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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married & left with unborn child

83 replies

mysha98 · 07/05/2020 18:53

Hi guys

Pls tell me if I've done the right thing or not..

The past two days myself and a good friend of mine have been trying to get in contact with my ex that had an arranged marriage behind my back.

My ex got married we never spoke for a good few months then we got back together as I was informed he had left her we slept together and I end up pregnant.

He then disappears and I find out he's still with his wife.. months go on and I try to get in contact with him but he doesn't acknowledge my presence one bit. His phrase was "silence is power"

So yesterday I have been trying to contact him and so has my friend as he really wanted this baby and promised he'd be in the child's life. I contacted him on insta and after I've sent him messages all he's done is block me so I tried to contact him through my friend and he done the same to her.

We contacted his wife on insta aswell as she knows he cheated on her in the past but my friend and myself have just been blocked time and again from the wife too. Now the wife isn't from the Uk. She's from Iraq and he's told me she doesn't know English that well and from her bio I can kind of see that and I believe he's just made up loads of lies about me and made me out to be a psycho.

I tried messaging his wife today on another account just to speak to my ex about his child and I've been blocked each time within a few mins..

I just need advice and please be nice but be brutally honest.

OP posts:
TeddyBeans · 07/05/2020 18:58

Stop trying to involve someone that doesn't want to be involved. He might crawl out of the woodwork in a few months/years time so deal with it then

Chiyo666 · 07/05/2020 18:59

Leave his poor wife alone!

TinRoofRusty · 07/05/2020 19:00

Move on! Stop contacting this guy. He doesn't want to be with you. Don't put his name on the birth certificate, don't give the baby his surname (well, you can't actually because you're unmarried and if you are unmarried the man who to go along to be included on the birth certificate). Personally, I'd terminate if I could if I were you. He doesn't want to be with you. Stop stalking him and his wife.

You are stalking these people, you and this friend. Stop it!

Azadewow · 07/05/2020 19:01

Unfortunately you can't make him talk to you if he doesn't want to. You need to stop trying to contact them before they report you to the police for harassment.
Once baby is born, go to csa and make a case for child maintenance. If you really want to try once again, send him a pic of baby once born. Maybe once he sees the baby he will change his mind, but it looks unlikely.

Most important, work on accepting that you are doing it alone and he isn't interested in his child,as devastating as that may be for you.

I am sorry this has happened to you and keep strong.
Silence is power, so stop giving him the power x

Elephantonascooter · 07/05/2020 19:01

He may have made you out to be a psycho but that's possibly because you're behaving like one?! Making up various instagram profiles to message the wife of the man you slept with who clearly wants nothing to do with you, despite her speaking little to no English? That's crazy.
You need to take step back and read the situation

LouHotel · 07/05/2020 19:05

They will absolutely have you on harassment if you continues.

I'm sorry your in this situation but all you can do now is plan to raise your child alone and contact cms for maintenance when the baby is born. He is telling you who he is and what his priorities are, if he wants to be in your babies life he'll make himself known but frankly why would you want him in his childs life?

Thingsdogetbetter · 07/05/2020 19:11

Just stop! He lied about getting married. He lied about leaving his wife. He lied about wanting to be in your child's life! He knows how to find you if he does want contact. He knows how long a pregnanvy is, so he knows you've had the baby. He very obviously doesn't want to be your child's life. I'm not sure how he could make that any clearer.

Isn't his blocking you multiple times enough proof that he's not interested? What are you expecting contact to do? That he will suddenly step up because he saw a message? That she'll force him to step up? Or leave him and he'll come running back to be a father?

Not going to happen. He's blocked and blocked. It's a clear fuck off I'm not interest from the lying bastard who used you for sex. It's not some romantic tale where you two soul mates were forced apart by cultural differences! So just stop as you're coming across as naive and deluded.

Put in an immediate claim for child support (I bet he crawls out of the woodwork to try and sucker you out of that!).

missyB1 · 07/05/2020 19:11

Good grief what are you doing?? Stop chasing a married man who has made it crystal clear he doesn’t want anything more to do with you. He never left his wife and you were just a bit on the side. Yes he’s a shameful cheating fucker who needs to be made to financially support the child he created - so do get that sorted 100%.

But he’s not going to be in this child’s life or your life, he’s had what he wanted from you. Accept that.

Ginger1982 · 07/05/2020 19:17

You need to leave her alone. She's the wronged party in all of this.

NoMoreDickheads · 07/05/2020 19:20

Don't bother with him- get the hint. Every time you try and contact him and he snubs you you're being hurt. So don't bother- he's crap anyway. I mean 'silence is power'= what a pretentious, egotistical wanker, massive liar and completely selfish too. You don't owe him any favours, he clearly isn't interested, and your child (and you) would be better without this arsehole in your lives.

couchlover · 07/05/2020 19:22

Your thread title is all wrong. You had an affair with a married man and got pregnant. Your titled indicates YOU married, got pregnant and was left alone.

Leave his wife alone and stop bothering this poor woman.

Once baby is born log a claim for child support but as this man clearly doesn't want anything to do with your child. Hopefully he will change his mind for your childs sake but he may not.

Please leave this woman alone before she calls the police. Isn't it bad enough ypu slept with her husband without harassing her?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/05/2020 19:25

Stalking his poor wife is absolutely deplorable. They call you a psycho because you're acting like one.

pooopypants · 07/05/2020 19:27

Good god, leave the poor woman alone!!

As PP have said - don't put his name on the birth certificate, but file for maintenence.

You need to find the strength to do this alone OP, though you haven't said how far along you are. Would you be considering a termination? You sound like you need this dickhead in your life - the truth is the complete opposite. You're better off without someone who lies so easily.

LouHotel · 07/05/2020 19:29

I think OP is trying to contact because she's had the baby. Just something posters should keep in mind before calling her psycho.

Don't agree with contacting the wife but I wasnt myself when I had a newborn.

NoMoreDickheads · 07/05/2020 19:37

Your thread title is all wrong. You had an affair with a married man and got pregnant. Your titled indicates YOU married, got pregnant and was left alone

@couchlover That isn't really fair, as he deceived OP and told her he was no longer with his wife, or he split with the wife for a while then left OP pregnant and got back with his wife.

OP is mostly claiming she wants to get in touch with him as he claimed he wanted to be in touch with the baby, though I'm sure she also feels shocked and let down.

@LouHotel I don't think we know that. I got the impression OP hadn't had the baby yet.

Porcupineinwaiting · 07/05/2020 19:38

Stop trying to drag this tosser into your child's life. It's bad enough that you've chosen a total shit as your baby daddy, the least you can do now is try and keep him far away from your innocent child as possible before he starts messing it about too.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 07/05/2020 19:39

OP I'm guessing you're 21 or 22? You have been stunningly naive about this man and I wouldn't be surprised to learn he's quite a bit older than you.

we got back together as I was informed he had left her

Informed by whom? Him? IME men who are happy enough to meet family expectations by having an arranged marriage are unlikely to then flout those expectations by leaving. Far easier to pull the wool over some young woman's eyes, then when shit goes south (because he thinks he shouldn't have to take responsibility for contraception because why should he) he walks away and leaves said young woman up shit creek. And not only does she not have a paddle, but he's on the river bank throwing turds at her to try to stop her getting in contact.

How far along are you? I'm assuming you haven't yet had the child judging by your thread title. Do you have support from your family? You're going to get fuck all involvement from him, although you will be able to claim maintenance for the child which can be deducted via his employer if he won't come to a voluntary arrangement.

edwinbear · 07/05/2020 19:40

OP he wants nothing to do with your or the baby. He’s lied to you and his wife numerous times so why would you believe him when he said he wanted to be in your DC’s life? You can’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

TinRoofRusty · 07/05/2020 19:45

I think OP is trying to contact because she's had the baby.

She says 'unborn child'. She's stalking this married bloke and his wife and needs to stop.

Usersafe4 · 07/05/2020 19:45

Firstly, stop messaging the wife.

Secondly, he knows you pregnant and if he wanted to be involved he would be.

Thirdly, no matter how hard it is to hear you were a piece on the side, probably one of many and he's lied to you. So forget about him and raise your baby the best way you can. You will find someone decent who loves you and treats you with respect but you need to love and respect yourself first.

Original poster
mysha98 · 07/05/2020 19:52

I'm 21 and he's 26. I know I was very stupid to have a child with him yet alone believe that he left his wife but the fact that he spoke so badly about her made me believe he had.

I've got no family support and he wanted to get me pregnant from the very first moment we started dating.

My friend and myself contacted the wife as he's one of them controlling men who you have to ask to do anything and he has his wife's socials.

I will just leave them be now though as I really don't want to get in trouble for harassment and it's mentally draining

OP posts:
Usersafe4 · 07/05/2020 19:55

Why are you trying to get hold of him?

I am sorry it is so crap but it will make you a stronger person in the long run.

PrayingandHoping · 07/05/2020 19:56

I think u need stand back a moment and work out what u are trying to achieve from contacting him?

1.... that he will leave his wife and come back to u?

2.... he will be involved with his child?

3..... he will give u money for the child?

4.... because u can't let go and trying to cause an issue in their marriage?

I would hope it's not 4 but some People are like that

The answer to 1 is he's not going to and u really don't want to be in a relationship with someone like him op

2 and 3 are genuine but it doesn't sound like he is going to do this at the moment. You best bet is cms for now when baby arrives

LouHotel · 07/05/2020 19:59

You don't want a controlling man in your life. I know it seems like you need his help right now but from the sounds of it he will bring you nothing but problems. Let him be a ghost of your past.

Focus on you and your baby, make sure you access any help you are eligible for such as healthy start. Talk to your midwife about your concerns and lack of support so they can put a plan in place to help you.

ElectricTonight · 07/05/2020 20:00

So sorry this happened to you OP Thanks

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