Finding your soulmate when already married?

[Fallenforthestars]

Created a new account for this (long term MN user).

History: Been with husband six years, married just over two. Knew before we got married he wasn’t the love of my life but went with it. Had a chaotic childhood and wanted stability, not romance. He’s a lovely man, kind and genuine. Works hard. Only trouble is he has no emotional ability at all. We barely speak. We only see each other an hour a day because of work patterns. Haven’t had sex in about 10 months or so. Maybe even more. I’ve raised all the issues and tried to make this work, but nothing changes. I’m a bright, creative person and he’s just happy to work and play with his tech. We don’t have kids, we have a mortgage. We have no emotional or physical relationship left. I’ve told him enough times. It’s financial only at this point, and I’ve talked to him about divorce more than once. Having said that, I do like him as a person, like a sibling. I don’t want to hurt him and I know the marriage provides stability,

Situation: I talk a lot in groups online. Started talking to this guy who posted very smart comments (nothing unusual so far — I talk to people of both sexes). It’s like the world has exploded. We talk about anything and everything. We have similar values, he is very strong in his conviction about certain social issues I have worked hard for. He’s really intelligent, well read, very charming, and he’s also quite practical. Objectively, he’s my ideal match. I feel alive with him. Like everything that has been dormant inside me has woken up.

Issue: I’m in a tailspin. I can’t get this guy out of my head. There is no part of me that doesn’t want to be with him. I don’t believe in soulmates but if I had to define this, I’d use these words. It’s that powerful. Due to where he lives (abroad) there are inevitable complications. If I left my husband right now I would be in financial ruin. The only way I can avoid that is to move from husband to this guy. I’m aware none of this is ideal. But how can I not try?
Any advice? I just want to see if anyone had felt the same all consuming connection with someone else and what they did about it. And no, it’s not just because ‘random guy has paid attention.’ Lots of random guys do and I’ve not felt this.

We have no emotional or physical relationship left. I’ve told him enough times. It’s financial only at this point, and I’ve talked to him about divorce more than once. Having said that, I do like him as a person, like a sibling. I don’t want to hurt him and I know the marriage provides stability,

It’s not enough, it’s not a marriage and it’s not fair on him.

Sit him down properly, point out it’s not working, start divorce proceedings.

Be brave, have some time on your own to bolster your self- belief. Don’t overlap relationships, it gets messy.

Good luck

If I left my husband right now I would be in financial ruin. The only way I can avoid that is to move from husband to this guy. I’m aware none of this is ideal. But how can I not try?

Can you explain why you cannot self-support in a rented room for a while? Are you not working?

Going straight from one person to another is often a disaster, and this man is abroad. You’re not entirely making sense.

If I left my husband right now I would be in financial ruin. The only way I can avoid that is to move from husband to this guy.

No. Leave your husband, but find another way. What if it tanks within 3 months? How would that be any better financially?

Anyway, what is this guy's thoughts? You've not mentioned any of that.

Do not stay with your husband due to finances. Or guilt. You have not children. No reason to drag this out. But the other guy is a separate thing altogether.

How long have you known this other guy? Sounds like it's gotten intense pretty quickly? Do you know how he feels about you? Is he married too?

Obviously there are problems in the marriage that have led to this. It's alright being in an ok marriage until you find someone you really love.

It's easy to appear as your ideal self to others online. I'm not saying he's not a great guy, but unless you know him/have met him in real life it's a fantasy at the moment, this is why it's so perfect and attractive.

I'm not judging you by the way, but you need to tread carefully.

I agree with the others - do you really have to move straight in with this other guy? That spells disaster IMO. Can't you move out and support yourself while organising a divorce from your husband and take things slowly with the other man?

The other guy is neither here nor there really, I suspect. Especially if you haven’t met in person. But your marriage is clearly over and you need to leave: both for your sake and your husbands. Good luck, it won’t be easy but it’s the right thing to do.

Why would splitting up with your husband leave you in financial ruin?

Stop rushing. Your marriage is dead. You already knew that. See a solicitor, plan a nice reasonable financially sensible exit.

If this new man is genuinely so special then he will still be available 12-18 months from now when you are divorced and living on your own nice and stable elsewhere.

There is no such thing as a soulmate just other people.
If you want to divorce your husband then do that, it doesn't sound like there is anything left there but don't go charging off to be with the other man.
Just because they are good at talking doesn't mean anything. You haven't even met him and have no idea what he is really like. They can say anything you want to hear online.
You need space alone before dashing off to another man.

Take the "soul mate" out of the equation for the time being. You don't know this man, and I know you will argue the point, but at the moment you only know what he has told you - you have no way of knowing what he's like in reality. I've been there, and know the feeling. You've latched on yo him because he's showing similar interests and passions to you.

If you aren't happy in your marriage, and you are prepared to call it quits, part as amicably as you can and move on. I do think that after the end of a significant relationship you need to have some time alone, before you jump into something else.

If, after you've ended your relationship and are still in contact with the soul mate chap, then test the water. But be prepared for it not to turn out the way you hoped it would.

Then, and only then

If I left my husband right now I would be in financial ruin. The only way I can avoid that is to move from husband to this guy.

No way! I understand that you're fiendishly attracted to him on every level, but you don't know him well, don't move in with him now, especially abroad.

I'm sure financially you could find a way to live on your own, many people do. Or could you stay with family/friends after lockdown so you've left him but have time to save and rent a flat? Even if you had to wait a few months to organize stuff, that won't kill you.

I’m aware none of this is ideal. But how can I not try?

Wait until you've left your husband. It's the decent thing to do, and the world isn't going to end if you have to wait a few months to be romantically involved with this guy.

I've been the OW woman many times, so as PP's say it's not that I'm making a moral judgement of your feelings. But there is an ethical way to handle the situation, and an unethical one.

So I'm guessing you've not even met this guy

You should leave your husband either way, though

Have you met the online man?

I just want to see if anyone had felt the same all consuming connection with someone else and what they did about it.

I left XH and moved in with now-DH. That was 11 years ago. And I don't regret it for one moment. It can work. Best of luck

Sorry...i don't know where that last sentence came from!

Soulmates rarely become the partners we fantasise about. Much more often, they help us to work through our childhood issues by confronting us with what we don't know about ourselves - and much of this involves pain.

Agree with @Pertella; regardless of the outcome, I think you ought to leave your husband as you’re clearly not happy.

Have you and the other guy spoken about a future together? What’s his relationship status?

I met my husband, with whom I have two children and a third on the way (we've been together nearly 8 years), when I was still married.

I had found out several months before I met my now-husband that my relationship was not something I could continue forever. He had a psychological condition triggered by sleep deprivation and I wanted children. He had sexual tastes, mostly for me having sex with other men, that I was uncomfortable with in the context of our marriage.

We had married in haste, and were repenting in leisure.

I also started talking to my now-husband online. We were head over heels, in a transported state it felt like, within weeks. We lived 1000 miles apart, and moved in together less than 3 months later. It was crazy. There was no way it should have worked. I don't think anyone thought it would.

We're more in love with every year that passes. Our children are beautiful and clever. We get along reasonably well with each other's families, we've bought a house together with a big garden where we sit outside and watch the birds.

I haven't felt a flutter of feeling for another man, except maybe the briefest "wow how attractive!", since we met.

I'm not saying everyone gets their "happily ever after." I'm just saying it is possible, and my family is the proof.

You haven't even met him.

He could be a woman, 65, a lizard person, or all 3, for all you know.

I would step away from the computer, have a serious conversion with your husband and seriously consider ending that marriage - but not for some mystery internet person.

*conversation.

(Conversion probably isn't necessary.)

What are the feelings of the internet man? Do you know for sure he is interested in you relationship-wise? I ask because someone I met IRL a few times and who I have great conversations with in person and online assumed from our excellent rapport that I was interested in them in the same way they were interested in me (we are both single). I wasn't/ am not...we get on like a house on fire but I don't want a relationship with them.

Thanks, everyone.

I agree with the ‘divorce the husband’ part. This new guy is just the incentive to move from coasting to taking action.

Where it’s tough is I have no other support, family or otherwise.

@WombOfOnesOwn - wow! Great story. You met him before you had divorced the husband?

You can’t stay with your husband who sounds like a perfectly okay sort of man because you want his money. You can’t move abroad for some bloke off the internet and expect him to support you. Why can’t you support yourself?

@EggysMom - curious time hear more.

I do get what other people are saying. But in a dead marriage (with no fighting) is it really imperative I ‘find myself’ when I already know who I am?

I’m headstrong, and I’ve had self-imposes singledom before, to figure out who I am and what I want.

This is different, and this guy feels different.

I feel really sorry for your husband