. Why that night to start exploring new things!? Was he aroused by your mum being in the next room?

Yes, that thought makes me feel sick. I don't know the answer, but I have thought about it.

@FTMF30 where did you read that the OP consented to this act?
Do you think that a woman being harassed into something sexual with the implied threat of alerting her abusive mother to the situation if she didn't comply is the same as consent?

Well it sounds like you're well rid of two lots of heavy luggage OP ♥

Etc @primrosehillannie

That was meant to say wtf

PrimeroseHillAnnie

Not the same thing, unless you felt forced into it. Obviously.

consent should be enthusiastic to be truly consent

So it's more than a yes or a no ? It's a really enthusiastic yes ? Don't be silly.

OP, I’m not sure that it matters what label you (or we) put on it.
It traumatised you, whatever you or others call it, and if you feel you would benefit from discussing it with either rape crisis or a counsellor/therapist, then that is what you should do.
I am so pleased that you no longer have either of those two vile and abusive people in your life.
I suspect that it was your toxic mother’s lifelong undermining of you that made you vulnerable to such a horrible partner in the first place.
Had you been raised in a loving environment and encouraged to have strong boundaries and good self esteem, you’d have had the confidence to tell the abusive shit of a man to piss off long before things reached that point.
You don’t need other people’s permission to call it rape, and you will not be minimised or called ridiculous by anyone working in counselling- not even “gently”. I think that reflects more your own lack of self worth, thinking that you don’t “deserve” help or the use of services. You are absolutely deserving of help, and I hope this thread reassures you of that.
God bless, and I pray that you find the peace and healing you seek, and a happy future surrounded by people who value you and care about you.

@PrimeroseHillAnnie well that depends - did your friend continue to pressure you after you repeatedly said no? Then yes it was.

Not sure what being drunk has to do with anything.

OP please don’t worry that you’d be taking resources by talking it through with a professional. You deserve support. It sounds like coercion to me which does indeed make it rape - if a friend told you they had repeatedly said no to a sex act, made it obvious they were not interested and showed no signs of arousal/involvement in the act itself, but the partner went ahead anyway would you consider that ‘a misunderstanding’? What is there to misunderstand about you saying ‘no’ or ‘not tonight’ or ‘another time’? Just because you gave up protesting doesn’t mean you suddenly consented. Please seek some support.