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Original poster

Sexless Marriage

81 replies

marky19791 · 09/05/2020 22:53

I’m a married man in my early 40s with two kids, 7 and 10. Since starting a family sex has been rare and in the last few years often several months pass with nothing at all.

I love my wife and she says she loves me but has time for work and the children but is exhausted after that so sex is a low priority. I don’t expect it all the time and understand it is different for women for various reasons.

But it does seem unfair that I have to suffer and my wife doesn’t consider my feelings at all. She says she likes sex when it happens but can’t really be bothered most the time. Obviously women hold all the power in this regard as they can have it on demand but I feel so frustrated I am going mad.

I don’t want to cheat as I value my family too much and couldn’t bear hurting my wife.

But I am at my wits end. What do people do in this situation?

OP posts:
krankykittykat · 09/05/2020 23:09

What are you doing to pull your weight each day?

Original poster
marky19791 · 09/05/2020 23:15

I do about 90% of the cooking, cleaning and washing. My wife does most of the organising school type activities (and is now better at the home school with our younger son) though I do more directing with the older boy. We both work FT but she’s doing more hours then me (both at home now) right now though a couple of months ago it was similar for both of us

OP posts:
TurkeyBasterHopeItWorks · 09/05/2020 23:20

I think you need to honestly discuss this with your wife so that she knows how it makes you feel. Hopefully there are things you can both work on to help reconnect and improve your sex life.
Maybe your wife feels lost and forgotten about in terms of family life and general exhaustion. Would you say you are equally involved in childcare and housework? This makes a big difference to quality of life.

TurkeyBasterHopeItWorks · 09/05/2020 23:21

Sorry we cross posted!

Original poster
marky19791 · 09/05/2020 23:34

Thanks for the replies, I appreciate that.

I do probably more than half of childcare and most the housework.

I have spoken to my wife about this but don’t want to put any more pressure on her when she works hard and get the clear message that I’m bottom of the list

OP posts:
LocalHobo · 09/05/2020 23:35

On Mumsnet I suspect you may be told it will be down to you not pulling your weight in other parts of the marriage, but I never really see that as a cause of losing a sexual spark.
It is easy to fall into ‘Mummy’ mode and ‘work’ mode and sometimes there is no room for ‘sexy’ role- it kind of gets pushed to the back of priorities in a busy life.
Something has to relight the spark (I’m assuming you had a spark to begin with). Does your DW feel good about herself, does she know you desire being with her in all ways, not just sexually? TBH I couldn’t bear the idea of manufactured date nights and things like that, I think sexual desire is either there or not but, I know that spark can come back. As your DC get older and more independent you will have time and space to swing from the chandeliers, but can you/do you want to wait?
I don’t think I’m very helpful, but in conclusion, try and communicate, not in a “Our lack of sex is a problem” way, but a “I love you, I hope you love me, let’s remember we are a team” way.
Good luck.

HotCrossBungle · 09/05/2020 23:38

But you're not in a sexless marriage if you are having sex every few months. You're in a marriage where you're not having as much sex as you'd like 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
marky19791 · 09/05/2020 23:41

Thanks. I agree with your comments and how difficult this is!

OP posts:
Original poster
marky19791 · 09/05/2020 23:43

2 or 3 times a year is agonisingly infrequent and I think you’re splitting hairs.

OP posts:
FTstepmum · 09/05/2020 23:52

My DH gets me in the mood by being affectionate and loving during the day. It makes me feel significant and wanted - effectively, our lovemaking starts hours before the main event.

Maybe that might help? It's got to be authentic though.

I do feel for you - I would also find an infrequent sex-life to be miserable.

Prisonbreak · 09/05/2020 23:53

Do you flirt with her? Might seem daft but my man and I flirt with each other all the time. Let her know you fancy her but make it light, easy up on any pressure and have fun again

Connieston · 09/05/2020 23:58

I am going to be blunt - if she doesn't want to have sex she has most likely physically gone off you. Having sex when you don't want to have it is horrible. I had to get drunk to accommodate my sulking husband, he was great parenting, managing house - I just didn't want to have sex with him and did it the bare minimum to keep the peace. I wish we had an honest conversation and gone our separate ways earlier.

WickedlyPetite · 09/05/2020 23:58

Well it sounds like you've talked to her about it, and she's not that bothered about changing things, so my question is how long are you prepared to stick around in a sexless marriage? Does everything else about the relationship make up for the no sex?

angryhulk · 10/05/2020 00:01

Do you make her orgasm when you do have sex? Maybe it's not good enough to want more of it so she's not as bothered?

MNHQ
LouMumsnet · 10/05/2020 09:42

Hi there, @marky19791 - we're just bobbing on here to let you know that we've moved your thread to our Relationships topic. Flowers

HopefullyAnonymous · 10/05/2020 09:57

OP, you could be my husband were it not for the name and the ages of the kid.

In my case it was an affair that caused the rot to set in. He’s a good husband, father etc but I lost all sexual desire for him after what he did. I’m sure if you asked him he feels quite sorry for himself. I love him to bits as a person but the sex is kept to a minimum. I do think he will eventually leave and I’ll deal with that when it happens.

Beancounter9 · 10/05/2020 10:47

2/3 times a year is defined by many experts as a sexless marriage (I think anything under 10 x can also be the barometer)

Maybe like a lot of woman, she got what she wanted (kids) and that part of her suddenly became something that wasn’t so important.

It’s not fair on you though particularly if she wasn’t like this before. Has it even been frequent or always been a bit “once every couple of weeks”

You don’t have a great deal of choice though. Her body, her decision unless you are prepared to leave.

I would however have the discussion. Be very blunt. Tell her you love her but the lack of intimacy is making you very unhappy and you would like to see if this is something she would be prepared to work on, wether through counselling or together. She might not though and then you have a decision to make, not easy when you have two kids.

coronade · 10/05/2020 10:55

Does she have any health problems and/or is peri menopausal?

This can really diminish a women’s sex drive. I was anemic for several years (gp ignored it) and it really did make me loose my interest in sex.

searchaway · 10/05/2020 11:02

I disagree about it necessarily being an affair. You could be describing my life almost exactly and I think you’ll find this a common theme. I’m trying to make the point that you are not unusual and it’s not a weird situation. It’s exhaustion. It’s that simple. I’m not in the mood for sex when tired or stressed and right now with schools closed the kids are there all the effing time. Normally, do you have anybody who can have the kids for a long weekend? As soon as lockdown is over that’s what we will do. You need a few childless fri to mon weekends away. Not flying overseas but somewhere nice within an hours easy travelling. I’d say spend a year doing that before you chuck the towel in. To be honest you’re going to find the same problem anywhere else and the grass isn’t always greener and unless you’re going to date somebody younger with no kids then you’ll end up the same. All of my female friends with kids regardless of age, have this issue.

PicsInRed · 10/05/2020 11:11

You have the right to leave.

You have no right to cheat.

HTH.

CallMeRachel · 10/05/2020 11:24

I don't know the answer to this but just wanted to say I'm in the similar situation. I'm female and husband stopped wanting sex 3/4 years ago.

It's happened once in all those years. Now aged early 40s.

We have a functional marriage with no physical closeness, separate rooms for many years. No affair either side. It's lonely and hurtful, he won't discuss it.

Oopsiedaisyy · 10/05/2020 11:32

Try to get her to talk about it. If she is unwilling to change, or even discuss the underlying issues then you know where you stand.

You can either end the marriage or ask her how she'd feel about having an open marriage. Or cheat.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 10/05/2020 11:51

It's exhaustion, kids and well.... Life. Many women go through this. However, I couldn't live like that and so you either have to discuss and see whether you can get that spark back (perhaps not during lock down), if not you can always leave, it's a perfectly valid reason to leave.

Pisspotical · 10/05/2020 11:53

Forget trying to work on it. Once that spark no longer ignites, it is a lost cause I’m afraid.
Go ahead and cheat, - if a woman (or man) fails to fulfil their respective partners’ sexual appetites without good reason, I see they have no cause for complaint. Cheat, have fun, and enjoy yourself! Life is too short to be wallowing in such conundrums. After all,- the hungry must be fed!

emilybrontescorsett · 10/05/2020 12:00

There is a similar thread written by a woman. Her husband's response was that over a 20 year period she had gained around 2 stone in weight and he didn't want to have sex with her because he found her more sexy 20 years ago.
The general consensus was that she should lose weight and get back to how she looked when they first met.