Finding your soulmate when already married?

[Fallenforthestars]

Created a new account for this (long term MN user).

History: Been with husband six years, married just over two. Knew before we got married he wasn’t the love of my life but went with it. Had a chaotic childhood and wanted stability, not romance. He’s a lovely man, kind and genuine. Works hard. Only trouble is he has no emotional ability at all. We barely speak. We only see each other an hour a day because of work patterns. Haven’t had sex in about 10 months or so. Maybe even more. I’ve raised all the issues and tried to make this work, but nothing changes. I’m a bright, creative person and he’s just happy to work and play with his tech. We don’t have kids, we have a mortgage. We have no emotional or physical relationship left. I’ve told him enough times. It’s financial only at this point, and I’ve talked to him about divorce more than once. Having said that, I do like him as a person, like a sibling. I don’t want to hurt him and I know the marriage provides stability,

Situation: I talk a lot in groups online. Started talking to this guy who posted very smart comments (nothing unusual so far — I talk to people of both sexes). It’s like the world has exploded. We talk about anything and everything. We have similar values, he is very strong in his conviction about certain social issues I have worked hard for. He’s really intelligent, well read, very charming, and he’s also quite practical. Objectively, he’s my ideal match. I feel alive with him. Like everything that has been dormant inside me has woken up.

Issue: I’m in a tailspin. I can’t get this guy out of my head. There is no part of me that doesn’t want to be with him. I don’t believe in soulmates but if I had to define this, I’d use these words. It’s that powerful. Due to where he lives (abroad) there are inevitable complications. If I left my husband right now I would be in financial ruin. The only way I can avoid that is to move from husband to this guy. I’m aware none of this is ideal. But how can I not try?
Any advice? I just want to see if anyone had felt the same all consuming connection with someone else and what they did about it. And no, it’s not just because ‘random guy has paid attention.’ Lots of random guys do and I’ve not felt this.

Oh be wary of the online love stories, he could be totally different in person! I've literally just spent months speaking to someone all day everyday and then something clicked last week and I got the ick.
Maybe resolve the issues in the marriage first and end it respectfully and then go from there.

@AnneLovesGilbert I’m not expecting him to support me. And I’m not with my husband for money. He doesn’t earn much more than I do.

@NewNameGuy but you don’t feel sorry for me? No love, no sex. Because that’s what this is. I’ve worked my arse off to try and make it work.

How can you be in love with someone you've never met in person? Have you never seen Catfish? He could be literally anyone

Why can't you stand on your own two feet? It would be insane to move to live with internet guy but you can't stay with your husband. Be a grown up and look after yourself!

OP
Divorce your husband, move into a house share or similar, and spend some time developing your earning potential.

Jumping in with someone out of desperation will kick the ass of any relationship- soulmate or not.

If he really is marvellous, then you need to match him with your integrity, and independence 😊

I’m another who says think carefully about this new guy, people can be very different in real life.
Very different.
Don’t rush into anything, don’t rush out of anything..

If you have a job and your husband doesn’t earn much more than you, how is it financial ruin to leave him? I don’t understand what’s stopping you ending this marriage, regardless of the online relationship.

First off divorce your husband. Then spend some time single.

I would tell your soul mate that you are leaving your husband, will be struggling for cash but you'd like to start a new life with him. His response will be telling.

We live in a very expensive part of the country. Neither of us could rent alone. My job is very specialised. I’m also in education.

Interested to know any thoughts on experience with amicable separation where two people live together out of convenience. Because as I touched on, husband I have had many conversations about this and it’s basically where we are at. We just aren’t divorced. It’s not like he’s in the dark that our marriage has broken down.

@MrsCollinssettled - he knows my situation.

Act like a decent person and get divorced. Let him free.

Why should people feel sorry for you? Because you are not having sex and don't love your husband? - you chose to marry him.

It seems to be all about you with the 'I' statements.

Does the other guy feel the same about you though?
Not much information to go on apart from you say your marriage is dead.

@UserThenLotsOfNumbers - yes, he does.

What's the other guys situation relationship wise?

And how long have you been speaking to him?

Have you video called or just messaging and normal phone calls?

It sounds as if your marriage is over so, focus on making the split as easy as possible.

The online guy is just a fantasy. Men can very easily 'mirror' you by listening to your life hopes and dreams, then matching that. Especially if you're given to over-sharing.

Whether he's genuine or not, it doesn't mean that the reality of him in day to day life will match what you think, and it's quite telling that you're placing so much emphasis on a bloke you've never even met. As if you can't be on your own to gather your thoughts and deal with all the arrangements of a new way of life by yourself, you need a man to prop it up.

He's a catalyst. & Whatever he may say once you've ended your marriage will he really be waiting for you to go to him? I'm sure you've heard of scenarios where it's all talk sweetness & light but when 1 person ups and leaves their partner it becomes all too real, and Mr/Ms perfect backs off as they can't deal with the responsibility and intensity of it.

So leave if you want to but don't place all your hopes on this man being 'the one'

Have you actually met the guy in person?

Wifelet and I know of this type of situation from friends we have known. She was shouting at her computer, changing her view from one extreme to the other.

So here is my take: Neither affair ended well. The most recent one was very hard on everyone connected.

You do need an exit strategy of some sort.
Is this possible? When able to travel can you take a holiday by yourself and visit this new man. But make sure you have return ticket and use it. Then when back home talk to a friend.
Must give wifelet a drink and remind her of deadline with work.

@DeeCeeCherry - as I mentioned upthread, I’ve had self-imposed ‘me’ time. I’ve had many years without any men.

@Janesnewbloke - this was how we both thought we’d play it. Meet (and yes, husband would know) and see how we feel then. Thank you for being pragmatic.

Sorry this still doesn’t make sense. The other man lives abroad, so what’s your plan - quit your job and move in with a stranger in another country?

If you’re contemplating that why can’t you contemplate moving somewhere more affordable on your own steam?

I would be very wary of pinning all your hopes on this online relationship, I was talking to someone online for 6 months as she was travelling around the world, we talked for hours and hours each day, literally non stop at one point, we talked about all the things we would do when we could finally be together, I saw pictures and videos the attraction was insane, I felt like I was falling for her, it was crazy, anyway, finally she came home, and then it came to actually meeting, she cancelled on me three times in a row then ghosted me. Then she reappeared a few months later, full of apologies, to only do the same again after a few months.

Moral of the story is online relationships are not real (I met my fiancée online, so I’m not against online dating at all), if you want to leave your husband don’t do it expecting to jump from one ship to other, this guy could be telling you anything you want to hear, he could have a wife, kids anything. He could be bored and passing the time with no intention of anything actually happening.

You do not have an "all consuming connection", you have a fantasy taking over your common sense. You don't even know this man, not even one little bit.

Give your head a wobble, get a divorce, and move on from there. Right now you're thinking like a silly school girl.

This is fucking bananas.

So you married your husband, knowing you were “settling”. Poor man! And then you wonder why you aren’t interested in him only 2 years after the marriage? Honestly wtf.

Now you’re off in cloud cuckoo land about someone you haven’t even met!!! You don’t know how he really looks or if you’ll have a spark. You certainly shouldn’t use your husband for financial reasons anymore.

Sorry this still doesn’t make sense. The other man lives abroad, so what’s your plan - quit your job and move in with a stranger in another country? If you’re contemplating that why can’t you contemplate moving somewhere more affordable on your own steam?

I think this is what I don't get either.

I think the other most important questions are what his relationship status is, have you only spoken on the phone or have you had video chats, how long have you been speaking for?