Sexless Marriage

[marky19791]

I’m a married man in my early 40s with two kids, 7 and 10. Since starting a family sex has been rare and in the last few years often several months pass with nothing at all.

I love my wife and she says she loves me but has time for work and the children but is exhausted after that so sex is a low priority. I don’t expect it all the time and understand it is different for women for various reasons.

But it does seem unfair that I have to suffer and my wife doesn’t consider my feelings at all. She says she likes sex when it happens but can’t really be bothered most the time. Obviously women hold all the power in this regard as they can have it on demand but I feel so frustrated I am going mad.

I don’t want to cheat as I value my family too much and couldn’t bear hurting my wife.

But I am at my wits end. What do people do in this situation?

@CallMeRachel why do you stay ? How can you know there's no affair ? Did he ever feelmpassionate towards you ?

I’d quite clearly tell your wife that you want a regular sex life and if she doesn’t want to participate in that, is she willing to allow you to have one with someone else if she wants the marriage and DC security to remain intact?

She is not being fair, if it’s just that she can’t be bothered. DH and I have raised 4 DC, one with SN, and have had dry spells caused by exhaustion, stress or just that we had periods of despising each other (27 years together ). We always find our way back to each other after a few months (18months at one point!).

Years of no sex or only a few times a year when one partner is very frustrated by that is not sustainable. You are in danger territory for an having an affair and it is right that you address it.

Some might say ending a marriage just because of lack of sex is selfish but conversely your wife is risking your marriage by not being bothered to put the effort into something that is a very important part of a marriage and obviously is important to you.

@bigchris it's complicated. Co-dependency and financially screwed separately.

We care for each other but are more like family members/best friends than a couple.

Both of us have gained a lot of weight through stress and had a lot of knocks in life. It's taken its toll.

He could be doing things online but he's definitely not having a physical affair.

I think we're both feeling stuck.

These threads pop up regularly. And there are rarely solutions that work - unless both parties see it as an issue and want to change it.
So - OP, your choices are

• accept it and channel your energy into hobbies and sports
• ask for an open marriage where you can have your needs to be met elsewhere as it’s unfair for one person to force the other to give up sex life
• find a FWB - easier if it’s someone in similar situation who doesn’t want to leave their marriage
• divorce

Your W has fallen into a very common lull of mid-marriage. Work, kids, daily drudgery seems to affect women a lot and the libido goes. It doesn’t often come back, or at least not for the long term partner. Unless there is some underlying condition or a reason.
Sorry

OP I don't mean this to sound as harsh as it might be about to, but are you here on Mumsnet for validation or to get a sense of what might be going on with her from the other half of the population? No need to answer that only you know really and it might be a bit of both really.

I would just say that if your wife seems to have lost her desire then she will be out of touch with many other things that light her up. Her sense of humour, her sense of fun, passion (not just for sex!), her sense of sensuality (food, fragrance, texture, tactile etc). I think this happens a lot to people with young families and I sometimes wonder if men really understand the strange psychological space a lot of women find themselves occupying after children, simultaneously asexual 'mother' as well as a 'milf', trying to have a good career, trying to keep up appearances, remembering all the kids needs. It is exhausting, mentally and it's easy to lose sight of the simple uncomplicated pleasures in life. Particularly if one of the things that should be a simple, uncomplicated pleasure is actually becoming a source of guilt, stress and obligation.

You might find the article here interesting as either food for thought or a conversation starter, I don't agree with it all, but there are some useful insights in there. www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-to-increase-your-sex-drive-psychological-blocks

I wish you both well.

I suggest you write down your feelings in a letter and let her read it and respond in her own time. This makes it more serious and in context and will probably have more impact. But I would couch it all in you wanting a more fulfilling relationship rather than just a sex life. You want to rekindle the partnership and spend intimate time together. I "went off" my husband in the past and it was because he wasn't providing the emotional connection I needed, then it becomes a habit. Good luck op. X

For those saying 'just cheat' is it really that easy? Are there available women out there just waiting for men in sexless marriages to approach them? Just about any woman that the op knows will also know that he's married with kids, that must surely rule out most of them wanting to sleep with him.

I hope you don't cheat op, you sound like a good husband and father and you might just have lost your way a bit as a couple. The only option is to talk to her and try and find out why, let her know the rejection hurts emotionally too so that you're not making it all about sex.

Are there available women out there just waiting for men in sexless marriages to approach them

Yes. There are several dating sites entirely for married people wanting affairs to meet other married people wanting affairs.

Most of those sites are just money making scams, I’d always assumed. Anyway, cheating is not what I want, since it’d hurt my wife and ruin my family for good.

Many thanks for all the replies. I will keep working at it. Other than when we first met, sex has been a once every couple of weeks thing pre kids and virtually nothing more recently. I understand there are good reasons for things being as they are thanks to a busy life though there is nothing in particular.

I came to this site because I don’t have anyone to talk to about these things and the replies are genuinely helpful.

"Most of those sites are just money making scams, I’d always assumed. "

They are. I remember when Ashley Madison had their database leaked. Only 5% or less of their customers were actually women. But even if you could get away with it anonymously, it would still be a lousy thing to do. If your wife is unwilling to talk fully and honestly about it, just for starters, there's probably not much you can do. You will have to consider leaving.

"my wife doesn’t consider my feelings at all. She says she likes sex when it happens but can’t really be bothered most the time."

I mean, to continue, at least she's being honest. If she only wants sex 2-3 times a year, and she's unwilling or unable to increase that desire, then you may have to accept its time to move on.

@emilybrontescorsett

Are there available women out there just waiting for men in sexless marriages to approach them?

Yes, there's plenty of them. Just check out the 'affair' threads on here. A 'sexless marriage' isn't even a requirement for some of them.

Same situation for me.

When I raised the issue and how much it saddened me that my wife showed me little physical affection (let alone sex), I was accused of trying to 'control' her.

Which made me feel upset and despressed within the relationship, as well as frustrated and angry, which of course was then used as a reason why she didn't want to be physical with me. And so the spiral continued.

If, like my wife, she does not see your unhappiness as a valid concern then I don't think she is respecting you at all.

Obviously women hold all the power in this regard as they can have it on demand

This shows an underlying lack of respect for women I'm afraid. Not attractive.

"This shows an underlying lack of respect for women I'm afraid. Not attractive."

It is an overly simplistic and disrespectful view, you are right. However I don't think OP is a raving misogynist. I think this has little or nothing to do with his wife losing interest in sex.

My DH gets me in the mood by being affectionate and loving during the day. It makes me feel significant and wanted - effectively, our lovemaking starts hours before the main event.

Mine’s the same. He’s not like this all the time so I know when he’s thinking about “it”.

It’s weird but it works. It makes me WANT to be with him.

As an aside, I do ALL the housework and 97% (precise, I know) of the childcare. My DH taking on more in this respect would not, in any way, make me want to have sex with him more! I have no idea why this is always spun out as the obvious reason why a woman doesn’t want to have sex. In my experience, it’s attention and affection based.

OP I'm sorry to hear this as you sound very frustrated, which is understandable. You say sex has been 'rare' since starting a family so that's been around 10 years. A decade of having sex rarely sounds difficult.

Some things you could do. There's always the possibility of couple's counselling which may be possible online. You could start with Relate. Sex can be a difficult subject to broach and counselling may help get some difficult issues out into the open and provide strategies for dealing with them.

You could have a discussion about it. Try to really hear what she's telling you. You may be very surprised at what she says.

You could explore counselling by yourself as constant rejection has a serious impact on your self esteem.

I wouldn't issue any ultimatums that you aren't going to stick by. Don't tell her that if it doesn't change you're leaving. Also be prepared to hear some things you may not like. She may have hidden resentments or anger you're not aware of. Most of all, approach it with love and kindness with the aim of coming to a compromise if need be or making some changes.

I really hope it works out for you.

@Wearywithteens sammylady37 "but can’t you just wait ffs?"

Wait til when. When he dies? If her interest in sex hasn't returned by now, its almost certainly gone for good. Unless she's interested in and willing to try and restore it, it ain't coming back.

I think if there is other stuff going wrong in the marriage sex is the first thing to suffer. If your relationship is good aside from sex then it might be just that she doesn't fancy you anymore. Sometimes in cases like this the partner that doesn't want it just drifts along, assuming it isn't that big a deal. If you want things to get better i think you need to tell your wife that regular sex is important to you and if its not going to happen then that is a deal breaker for you. If she wants to stay together maybe you can discuss how you can both make things better, but she needs to understand how important it is to you.

It is an overly simplistic and disrespectful view, you are right. However I don't think OP is a raving misogynist. I think this has little or nothing to do with his wife losing interest in sex.

I didn't say he was a raving misogynist. Weird response.

The words he used showed, to me, that there is an imbalance in the way he views how sex works for men and women.

Women cannot just have sex "on demand" as he puts it. They do not "hold all the power", quite the reverse is true of that one. And there are many relationships where it is the man who loses interest in sex.

But anyway, this indicator of his attitude would suggest to me that he has a similar attitude about other things. As I said, it's not attractive.

Well ‘those’ websites aren’t only a money making places. They do exist and they do serve a purpose.
I have used them and have met and spoken to many people on there.
And for some - leaving a marriage due to the lack of sex isn’t what they want. And many spouses don’t want to, or can’t change their libido. And they shouldn’t be forced to, really.

Of course - it’s be more honest to ask for an open relationship. But most people aren’t built this way, most wont be able to deal with it. So - doing it discretely works for some and preserves families.

I personality have been on both sides of that story. I was the W who lost her libido and had a frustrated unhappy H. And I really wished he’d just let me be and find someone else who can fill that need for him.
And then later on - when it was back but the relationship was too broken - I needed something to keep me sane while making it possible to stay in the marriage. Websites ‘like that’ helped at that time.
They derive a purpose.

OP - it’s highly unlikely your W would get her libido back - as you said it was an issue even prior to children.
The sooner you face that reality the better.
What you do is up to you.
You can chose to not have sex, you already accepted it, mostly anyway. But it must be your own choice.

Kids grow up and leave home, then what ?. Short term there’s probably not a lot you can do but you need to look medium / long term. If you feel that your marriage is not working for you , and there is nothing wrong with wanting a close and meaningful physical relationship, then you need to come up with plan B. Once you have come to that decision in your own mind then you will find it easier to look to the future in a more positive way. Everybody has the right to find happiness and fulfilment. Don’t be a pedestrian in your own marriage. Embrace life and find passion and meaning. This site is full of women who are proud to have done just that.

Maybe have a serious conversation with her - if it is other things getting in the way, maybe you can make your life simpler? Maybe cook simpler meals so that it’s not so much work. Get the kids to do fewer activities? Maybe in order for her to be in a right frame, she needs you to do more than 50% of housework/school stuff? Could either of you consider scaling back work commitments to help your marriage (though it is a risk - because you will be in worse positions if you do end up splitting)?

It’s not fair on her to cheat. Better to talk about how you are feeling and split first if nothing can be done.

There's some thoughtful and helpful replies on here op but my god this thread is heaving with the usual Mumsnet double standards!
Your replies would have been almost 100% sympathetic if you were female op