I really shouted at DP tonight. Would you have done the same or was I unreasonable?

[justanotherneighinparadise]

We have a fantastic relationship 98% of the time. He is loving and kind. We’ve been together nearly 10 years, two small children. We generally don’t argue. If we fall out it’s normally over him being really snappy with me and it really pisses me off. Particularly because it’s never over something I’ve done personally, it’s always because he’s in a bad mood about something and I’ve dared to ask if he’d like a cup of tea or something equally benign and he’s snapped at me.

Anyway last weekend he was angry with the computer and made Sunday afternoon hell because he was like a bear with a sore head. We were all treading eggshells and it annoyed me. So we had words that evening and he apologised. He did the bloody same thing this afternoon!!! Still trying to fix the bloody computer, getting angrier and angrier, snapping at the kids every time they went in the living room and I suppose my last straw broke. I went to shut the living room door, he barked at me why I was doing that and I just roared at him and left the room. The noise that came out of my mouth was primal 😬

No more words have been spoken and he’s gone to bed. I grew up in a household where we often tiptoed around my fathers moods and now as an adult I have no tolerance for it. He knows this. Do I apologise?

I have definitely taken the kids out in the past. Now lockdown has eased slightly I would think about us just going out for a walk. Annoys me that we have to though!!

I did very similar with my exh after about 25 years of marriage. I just absolutely lost it over a relatively minor issue and yelled at him - very out of character for me and tbh I shocked myself.

Thinking about it afterwards I realised that it was just the final, final straw. I'd spent so many years tiptoeing around and making excuses for him, and I just couldn't stand it any longer.

It's incredibly bad for your mental health to live like that, not to mention the effect it has on dc. You need to have a really serious talk with him, op.

No you send him out he house to come back when he can be reasonable!

Sorry, cross posted. You've tried the serious talking and it doesn't work... not sure what else you can do except pull him up on it every single time.

Oh, and a word of warning - it gets worse as the years go on.

Okay. I’m not going to apologise. Maybe this is actually my moment to hold firm. He knows I’ve absolutely lost my shit. He is acting like a scolded child. I’m going to hold my nerve and see how it plays out tomorrow.

I grew up tiptoeing around my dad's bad mood too. I hated it. You sound like you really know your boundaries OP. It shouldn't get to the point where you roar like that, but I hold your hand in emmpathy.

@Cambionome I think it can go either way as my dad actually mellowed considerably as he aged. The damage was already done though and our relationship never fully recovered.

Don’t apologise, you’ve bollocked him, he was in the wrong. What would you be apologising for, exactly? No way should he be using this behaviour to control and train you to walk on eggshells, which it appears he is. He has no right to behave in this way and his mother ought to have bloody trained him out of it as a kid! He will get worse, don’t say sorry, you did nothing wrong. I wouldn’t tolerate this either. Sometimes my DH is snappy and I know he’s tired, but that’s not my fault or problem so he gets told, I won’t have him taking out a mood on me.

and now as an adult I have no tolerance for it.

Apparently you do,cause you've been.putting up with this shit for how long.

The fuck would I be apologising.

If I offered someone a cup of tea and they snapped at me cause they're in a bad mood that I've done nothing to cause or contribute to, tbh I'd be saying "fuck you then!" to them.

But it's no way to run a relationship, and nor is the egg shell tense thing you guys are being pushed into, not fair on kids or you.

It's not just his way, he's been let away with it. It's not far off abusive.

@AnduinsGirl that made me well out a bit. Thank you. Means a lot.

I'd be giving some short thrift any time he started that shit. He needs to get some discomfort every time he treats people rudely and horrible because he's in a mood and maybe he'll stop. He should get zero tolerance from entire household.

It might be worth reading wlWhy does he do that ) primarily about physical.abusd do you'll think it's irrelevant to you, but it covers all types of abuse and shit behaviour and is v good).

Free online version;

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

The abuser profiles might be best place to skip to.

Sounds like anger management issues, there is therapy for that.
Of course, if it is only once every 8 months, that is really well controlled tbh. I don’t know anyone that never argues, never snaps. We are only human. Don’t feel bad that you roared back one time. So long as people stop, think and apologise when it is so infrequent, it’s all good.

I wouldn’t walk on eggshells if it is truly only every 8 months. Cant expect perfect harmony. Nothing wrong with a bit of venting now and then when you are repairing things, while alone, and not taking it out on anyone.

I just skim read the profiles @gilbert and I can hand on heart say he does not fit an abuser profile. He is a really good man. Very genuine, supportive, loving, no demands on me at all I’m any way. Works very hard to support his family, listens to me. Honestly I can’t fault him bar this one issue.

My dad was like this. It was like he never wanted us around. We were always a burden. It’s not good. He needs to work on it. Does he ever seem pleased to spend time with them?

This could have been written by me. DH is lovely but gets proper grumpy if the computers fight with him.

I chuck him in his office and tell him to come out when he's sorted himself out.

He can moan and bitch all he wants but out of my way.

Why do you keep putting “primal” and not stating what you actually said to him? The only way any of us can judge if you were in the wrong or not is if we know what was said.

Did you scream insults at him or just put your point across?

I don’t think you are wrong to tell him not to take his bad mood out on the children, that’s certainly being a shit father

@PlanDeRaccordement I think it would be less of an issue if it were just me and him as I’d just bugger off upstairs and leave him to it knowing that eventually he’d reappear upstairs with me having remedied whatever the bloody computer issue is/was. I’d leave him be.

The kids know no better though. Theyre like innocent bouncy puppy dogs. Daddy is usually happy to see them, they don’t understand that he’s mood has switched and that now he’s cross and impatient and they need to leave him alone. They don’t. They bounce back in there and each time I hear him snap at them and I get more and more annoyed. Hence me shutting the door.

I can’t control the kids. I shouldn’t have to. He should take the laptop upstairs away from family life and shut himself away. That’s what I would do. Instead he remains in a family space acting like a miserable bastard. That’s just unacceptable to me.

Honestly I can’t fault him bar this one issue.

But it’s a huge issue. He’s using his moodiness to control you. He suppresses and controls you by shouting, snapping, being moody. You and your dc are walking on eggshells around his moods. You’re repeating what happened to you as a child and you’ve already said that it effectively ruined your relationship with your father.

I’m not saying ltb, but he needs to be stopped in his tracks and made to see how shitty his behaviour is. Possibly you’ve done this tonight if he’s acting like a scolded kid. I would absolutely stamp on it the second he starts again.

He knows what the problem is. He obviously can’t stop. So I have no idea what to do.

Here's the thing. He is an intelligent man. He obviously wants to stop at some level because he apologises and goes 8 months before doing it again.

Your roar was excellent. That's the kind of thing to make him decide to get help beyond his own willpower.

Use it. Don't apologise. Don't soothe his sad feelings. Don't even accept his eventual apology. I would refuse to talk about it now. You don't have to know what to do. He knows exactly what he has done wrong, he has promised to stop many times. There is nothing to discuss. "I don't want yet another apology. I want you to stop doing it."

Let him find the solution by himself.

@Mnthrowaway20202. I went to shut the door and he snapped something like ‘what are you doing? Or why are you doing that? And i screamed ‘BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN!’ and slammed the door behind me.

The reason I said it sounded primal is because it wasn’t my own voice. It was like a noise from the depths of fucking hell. I honestly screamed those words at him.

Thank you @TorkTorkBam. That actually gave me goosebumps.

Oh, I missed that he was snapping at the children. Yes, he needs definitely to get therapy for anger management. Its one thing to swear and rage at an inanimate object you are repairing versus snapping at children who happen to wander into close proximity to you. He needs to have the control to turn it off when they are anywhere near him.

We generally don’t argue. If we fall out it’s normally over him being really snappy with me and it really pisses me off. Particularly because it’s never over something I’ve done personally, it’s always because he’s in a bad mood about something and I’ve dared to ask if he’d like a cup of tea or something equally benign and he’s snapped at me.

His mother allows him to snap at her in a similar fashion and he thinks it’s acceptable. It’s not acceptable. I’ve said the same to her and she said ‘it’s just his way’

We can go months and then he’ll verbally rip my head off again and it all starts again.

He’d apologise and another 8 months might pass and then he’ll do it again. It’s unheard of for it to happen twice in a week so I’m sure it’s lockdown related but we can’t discuss it again! He knows what the problem is. He obviously can’t stop.

I swear this is 10 years in the brewing.

He may not fit any of the abuser profiles in that book, but this sounds like a well established/ingrained, long term, repetitive issue, even if it's not very often.

You said you actually take your kids our of the house to get say from.him when he's like that?

Ohhh I see, I pictured it as more of an argument instead. I don’t think you were in the wrong then, you didn’t do anything wrong. Just expressed your frustration (albeit loudly), which I think is understandable under the circumstances.

I’m sure you’ll both clear the air at some point. Think of the things to say to him, that he keeps taking his bad moods out on the rest of the household, that he’s treating the children nastily because they’re too young to understand, it will lead to them being scared of him, it’s unfair on you to have to be their sole caregiver whilst he’s stormed off upstairs or whilst he tells them to go away etc.

All couples I know are having tiffs and fall outs at the moment. It's tough right now. However your other half is being a dick. Couldn't he work upstairs? He shouldn't let the kids see this stupid, irritable nonsense.