Sexless Marriage

[marky19791]

I’m a married man in my early 40s with two kids, 7 and 10. Since starting a family sex has been rare and in the last few years often several months pass with nothing at all.

I love my wife and she says she loves me but has time for work and the children but is exhausted after that so sex is a low priority. I don’t expect it all the time and understand it is different for women for various reasons.

But it does seem unfair that I have to suffer and my wife doesn’t consider my feelings at all. She says she likes sex when it happens but can’t really be bothered most the time. Obviously women hold all the power in this regard as they can have it on demand but I feel so frustrated I am going mad.

I don’t want to cheat as I value my family too much and couldn’t bear hurting my wife.

But I am at my wits end. What do people do in this situation?

Other than when we first met, sex has been a once every couple of weeks thing pre kids and virtually nothing more recently

No one else has mentioned this part of your post but I think it's really important. Your OP makes it sound like it's a problem that has started due to kids/growing older but in fact it's always been there. Your wife has never really been interested in sex. You can't get back a spark you never had.

This is tough, I'm in the same situation. My husband isn't interested at all in sex, the first few years he would be willing every few weeks but now nothing. But I have to take responsibility for the fact that I knew this going in to the marriage and before having kids. I went ahead anyway. And I think you maybe have to think about this as well.

I've decided that in my case there's enough other good things that I can stay. You might decide differently though and that's fair.

I understand there are cases where a wife wants sex more than a woman but this is surely a small minority?

Not a good choice of words on my part, over simplifying for the purpose of a brief post so I apologise for the impression.

But I don’t think there’s any real doubt that on average men seek sex more than women do. Hence the imbalance.

1300cakes

I think you make a very good point. It’s just that less than you’d like is easier to handle than virtually nothing!

I will likely make the same choice as you for the same kind of reasons

And the best of luck

I think if she doesn't ant sex more than three times a year you are in right to feel you deserve a full adult relationship. I don't think it's wrong in this context to let her know you want a sexual relationship and that might mean your relationship is doomed if she doesn't want one. It's a bit unreasonable to expect anyone to only have sex three times a year with their partner FFS

If my husband only wanted sex three times a year I'd be asking him if he was OK with me getting it elsewhere.
I'd be honest and ask.

It's just as common, from my experience for men not to want to have sex. There are many women living in sexless or sexually frustrating relationships. Also, many women may have a healthy libido but not want sex with their partner who just may not be very good at it. They may no longer be attracted to their partner through resentment or weight gain for example.

You seem to have a very simplified view of sex. Man want sex. Woman no want sex. Man want sex. Man light candles, cook microwave meal, she still no like. Man confused.

Relationships and sexual relationships, are far more nuanced than that.

@12345kbm

Good point, well made.

I'll also add that the general theme is that is the woman wants more sex than the man, it's the man'a fault. If the man wants more sex than the woman, it's the man's fault.

At least that's what it appears to be in the main from what I read.

My husband isn't interested in sex at all. I'm early thirties, 2 kids.

It's more common than people think.

12345
I don’t think as simply as that, just suggesting that on average men want sex more. It would seem quite a few people have had the opposite experience. Maybe part of the problem is men don’t talk about these things.

I think it's stupidly simplistic and offensive to presume men are walking penises who want sex all the time. People go off sex...?men and women
I find it offensive that some have suggested women need seducing with my partner doing extra house work and 'warming me up' with wine ... frigging hell is it still 1955?
Some women like sex ... they can say yes or no if they don't want it.
To treat women like little girls who need seducing and cajoling is a very very dangerous path.
Ask your partner if she wants to have a regular sexual relationship that isn't based on her 'doing you a favour ' but in passion and intimacy.
If not tell her you think that what you want and it's making you terrible unhappy because you desire and miss her body.

Another here who's Dh has lost interest.

I've lost weight, so don't think it's that I'm unattractive to him.
Our kids are late teens to early twenties.
He just can't be bothered this is what he tells me.

I know for a fact that it isn't some one else, as I can go to his place of work at ANY time, he'll be there. He works hard, a Work-a-holic if you like, and won't/doesn't want to change..

I also think he maybe slightly depressed but he won't go to see the doctor.
It's been 3-4 yrs now. We don't go out as couple any more, as he can't be bothered, so I go out with my friends.

We still laugh and joke together, he is a good husband and I love him.

Wearywithteens

He's already waited ten years, how much longer do you suggest?

It's so funny, when women post these threads they are always encouraged to leave or have an affair, that the withdrawal of not only sex but intimacy and affection is cruel and that they shouldn't put up with it. (There's an active one now where the dh has a mental illness), yet when it's a man posting he gets comments like "getting his willy wet" or just masturbate. How come women aren't told to do the same?

Hearhooves ... I don't think he should wait any longer ... I think you're right ... ask her if there's a place in their relationship for regular loving sex... if not then she needs to accept that for him it's a part of a loving relationship and maybe they're not compatible any more.
Just because she does care, doesn't mean his wants and needs are secondary.

I think it's unfair to state that a majority of posts are double standards - most posters, including me have said that if his wife doesn't want sex anymore he should discuss it and if it still doesn't change to consider leaving. I would say the same to a woman poster. I feel for the OP, I think sex is a really important part of a relationship and if one person isn't fulfilled then it is a perfectly valid reason to leave.

I think there are many reasons but here is my personal take (2nd marriage and now in late 50s) fine till I had my son , then working full time again with a 3 month old for years and dealing with all the droppings off, picking ups plus a stressful business took it out of me, that then followed on with a hard work teenager , still a stressful job and then straight into peri menopause and menopause- by the time I came out of this maybe 2 years ago, I simply don’t feel the same on that level mentally , I have lost interest in it. Strangely I quite like giving bjs etc , I just don’t like being touched much myself. Mixed in with this stuff other life stuff gets in the way and there’s an emotional affair and a cracking porn habit , both on his side (he keeps the porn thing hidden , but I do know) and my head has simply switched off that ‘mode’ I couldn’t say if it’s totally because of him , as he has many good qualities or if I would be like that with anyone . Pretty sure one day he will leave due to frustration or I will due to pressure to feel that way , simply because I can’t switch on that mode again mentally. I think OP you have to take a look at your wife’s life and if it’s pretty jam packed then she too may mentally have switched off that mode, I’m afraid it is pretty common in longer relationships, more often the woman but sometimes the man and you have to decide exactly how much it matters to you as it may not come back regardless of what you do , decide if it’s just the sex or if it’s general loving behaviour you feel is lacking.

So much of your post sounds familiar (the parts about your life as opposed to your husband). I really feel for you. Thanks for sharing.

tarasmalata I think its probably incorrect to blame being too busy on losing interest. Plenty of very busy people meet and fall in love. I think its just the passage of time and over familiarity. Although you also seem to be blaming your husband's porn habit, which seems a bit unfair. And his emotional affair, which seems fair, depending on what happened exactly. Have you told him you have zero interest in sex with him, and never will have again?

No one is saying cheating is a good idea.

To the poster who said, 'can't you just masterbate'. It is not the same in anyway shape it form- what a stupid thing yo say. It scratches an itch, but certainly doesnt cover, closeness, desire, affection, lust, passion - the list goes on.

Its really bloody hard, but it boils down to can you continue this way until you die or is this a part of your life you aren't prepared to give up on?

Grendlsmother -

I think it's stupidly simplistic and offensive to presume men are walking penises who want sex all the time. People go off sex...?men and women
I find it offensive that some have suggested women need seducing with my partner doing extra house work and 'warming me up' with wine ... frigging hell is it still 1955?
Some women like sex ... they can say yes or no if they don't want it.
To treat women like little girls who need seducing and cajoling is a very very dangerous path.

You're right. At least, in an ideal scenario where both partners have a functioning libido somewhere within striking distance of each other's, you're right. I think the problem is with situations such as those alluded to by both the OP and a few others here, where one partner really just isn't that interested in sex even at the best of times.

In those situations, the whole relationship can be predicated on a degree of one partner just "going along with it" for the sake of the other. That's not always a bad thing. Sometimes it's actively enjoyable for them and a mutual bonding experience once it happens, it's just not something they'd ever think to initiate. It's certainly difficult to imagine how marriage and LTRs could survive as a widespread institution without it, given that when deciding on a long term partner there are so many factors to try and get right. Where everything else is great, it's natural to accept "close enough" when it comes to one factor (sex, or anything else) that isn't quite.

I think our hypersexualised media-driven society probably has a lot to answer for here, as it gives out the message that if everything's OK, OF COURSE everybody wants sex all the time. When people then start finding it less of a vaguely pleasant bonding experience and more of an actively unpleasant chore (or they just get bored of it, or whatever) the immediate reaction is then to look for behavioural factors in the relationship that must be causing that.

Thing is, for all the threads here (and there are many) in which women who don't want sex are told it must be because their husband doesn't do enough housework, I don't think I've ever once read an update in which someone came back and said: "Hey, it worked! DH now does the dishes every night, hoovers twice a week and covers the school run, and Oh My God it's made me so horny I can't resist jumping his bones every chance I get!"

Some people don't want sex with their partners because they've gone off them. I doubt that's because of household chore distribution as much as people think, though. Some people however just don't want sex, or don't want it much.

@FifteenToesThing is, for all the threads here (and there are many) in which women who don't want sex are told it must be because their husband doesn't do enough housework, I don't think I've ever once read an update in which someone came back and said: "Hey, it worked! DH now does the dishes every night, hoovers twice a week and covers the school run, and Oh My God it's made me so horny I can't resist jumping his bones every chance I get!"

I think you've hit the mail on the head with that one.

I also will add that when the sex drives are the other way round and the it is the woman who wants more sex, the problem never goes away if the man isn't pulling his weight.

To all the women who are frustrated at the lack of sex, are we to say that in each of the those cases, it's because the man is doing his bit?

I think the housework/mental load can be a bit of a red herring, used to try and overcome the lack of overall desire on the woman's part in an attempt to woo and earn sex. As you state, does the man suddenly pulling his weight change things more often than not? I predict no.

I think the housework/mental load can be a bit of a red herring, used to try and overcome the lack of overall desire on the woman's part in an attempt to woo and earn sex.

I think that's exactly what it is. It's a way for some posters to place the blame on the man, no matter what the circumstances.

In the case of this op, it's very clear that he's in an abusive relationship has now been coerced into removing his fertility and yet some posters were very happy to bully him into doing it or to be the one at fault here.

In the case of this op, it's very clear that he's in an abusive relationship has now been coerced into removing his fertility and yet some posters were very happy to bully him into doing it or to be the one at fault here

Apologies. I got my threads confused and this doesn't relate at all to this thread or this op.

Ignore that part of my post.

If it’s any consolation, I can confidently say that woman do not always hold the power in these situations!

I used to think I did until I met the man I’m with now! I posted about this myself a couple of months ago as I was unsure what to do and whether to stay with him. To be fair things have improved slightly but still not to the standard I would hope.

What’s difficult for me if that I’ve never been with a man who hasn’t had a high sex drive. Normally I’m the one being pestered and having to refuse! So this makes me feel extremely unattractive if a MAN doesn’t want me!

Anyway, just wanted to say you are not alone!

@EmmieG11.

Good point. That feeling of not being desired and unattractive is what a lot of men feel, a lot of the time. I certainly do and I'm not afraid to admit it.