I really shouted at DP tonight. Would you have done the same or was I unreasonable?

[justanotherneighinparadise]

We have a fantastic relationship 98% of the time. He is loving and kind. We’ve been together nearly 10 years, two small children. We generally don’t argue. If we fall out it’s normally over him being really snappy with me and it really pisses me off. Particularly because it’s never over something I’ve done personally, it’s always because he’s in a bad mood about something and I’ve dared to ask if he’d like a cup of tea or something equally benign and he’s snapped at me.

Anyway last weekend he was angry with the computer and made Sunday afternoon hell because he was like a bear with a sore head. We were all treading eggshells and it annoyed me. So we had words that evening and he apologised. He did the bloody same thing this afternoon!!! Still trying to fix the bloody computer, getting angrier and angrier, snapping at the kids every time they went in the living room and I suppose my last straw broke. I went to shut the living room door, he barked at me why I was doing that and I just roared at him and left the room. The noise that came out of my mouth was primal 😬

No more words have been spoken and he’s gone to bed. I grew up in a household where we often tiptoed around my fathers moods and now as an adult I have no tolerance for it. He knows this. Do I apologise?

No
If he’s being snappy and ,aiming everyone tense he needs a kick up the arse.

*making everyone else tense

Thst is especially unfair on children who don’t have coping mechanisms and the sophistry to navigate a parents moods

He needs to check himself

‘Do I apologise?’

Are you sorry?

I don’t know if I’m sorry. I think I am sorry that I really shouted but I do want him to check himself.

His mother allows him to snap at her in a similar fashion and he thinks it’s acceptable. It’s not acceptable. I’ve said the same to her and she said ‘it’s just his way’. But then of course I’ve just lost my cool haven’t I so I’m no better. Plus I know I’ve upset him which makes me sad as we had the best Friday and Saturday and were completely loved up 😔

Thing is he is constantly repeating the same behaviour which isn't ok...

Agreed!

It’s the only thing that makes us argue.

If he is causing everyone to walk on eggshells around him then he needs to be told and he needs to understand the harm that he is inflicting on his family. I wouldn't give a shit about him being upset tbh.

Well, now you have a situation whereby it’s apparently OK for him but not okay for you, as he’s gone off to bed. Maybe remind him of this next time he gets arsey.

I understand being the child in this dynamic and i can’t seem to make him understand he’ll end up with offspring who are wary of him/don’t trust his moods/are slightly fearful. It absolutely damaged my relationship between me and my father and I don’t want him to do it to our kids. I can’t seem to get through to him though it’s so ingrained in him 🤷‍♀️

I would tell him to stop being a twat or he can move out after lockdown. You don't need to apologise.

@Pleasebeafleabite he doesn’t shout though. He gets peevish and snaps and shouts and huffs and puffs and gets everyone on edge. I honestly really screamed at him. He looked quite shocked.

Out the two of us I guess I was the one in the wrong but I swear this is 10 years in the brewing. It’s like a primal noise in me emerged and I just walked out the room.

YANBU. Why are you so bothered about him now being upset that you shouted at him when he doesn’t’t give a shit that he upsets you and your dc’s by being a moody sod?

Stop walking on eggshells around him. Sounds like you’d just had enough and snapped. No way would I apologise - I’d be telling him if he continues to act like a petulant child he can pack his bags.

Oh so he can't take a taste of his own medicine? Tough luck. I wouldn't be one bit sorry and I'd be telling him exactly how unacceptable his behaviour is. He's upsetting the peace of your home lives with his utterly stupid strops. A machine doesn't work so everyone has to suffer because he's pissed off? Fuck that. It's a really bad atmosphere for children to grow up in. He deserved you losing it, and more.

Hmmm because I love the bones of him and just feel deflated and sad about it 😭

Could have written that myself, word for word. Even down to the fixing the computer thing! DH has anger issues which he's got from his own DF. He's lovely and sweet most of the time. Been together 10 years and he's a hopeless romantic. Until we had DS I let the anger/snappiness go as it wasn't very common and he always apologises when I bring him up on it. Since DS was born (he's 11 months) he has been worse due to the stress of DS being so unwell, he had heart surgery, we had to treat him like a patient instead of a baby (he was tube fed, had multiple different meds to be administered, fluid restricted etc). DS is now happy and healthy but lockdown has happened so we're trapped again and DH's outbursts have started again. I too grew up having to deal with DM's anger issues so will not tolerate it with DS. I don't want him raised in a house where he doesn't know when the next outburst will happen. DS also has Down's Syndrome and as an SEN teacher I know how much that kind of thing can affect development and confidence.
I wouldn't apologise at all, I'd be expecting him to apologise. Or maybe I'd initiate by saying 'I didn't mean to growl, but.... This needs to stop'.

His mother is excusing his behaviour as “just his way” which is rubbish, it’s not okay, it’s not acceptable to snap and all the time he thinks it is he won’t change it and all the time you accept it he’s going to continue. Shouting wasn’t okay especially when you don’t want him to snap/shout at you so you probably both need to apologise but it sounds like he needs to make the changes.

Every time he snaps pull him up on it, it doesn’t need to be confrontational just “Please don’t snap at me/the kids like that”

Did he like it? Or did he run off hide?

Two of my computer screens have been broken accidentally in lockdown and I'm getting non stop email from the school about HW.
But I didn't go shouting and getting mad.

I'm not teaching my teens that that sort of behaviour is acceptable.
I understand the frustration but you can only work with what you got, and getting mad and making others unhappy is not healthy

I would have thought this was a side effect of lockdown. Everyone's at the end of their tether. If he's normally a really decent guy then I'd just think it was both of you being totally fed up and I'd get over it.

You ,love the bones of someone who makes you and your children feel uneasy and wary?

Don’t think you did anything wrong at all. I doubt he will change though. Next time he takes on a task that’s really frustrating tell him to do it when the kids have gone to bed or in the shed or a separate room.

I don’t accept it. I can’t. I have a complete intolerance to being talked to like shit, honestly I do think it comes from my relationship with my father and I refuse to live my life in one continuous fucking repetitive cycle. The times we have fallen out have always been over this one issue. We can go months and then he’ll verbally rip my head off again and it all starts again.

I used to seethe and ignore him. Then I read on here that was abusive behaviour so I stopped being passive aggressive and made him talk to me and we’d discuss it. He’d apologise and another 8 months might pass and then he’ll do it again. It’s unheard of for it to happen twice in a week so I’m sure it’s lockdown related but we can’t discuss it again! He knows what the problem is. He obviously can’t stop. So I have no idea what to do.

Perhaps as soon as he starts you need to say "you are doing that thing and it's not ok, go out for a walk and come back when you are not taking it out on us", something like that?

@stophuggingme because I guess it’s normally very rare and I’m not altogether sure if I’m overreacting because my own childhood has damaged me. For other people this might not annoy them at all. They’d probably brush off their partner snapping at them sometimes. Not give it a second thought.

@NagevMama so sorry you’re going through the same thing 😔