When I LTB...

[PickledLilly]

I’m currently in a relationship I’m planning on ending but stuck because of lockdown. To while away the hours, I’m playing a game of ‘when I LTB’ in my head. Every time he does something that annoys me, I smile sweetly and think to myself ‘when I LTB, I will/won’t do x’ it’s very therapeutic!

Lighthearted, anyone can join in, whether you’re planning on leaving, already left or love him really but are eyeing up the patio and wondering how big a hole you’d need to dig because you’re stuck in the house with him and he’s annoying you.

Some of mine are:
When I LTB I’m going to sleep diagonally across my bed and it have to listen to anyone snoring. I’m going to have control of my own TV remote and I’m mostly going to use it to turn the damn thing off. I’m going to be able to make some cheap easy dinners without complaints that unless there’s a load of meat in it, it’s not proper food. Oh and my food bills will massively decrease without him eating everything in sight!

I think I'm going to stash some Ikea gift cards as and when I can, so I can replace things and don't have to ask to take stuff.

My ex used to refuse to do any housework because apparently the mess was mine. It was weird that as soon as he'd gone the house stayed tidy!

@GinisLife
A gradual thing in my case over years, in as much as more and more has been added on, BUT looking back the red flags were there right from the start. I then made the mistake of thinking I could change him. They don't change.

Ginislife don't feel sad for me honestly, I am actually very empowered these days and it feels good! Post LTB life is looking good for me.

And yes as others have said, it's gradual, you dismiss red flag moments as a young in love naive person, or at least I did.

@vintagevixen. I'm guessing you won't make the same mistake again ? I guess age and maturity also help You're better placed to recognise the red flags now.

It’s a combination of things, naïveté in thinking they will change, the fact that you never know quite what an arsehole a man is until you have kids with him and by then you’ve massively disadvantaged yourself financially. I’m ten years into this relationship and realistically, I’ve wanted to leave for a long time but it has taken courage and planning and saving to make it happen and I’ve just had to live with it.

Since I LTB i can walk around my house without my eyes cast downward as I don't have to avoid confrontation. I can go to bed early, wake up and/or have a lie in unmolested, eat what I fancy for tea without a major strop if it's not a 'proper meal', speak to whom I like on the phone for as long as I want, ditto go out with friends(pre covid obviously) watch what I like on telly, discipline the children on a non dramatic way that doesn't lead to weeks of conflict, spend money in items of my choosing without judgement. Oh, and I get every other weekend to myself.
No downside at all for me

I must just add no downside since we sorted the finances & legal stuff out. That bit was shit but oh so worth it..

Before I ltb, I used to walk around the house mentally listing all the things he would have to take with him. I planned how I was going to use the extra space, particularly in the wardrobe.

I also looked forward to not stepping in his piss on the floor in the bathroom and being able to sit in the sitting room in the evening rather than hide away in the bedroom whilst he was downstairs.

Now the sound of a key in the door isn't something to fear.

There are so many ways that my life is better now. Everyday of lockdown I thank god that I am not doing this with him still here!

Gin, no I won't ever make the same mistake again, I am a very different person. In fact I think I will never live with a man again, I love having my own space. It's bliss.

I have also obv had time to think through why this happened and realise my mistakes e.g. when XP got rat arsed when he met my parents for the first time. I dismissed it as "having a good time, a little slip up" etc. In fact it was a red flag for long term alcohol misuse, I was too naive to flag it. They won't be repeated.

As OP said problems are really put under a microscope when you have kids, and end up putting your financial independence etc at risk (I kept working thank god, not sure where I would've been if not.)

DD will be getting a LOT of lessons from me re relationships when the time comes!

I look forward to not giving a shit that I am aware he is cracking off to lesbian porn the minute I am out the house most days (he doesn’t know I know) , may not bother others, bothers me and hence I am not interested . I look forward to going to bed when I want and not because he’s switched the TV and lights off and said bed time, I look forward to not having to get in the car and listen to constant ranting about other drivers, or being told ‘we aren’t drinking tonight’ (meaning both of us ) or getting impatient and commenting!if I’m looking at my iPad in an evening , whereas it’s 100% fine when he does it. These things creep up to be honest over many years , I don’t think he genuinely realises how controlling and often aggressive he has become because he was actually a very bohemian guy when we met but now gets really arsey if I say ‘who made you the boss’ . On the plus side he’s very clean, not bad looking at all, earns well and is hard working and intelligent and can be very funny. There is no hate or anything, and I do care about him, I just genuinely don’t like living with him much and I can only see his habits getting worse. He does know he has a temper problem, stops for a bit and then comes back just as bad.

I've LTB, it's bliss!
It's amazing !
Never felt more free.
I can do as I please , my children are happier !
Win win

BEFORE you LTB you can start to take pleasure in not bothering to clear up after him/keep the place nice/do the mental load for him. This is assuming you will be doing the physical leaving.

After I LTB kicked the B out, I found it blissful to come home after a stressful day to an empty house, exactly as I left it, and not have to be met with a barrage of excuses and whingeing.

Yes, unfortunately I will be the one doing the leaving. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with that but once I started seeing my nice house as a gilded cage forcing me to stay, it lost its power. I’m going to walk away from this relationship with very little to show for the last ten years apart from my kids but I’ve come to terms with that. It’s just stuff and it’s not stuff that makes you happy.

When I LTB I am going to shop in Ikea and buy what I want without him moaning about how cheep and crap it is, and having stuff around without the reminders (said in a "joking way") that they are his 😤

The narcoleptic tendencies. I’m not going to miss that. He didn’t get up until mid morning, we’ve gone for one short walk, eaten dinner (takeaway of course as nothing I offered to cook would do) then he’s insisted we watch a film as a family and promptly nodded off

@VimtoCordial I found the exact same thing to be true when TB left me! My flat was exceptionally tidy with minimal effort (have a tiny human so it was never gonna be perfect)

I had no idea he was unhappy when he left, and I also didn't realise how unhappy he'd made me. The weight lifted, my home environment became so much calmer and happier and DS and I have a wonderful life with noone putting us down with their narcissistic tendencies

When I LTB I’m looking forward to sleeping alone and not having to share a bed with someone who skips showers and snores his head off.

I’m looking forward to returning home and finding my house as clean and tidy as I left it. I want an organised, clean house once more - not one with his piles of crap everywhere.

I’m looking forward to being able to give the dog a cuddle without being called “weird” and him trying to make me feel guilty that I’m not showering him with affection instead.

I’m looking forward to no stress, no walking on eggshells wondering what his mood will be, no gaslighting, no EA, no stepchildren or their mother and no MIL (FIL is lovely).

I’ll be able to eat what I want, when I want. Any treats I buy myself will still be there (unless DD finds it ).

I’ll be able to take charge of my own finances.

I can watch what I like on TV or chill on the sofa without him sat next to me picking his nose and feet, flicking his findings on the carpet every 5 minutes!!!!

"How does it come to this ? Did none of you realise these men were so gross before you married them ? Or do they develop into this as time passes ?"
I'm 51 and have seen many men (my friends' and my own) develop into slobs who can't live if it's not in front of a television with food and drinks within reach. They don't do anything but moan, find fault with us women and let slip al that falls under personal hygiene.
I left one of the specimen two weeks ago: manipulative, shouting for nothing, lack of hygiene and (he's a dentist), stingy whilst being extremely wealthy (looking for the "out of date" foods, eating mouldy oranges because they're paid for), critical of everything that is not his, going on about cycling and cyclists, always trying to look more intelligent than he is,...
A good thing I have my own house (which he didn't want to come to because "I have too many objects") and just spent most of my free time at his dirty place which he wanted me to clean for free, whereas I do not even clean at home because I have a cleaner.
All the same, I just don't putr up with it any more.
Good luck, once you're rid of him you'll be able to breathe again.

I feel so disheartened. From what the government are saying, I’m going to be stuck here until at least July. I just want to move on with my life now. I’m dreading telling him I’m leaving so it’s all hanging over me and I’m living in limbo.

If you're in the UK you're allowed to move house.

When I left the bitch there was no more jealous remarks about women in my life before we were together. There was no more piles of washing up left all day even though she'd had the day off. There were no more unexplained withdrawals taken out of my bank account to pay off her Dads Bill's. There were no more long silences or 'I saw you looking at her' comments when there was no one there. It was like coming out of the rain in to the sunshine.

Unfortunately in my specific circumstances, I can’t move until lockdown lifts.

I left 6 weeks ago. I'm currently at my mams and saving to find my own place. I've got a list of everything I want to buy and it's so nice knowing no one is going to say no. I am also not on eggshells and wondering what mood he is in (I am still getting the moods though but over text so can ignore). I'm not being blamed for all his inadequacies in life. It's the not walking on eggshells part that is amazing so far

Pickled - don't be too disheartened. You've got through ten years, you can do another couple of months. I'm not being flippant saying that, I know what's it like, but that is what I tell myself when I have setbacks that delay things.