Is this sexual assault? Rape? Neither? TW

[daretodenim]

I'm wondering what this experience is.

I don't know how to talk about this event because it was so deeply upsetting, but I don't know what to call it. I'd like to

This was years ago.

My mother was visiting and in the next bedroom. Mother is abusive and had spent her holiday flirting with my then boyfriend and telling him how crap a person I was dressed up as jokes that he didn't always catch, but I did.

Boyfriend wanted anal. I'd never done it before. I didn't want to. I told him I didn't want to. I whispered things like not tonight, another time. He kept going on and on and in the end, because I didn't want an argument about anal sex, with my mother in the next room - she'd have probably told me to stop being a bitch to him - so I just let him.

It hurt, I did not like it and I didn't want it. I was aware that she was in the next room. I dissociated.

But on his side he'd have said that I'd agreed - and I didn't disagree in the end.

So what would you call this?

Sorry didn’t read your updates! So glad you don’t see either of them anymore. I’m so sorry you went through that

@FifteenToes

Are you saying that if you give verbal consent in order to avoid negative consequences such as silent treatment, the sex that follows is then rape?

Yes, in law coerced sex is rape. Very difficult to prove in court, but still rape. My friend was in a very emotionally abusive relationship that was a lot like this. He never physically forced her to have sex, but he wouldn't take no for an answer, would use emotional blackmail to get sex (e.g. you don't want to have sex with me, that's why I feel so ugly and unattractive and have such low self esteem, it makes me want to kill myself etc.), would strop with her and not speak to her until she gave in, refuse to go to planned social events with friends or family which would embarrass her... if she still said no he often became verbally abusive. Eventually, after sometimes hours sometimes days, she would give in, say yes and passively lie there while he had sex with her that she clearly didn't want. It baffles me that anyone would not consider that to be rape, just because she 'said yes'.

That sounds like rape. Most people assume rape has to be when someone holds you down etc. It’s not. When I was 15 I stupidly went to my friends boyfriends house (mom and dad thought I was at hers!). His friend tried it on I said no , I was a virgin. I kept saying no but he wouldn’t stop, he then got angry and opened all the windows in the bedroom and wouldn’t let me leave his flat to go home, I stuck to my word and kept saying no when he got on top of me and just did it. I said no (his name), he wouldn’t stop I froze. I didn’t think it was rape until 6 years later.

I have been in a similar situation with my husbands mum in the next room. I said no several times but he kept at it and eventually he just did it whilst I was lying on my side. It didn't feel nice at all and I still remember it. He later told me he had been considering breaking up with me during that trip. he won't remember the sex incident I'm sure but I remember the sex made me feel like shit and now I know he was thinking of spitting up with me I feel even worse. I definitely consider it rape when they know you don't want it but do it anyway. This is something I am just starting to realise and I am considering leaving my husband as I put together the pieces

I meant to say I also just froze so I know exactly what you mean by that. I can't imagine how much worse it must have been given that it was anal

I used to work on a rape crisis line which was for any female who'd been raped or sexually assaulted. It's OK for you to call & talk this through. We sometimes had women who started by saying, "I don't know if this was rape...". You're not alone in having doubts.

It was rape OP.

Legally, rape is defined when the perpetrator does not have 'reasonable belief in consent' ...a reasonable person in your exs position would not have believed you wanted to do it

The legal definition of consent is 'agreeing by choice and having the freedom and capacity to make that choice' ....you did not agree by choice, your freedom was limited

I'm sorry OP. I used to work on a rape crisis helpline, they would definitely see your call as valid. Phone them x

I find it helpful to ask myself 'would I have done what he did' (e.g. in this situation go on and on at someone until they finally gave in and did what I wanted)...and 'if I had done that, would I have believed they willingly wanted it'

If you ask yourself those questions I'm sure the answer is no!