I really shouted at DP tonight. Would you have done the same or was I unreasonable?

[justanotherneighinparadise]

We have a fantastic relationship 98% of the time. He is loving and kind. We’ve been together nearly 10 years, two small children. We generally don’t argue. If we fall out it’s normally over him being really snappy with me and it really pisses me off. Particularly because it’s never over something I’ve done personally, it’s always because he’s in a bad mood about something and I’ve dared to ask if he’d like a cup of tea or something equally benign and he’s snapped at me.

Anyway last weekend he was angry with the computer and made Sunday afternoon hell because he was like a bear with a sore head. We were all treading eggshells and it annoyed me. So we had words that evening and he apologised. He did the bloody same thing this afternoon!!! Still trying to fix the bloody computer, getting angrier and angrier, snapping at the kids every time they went in the living room and I suppose my last straw broke. I went to shut the living room door, he barked at me why I was doing that and I just roared at him and left the room. The noise that came out of my mouth was primal 😬

No more words have been spoken and he’s gone to bed. I grew up in a household where we often tiptoed around my fathers moods and now as an adult I have no tolerance for it. He knows this. Do I apologise?

And, you should definitely not be feeling bad for finally snapping. X

I definitely have taken the kids out when they were very tiny. Mainly because he would have pissed me off and of course if I was leaving the house the breast fed child was coming too. I would have taken them out for a walk last Sunday but my eldest actually hates going out for a walk and I knew it would be more painful to drag him out than stay in the house and be annoyed 🤭

Your kids (nor you bit it's even worse for the kids because they don't have a choice about living with him) shouldn't have to cope with their father taking out his temper on them.

"Anger management" .... Im not a big believer in anger problems - the reason being that men with anger problems almost always manage not to snap at/shout at/be aggressive towards etc. strangers, bosses, policemen, other men who could physically hurt them ...
But somehow manage to have 'anger problems" with their dependant, (usually no.physical challenge) female partners and kids.

They pick their captive audience.

Does everyone on here honestly never snap at their partner? How do you all remain level and controlled at all time?

He’s never telling the kids off, they’re just running to him to say something excitedly and he’s going What!? in that fucking shitty voice we all know when we’re pissed off and impatient. Then they’re saying something else five mins later and he’s huffing and puffing and snapping at them. It seems to ignite my maternal urge to protect them
and my hackles shoot up.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras see that’s the bit I’m not sure about. Maybe I’m the one overreacting?

Well that sort of is telling them off - it's saying "don't come near me/show me stuff/don't "bother" me, piss off" etc.

Exactly @Gilbert!

I feel your pain! My DH is known for his sarcasm, as am I, and we'll often make a sarky comment in a jokey fashion, which I usually find funny. Today, for some reason, I totally lost it when he made a joke about my cooking of potato wedges (of all things) and I ended up crying! He was absolutely mortified and couldn't apologise enough. And then I felt bad at shouting at him.
My DH is under lots of pressure as he's still working in a place where social distancing is almost impossible (making PPA) and is m stuck at home all day feeling extremely isolated.

As far as your DH is concerned, try to take some time with him to talk through why you reacted the way you did, and that his behaviour when he's annoyed is unacceptable for lots of reasons. I hope you can sort things out.

Does everyone on here honestly never snap at their partner? How do you all remain level and controlled at all time?

I don't snap at them when they offer me a cup.of tea or similar, no.

Likewise I dint snap at them them because some piece of technology isnt cooperating with me.

It would never be something that we:re not clashing over to some greater or lesser extent.

Also sorry but laptop tech issues should not place him in such a dire mood. He needs to learn to manage his stress/anger better. It sounds like he’s not very good with tech and he doesn’t know what he’s doing - leading to him getting irrationally angry

Is it a windows or Apple laptop? He can actually open a live chat session with Microsoft or Apple respectively and they will walk him through what he needs to do in real time - so it’s sorted once and for all by someone who knows what they’re doing and he can stop faffing. They can even remotely control the screen and do it themselves if he needs help, so there’s no excuse for him to be silently raging

Honestly I don't know. If I'm trying to concentrate on a really frustrating thing (like a computer)then the constant interruption from children does drive you mad so I don't know - in that instance I think I would get irritated too.

I also can't imagine never snapping at my husband and only once a year doesn't sound like a problem, to me. But then others seem to be saying that it's entirely out of order so who knows? Maybe I'm really wrong here. I know that I definitely snap much more often than once every eight months.

It is complicated by a health condition he has which means he has to take medication on a Saturday evening which makes him feel like crap on a Sunday. So I do have some sympathy but I’m also sick of that being used as an excuse. He knows he can nap on a Sunday afternoon without me having any issue with that whatsoever.

YANBU at all. However, if he's genuinely usually lovely and has made an effort in the last 8 months I think I would apologise for the shouting tomorrow (give him time to think about it) if it actually upset him but explain that you won't allow him to take his anger out on you and DC and explain to him AGAIN why. Hopefully if this is a one off from you he will remember this in future. We're all human and we all get irritated from time to time and how many of us can say that we've never snapped at people when we're in a bad mood. Doesn't excuse it though and you're well entitled to react how you did

The way he is behaving to you, his children and his mother is wrong and needs to change. Your last update made me very sad- it’s emotionally abusive to behave towards children like that and he will damage his relationship with them if it continues. You know this from your own father/ daughter relationship. My husband can get like this occasionally - usually over computers too! However, it doesn’t last long and he always apologised because he knows the damage it does. He needs to go out/ walk it off/ withdraw and basically stop punishing the household or he is going to end up with teenagers who won’t talk to him, don’t like him and worst of all, behave like this when things don’t go their way. Don’t feel bad about your reaction- if nothing else, you have drawn a line in the sand and they know that it’s not ok for him to hold the household to ransom.

Oh god tech issues are the absolute worst as far as I'm concerned though. I feel my blood pressure rising when they just don't do what they are meant to be doing.

I just can't believe that no one else gets annoyed with their partner, ever.

justanotherneighinparadise

Is it methotrexate by any chance?

If it is, I'm sorry but my sympathy for him has just gone up. I take that and I honestly feel like I want to die for 48 hours after taking it.

I just can't believe that no one else gets annoyed with their partner, ever

Noone said they didn't get annoyed with their partner.

That's not what this thread is about.

He gets annoyed at tech/work/ whatever or in a mood and takes it out on his partner a d kids. Even when his partner is trying to.di something nice for him, like offering him a drink.

No. It’s a drug that he has to inject into his thigh and it can make him feel really shaky and ill. But again, go upstairs and have a nap. Don’t inflict feeling like crap on the family. I honestly have no issue if he’s feeling ropey. It’s the other shit I have huge problems with.

My DH took weekly methotrexate for years, yep he would be knackered and withdraw and need to sleep, didn't make him take his annoyances out on us though!

Why are you repeatedly ignoring/misunderstanding people suggesting that HE takes himself out for a walk when he gets like this? Not you and the kids.

You said that you and the children had to walk on egg shells last week because of his behaviour so you clearly do tolerate it. What would happen if you went in the first time you heard him snap and said "please don't speak to the children like that" amd pulled him upon it straight away? Not that you should have to obviously

I don’t think it’s unreasonable. He has All of you feeling like shit, why feel bad that you have reacted once?
Yes to him leaving or him going upstairs. If it’s been while he’s doing something on the laptop next time he looks at it say I can see you looking at the laptop. If you’re going to switch to grumpy asshole dad you need to hide away upstairs or leave the house. I’ve told you the kids live here and I won’t have you make it a horrible place for them and me. Boundaries. You’ve obviously got them, now firmly alter them so he leaves the main living spaces every time.

Then I think he’d probably stomp upstairs effing and jeffing. When I’ve left the house before it was my way of saying that I wouldn’t be subject to his mood without being combative if that makes sense.

He gets annoyed at tech/work/ whatever or in a mood and takes it out on his partner a d kids. Even when his partner is trying to.di something nice for him, like offering him a drink

But once every eight months? What things is it ok to get snappy about? In my case it is tech - I just can't cope with the frustration of it when it won't do what it's meant to do. Other people it will be something else. Does it matter what it is? Especially if he's feeling ill anyway.