Finding your soulmate when already married?

[Fallenforthestars]

Created a new account for this (long term MN user).

History: Been with husband six years, married just over two. Knew before we got married he wasn’t the love of my life but went with it. Had a chaotic childhood and wanted stability, not romance. He’s a lovely man, kind and genuine. Works hard. Only trouble is he has no emotional ability at all. We barely speak. We only see each other an hour a day because of work patterns. Haven’t had sex in about 10 months or so. Maybe even more. I’ve raised all the issues and tried to make this work, but nothing changes. I’m a bright, creative person and he’s just happy to work and play with his tech. We don’t have kids, we have a mortgage. We have no emotional or physical relationship left. I’ve told him enough times. It’s financial only at this point, and I’ve talked to him about divorce more than once. Having said that, I do like him as a person, like a sibling. I don’t want to hurt him and I know the marriage provides stability,

Situation: I talk a lot in groups online. Started talking to this guy who posted very smart comments (nothing unusual so far — I talk to people of both sexes). It’s like the world has exploded. We talk about anything and everything. We have similar values, he is very strong in his conviction about certain social issues I have worked hard for. He’s really intelligent, well read, very charming, and he’s also quite practical. Objectively, he’s my ideal match. I feel alive with him. Like everything that has been dormant inside me has woken up.

Issue: I’m in a tailspin. I can’t get this guy out of my head. There is no part of me that doesn’t want to be with him. I don’t believe in soulmates but if I had to define this, I’d use these words. It’s that powerful. Due to where he lives (abroad) there are inevitable complications. If I left my husband right now I would be in financial ruin. The only way I can avoid that is to move from husband to this guy. I’m aware none of this is ideal. But how can I not try?
Any advice? I just want to see if anyone had felt the same all consuming connection with someone else and what they did about it. And no, it’s not just because ‘random guy has paid attention.’ Lots of random guys do and I’ve not felt this.

Have you actually met this man or had any conversation with him about whether he wants to shack up with you?

What happens when he ends up being someone that doesn’t want sex or has unusual quirks? Or when he doesn’t want to be romantic and enjoys a lot of time out with his mates away from you? You haven’t a clue what you’re swapping your marriage for! This is utterly bonkers unless I’ve really misunderstood the situation.

Soulmates rarely become the partners we fantasise about. Much more often, they help us to work through our childhood issues by confronting us with what we don't know about ourselves - and much of this involves pain

What they said is exactly what happened to me, and my goodness, it was painful.

I’m now blissfully happy, but not with the man that I thought was my soulmate

Seriously op. Have you never seen the TV show "Catfish"? The people on there are never who they pretended to be online. How can you contemplate.living with someone you've never met? You've got no idea who this person is.

You’ve never even met?!

Divorce your husband and spend some time alone

You grabbed at stability to get you away from your chaotic childhood and you seem to be grabbing at this other guy to get you away from your sexless and emotionless marriage

It is alright saying that you have had self imposed singledom before and know who you are but I question that. If you did know who you were you wouldn’t have married your dh when the spark wasn’t there

Are you sure this guy isn’t cat fishing you and isnt just mirroring what you have said on these chat forums and saying things that agree with you

You don’t know this guy from Adam.

You don’t know truly what he looks like or his real name.
He could be genuine or he could be a teenager in a bedroom having some fun with you and will hit you with a problem that requires money very soon.

.

Just imagine for a minute, that you leave your husband and your job and move abroad to live with this man. Hopefully you will have met with him before this point. Then after a month of living together you realise that although you theoretically are soul mates, in reality you can't live with each other, it just doesn't work.
What do you do then?
Stand on your own 2 feet and give yourself time to get to know this guy. Don't jump out of the frying pan, into the fire.

Sometimes you can meet the 'male version' of you but sometimes it doesn't necessarily mean that you would have a lasting relationship, if you ended up with him. You need to take a step back.

Meet (and yes, husband would know) and see how we feel then

Ah ok, in your OP you made it sound like you were going to just move over there!

I'm glad if that's not the case, or posters have made you see sense.

Fallenforthestars , I suggested you meet first and size him up. It will also give him a chance to work out who and what you are.
Does he know what you look like? Please do not send racy stuff!
Does he know what you are willing to do?
If he is in a foreign country, is he a national of that country? Do they have a different language? Different culture?
Does he think in a different language?
Meeting is the quick way to find out if it is worth taking further.

Started talking to this guy who posted very smart comments

Are you sure these weren’t fishing statements to see who would bite.

Apologies if my previous sounded too sharp.
Also; off topic to other posters or lurkers.
Is this situation giving you contrasts? Do you find yourself swinging between wanting to 'cheer her on' and then 10 minutes later wanting to 'bring her to her senses' .
It is doing that to wifelet in a way I have never seen before.

Please be careful. There are a lot of romance scammers out there - see For Love or Money on iPlayer. Perfectly normal intelligent women handing over their life savings, & more, to people they've never met. Never even spoken to over the phone! Slow down. This man lives abroad. How practical is that? The other issues are real so address those.

Relative of mine lost 7K to a love scammer.

Divorce your DH. Find a share with some other women for awhile.
You'd be out of your unhappy marriage, not be alone, and not have to run off to another country for someone you've never met.

My exH left me for someone overseas he's never met. It's been years and they still haven't met. Glad I'm rid.

Unless I have missed it, and sorry if I have, OP has not told us the other man's status, so I am very sad to imagine he is probably married with children, who Probably have no idea this is happening..... )-:

I am sad for your husband, but sounds like your relationship is over anyway. Please don't ruin other people's lives though.....

OP I do have sympathy for your situation and the desire for a soulmate, though I echo the caution recommended by other posters about the guy you’ve met online. I can see that if you’re feeling really alone and unfulfilled in your relationship that these interactions with this guy feel so alluring. But I think you need to see this in relation to what you are craving in terms of being with someone you’ve more in common with, and in terms of the difficulties in your current relationship rather than a certainty that you and this other guy are meant to be together. There’s a lot of fantasy in your idea, and I know how much of a draw there is to feed the fantasy. I’m actually experiencing something not dissimilar. Also married for stability after a chaotic childhood, and feel DH and I have little in common, too much distance (and conflict) between us. I’ve fallen for someone at work. I also feel like he’s a soulmate, when we talk together. But this colleague doesn’t know about my feelings and I would never say anything, because I think although he and I do have a connection and maybe some mutual attraction, it’s not that we’re meant to be together (however much I fantasise about that), it’s about what I’m struggling with in my marriage, and possibly in myself. So have gone back to therapy to try to figure out what to do with my marriage. Have two young kids, which makes it complex and very painful. If it wasn’t for them I’d already have left the marriage. My advice is to get out now, if you really can’t see yourself being happy in this marriage. I know the financial stuff is scary but you’ll get there. I’m financially dependent as have been stay at home mum for last 5 years but am applying for jobs now. Good luck.

Whether you meet the other man and rush into this online crush or not you need to get out of the farce of a marriage. Sounds like it’s not the ideal relationship for your husband either. Untangle your lives and split. Then worry about other romances.

It is doing that to wifelet in a way I......
This is giving me THE RAGE. Just fucking stop, will ya?

What the fuck is a wifelet?

I agree with most others on here. Get divorced if you want to, but rushing into a relationship with your soul mate (I'm not sure that I believe in such a thing to be honest) would be foolish.

It may be that you are right for each other, but I would give it some time before you embark on a full on relationship. If it works out that is wonderful, just be wary - as others have said he may not be as he seems. I know a woman who left her husband and several children to live with a man she met online who lived in the USA. It wasn't long before she came back home, minus her new man.

I also feel sorry for your husband as you married him knowing you were "settling". He never really stood a chance.

For all those posters who say that they left their husbands to be with other men, surely it wasn’t those other men who convinced you that your husband wasn’t “the one” and your marriages were in trouble anyway? And if there was a “meant to be” then you would have met those men even after you’d ended your marriages?

OP I’ve been there. Emotionally abusive marriage and I started talking to someone online who thought all the same things I did,loved the same things, had the same interests,made me feel wanted, you get the idea. We met up and the connection was there,and we had a brief affair.

At this point I had decided to leave my eXH, and in truth we’d talked about it so many times before.He found out about the affair and had the ultimate reason to divorce me.

The affair ended and eXH would have tried again if I’d wanted to, but actually the affair gave me the realisation that actually I could be divorced now and even if that meant I would have to take the blame for it,I’d been set free and the world was my own, so I continued anyway.

I never saw the OM again,for a while we talked about things but then he met someone else as did I and we haven’t spoken now for seven years, and looking back he was somewhat of a Pratt and it would never have lasted. But at the time I thought he was “the one” because he was the catalyst that gave me the exit.

I wish I’d had the courage to stand up to my ex before it came to this. Even if me and the OM had stayed together I would still wish that,and I still think that affairs are wrong although they are not black and white and there is more often a reason they happen than not.

If he is meant to be then he will still be there after your marriage ends.And I say the same of those posters who have left marriages to be with other men and now state that they’re “blissfully happy.” Yes, of course it’s possible to meet someone and realise that you don’t want to be with someone else any more. And it’s also possible to end your relationship because of having met someone else. But the rest, talking about how they were your soulmate and how you’re blissfully happy and don’t regret a second of it is all a bit crass really.

I left my marriage knowing that the OM wasn’t going to work out. So many go back when they have nowhere else to go, but in truth nothing changes then,and a couple of years down the line they’re back where they started.You should never leave for someone else. You should always only ever leave for yourself,and the rest will slot into place if it’s meant to.

I was meant to leave my marriage. I wasn’t meant to be with OM.

Years ago, I made a friend online. We chatted all the time, told each other things we'd never told anyone else, worked through huge emotional issues together. And then we met. She was all the things I knew about but also demanding, selfish, rude to other people. She met a number of my real life friends and 15 years later they still mention it occasionally. She was AWFUL to them.

You don't know someone from online interaction only, even if they think they are being their true self.

I get the impression these overwhelming infatuations usually occur when people are in unhappy relationships. Could they be generated by the subconscious to provide a way out of the current relationship?