Married & left with unborn child

[mysha98]

Hi guys

Pls tell me if I've done the right thing or not..

The past two days myself and a good friend of mine have been trying to get in contact with my ex that had an arranged marriage behind my back.

My ex got married we never spoke for a good few months then we got back together as I was informed he had left her we slept together and I end up pregnant.

He then disappears and I find out he's still with his wife.. months go on and I try to get in contact with him but he doesn't acknowledge my presence one bit. His phrase was "silence is power"

So yesterday I have been trying to contact him and so has my friend as he really wanted this baby and promised he'd be in the child's life. I contacted him on insta and after I've sent him messages all he's done is block me so I tried to contact him through my friend and he done the same to her.

We contacted his wife on insta aswell as she knows he cheated on her in the past but my friend and myself have just been blocked time and again from the wife too. Now the wife isn't from the Uk. She's from Iraq and he's told me she doesn't know English that well and from her bio I can kind of see that and I believe he's just made up loads of lies about me and made me out to be a psycho.

I tried messaging his wife today on another account just to speak to my ex about his child and I've been blocked each time within a few mins..

I just need advice and please be nice but be brutally honest.

OP, he isn't interested. He has used you and dumped you aside. He probably doesn't want to be involved as his family knowing he has impregnated you will bring shame on them.
Contact CMS when your baby is born and accept you are in this alone.

Even if he left his wife and came back to you he would hardly be a prize catch. Your best bet is to assume he is not going to be in your life and make plans accordingly.

Pursue him for maintenance but accept he will never be a father.

Why are you harassing his wife? Neither are interested. If you want CSA, not sure how it works if he is out of the country, go through the official route. Stop contacting them

He doesn't sound like right now he would be a good father figure. It's hard as I can see this is not how u planned it but a stable home is the most important thing for a child than a father who is not committed and flits in and out

I don't understand why from the start of the relationship you would try and get pregnant with this man. Just because he said let's do it you could have said no.

I guess I was just so adamant about my child having both parents around

To do this...you should aim to have a loving stable relationship, trusting before you try for a baby.

It is what it is now and at least you know where you stand. That means you have 4 months to try to prepare yourself for having your baby on your own and being in a good place to start motherhood. It will be easier for you in the long run if you try to leave him alone. You’ve done everything you can , it will be better for you and the baby not to have this kind of stress in your life. Start looking forward to the baby. good luck

This man is obviously a very good liar, he had a wife and at least one girlfriend on the go. I doubt it was even an arranged marriage it was probably just a sob story he told the OP so she had to be kept secret.

I think PPs saying it is her fault and she shouldn't have gotten pregnant with him etc yes it is her fault but he obviously lied to her to make her believe that they were going to be together and become a family.

He just wanted to go in bareback, who has a baby with a woman he’s just met?.

You only know what he’s told you, we’ve all had men try to bullshit us.

My goodness me. OP you sound extremely naive. Poor you.
Where will your dc be when you're earning your steady income?! I feel so sorry for you.
This is a disaster in the making. A dc should be brought into this world once you're ready financially and mature enough to raise one.
I think you'll be on a very step learning curve for both attributes.
Leave this man alone. He's now both g to do with you or your unborn dc right now. That's not your fault but it's obvious to anyone mature enough that you've been utterly used and thrown out afterwards.
Start planning the childcare you'll need after baby here and gaining as much of a support network as you can.

Nothing to do with you*

Take him to court to get CMS .. pls leave his wife alone ..

I would stop attempting to contact either of them. Go to CMS for payments. Remember that this is not someone who sounds as if they will be a good father figure to your child even if he is the biological father. Give your child your surname. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and having your baby.

STOP contacting him and his wife for your own sanity and to stop yourself from getting a police record. He is a slimy two faced snake who has no respect for you or his wife. Look after yourself if you have your baby it needs you to be the best mum you can be. Go through the proper channels for child support etc. You've had a lucky escape though you might not feel like that. I feel sorry for his wife, she is married to a two faced slimy shagger. Poor woman leave her alone she is a victim also.

Is he really the kind of man you want to be an influence in your child's life so much that you'll chase him to be present?

He has rights as a father legally but fuck me, from what you've said about him on here I think him not being interested is the best thing for you and baby because he isn't going to be a positive influence in either of your lives.

You're so, so young and this has been a trauma for you. Chin up and stop focusing on this man - if he wanted to be involved he would be.

Enjoy your baby and the freedom of raising them without an abusive compulsive liar living with you both

Surely this POS is not going to be a positive influence on your child's life? Nor yours! Count your blessings and hope he stays away :)

Gosh, some people are really mean. You're pregnant and want to know more about the father who made you promises. Totally reasonable.

However, would advise you leave well alone. He doesn't sound like he will bring you happiness. But, he should give you maintenance.

Its hard and hurts now but honestly, you'll do better without him muddying yours and your child's life.

Use this experience to realise and remember not to just trust what you’ve been told. Men will say anything to get a leg over. He saw you were vulnerable and he’s exploited it. He’s not going to leave his wife. It’s an arranged marriage and will always come first. He will sleep with lots of other women though and his wife will know and turn a blind eye. She’s got what she wants which is into the country. She will have children now and probably keep going until she has a boy. You really need to educate yourself on how those relationships work and realise in their opinion you’re nothing and a piece of useable trash. You are better than that. You deserve better. He’s probably got other women pregnant too. This won’t be the first time. They don’t have the same values as you. You don’t want them in your child’s life anyway because they won’t hold a high opinion of you or the child. You have to realise that as he’s likely to try and come back at some point with a sob story when he wants sex, probably when his wife is heavily pregnant or just given birth and he’s not getting any at home. You need to be prepared and ready to tell him to go F himself and not let him in your life/bed again. He will lie and hound you. I’d recommend getting help to build your self esteem. This must be so hard for you. He saw you were vulnerable with no family support and used you. Build up your friendships and reach out to your midwife.

You've had a lucky escape, you need to be strong now for you and your baby. Speaking from similar experience, your better off without him and don't ever let him or anyone tell you otherwise. You can be the best mother and father to that baby and you don't need him.

How old were you when you met him?
Did he marry in Iraq and bring his wife here?
How old is she?
When you met him where were you living?

I work with victims of CSE, mostly in care, but not all. I am concerned you were vulnerable, without parents, and met this man at a young age and have been abused and manipulated by him. I meet many many women in their late teens/early 20s who do not understand they were groomed and abused. Many are in your exact situation. Not all men who groom are part of gangs and work in take aways etc. If you feel this may be the case please send me a pm or ask on this thread and I will link you in with support for you and your child.

I would strongly urge you not to put him on the birth certificate and file a maintenance claim. I would not contact him again.

Health visitor here who works in Children’s Safeguarding.
Please do not put this man on your child’s birth certificate. The risk if you do is a life of abuse and control through your child. This man may periodically return to you when it suits him. He will leave a trail of destruction in yours and your child’s life. Your child is likely to be adversely affected by having an abusive parent. It may prove difficult for you to prevent your child from adopting some of these behaviours as he models his fathers or she models yours. I know it’s hard but pull up the drawbridge and give yourself and your child a lucky swerve from this abusive man

Get child support from him, and then move on. He is a worthless liar who will ruin your life the moment you let him back.
You are a great mum, you have your friends to support you, you are going to be just fine

You can’t force him into a relationship with his child, but you can seek child maintenance when the baby is born so he can’t walk away from his responsibilities entirely. You need to prioritise yourself and your child and chasing after a married man who doesn’t want you is only going to end in tears - yours.