Finding your soulmate when already married?

[Fallenforthestars]

Created a new account for this (long term MN user).

History: Been with husband six years, married just over two. Knew before we got married he wasn’t the love of my life but went with it. Had a chaotic childhood and wanted stability, not romance. He’s a lovely man, kind and genuine. Works hard. Only trouble is he has no emotional ability at all. We barely speak. We only see each other an hour a day because of work patterns. Haven’t had sex in about 10 months or so. Maybe even more. I’ve raised all the issues and tried to make this work, but nothing changes. I’m a bright, creative person and he’s just happy to work and play with his tech. We don’t have kids, we have a mortgage. We have no emotional or physical relationship left. I’ve told him enough times. It’s financial only at this point, and I’ve talked to him about divorce more than once. Having said that, I do like him as a person, like a sibling. I don’t want to hurt him and I know the marriage provides stability,

Situation: I talk a lot in groups online. Started talking to this guy who posted very smart comments (nothing unusual so far — I talk to people of both sexes). It’s like the world has exploded. We talk about anything and everything. We have similar values, he is very strong in his conviction about certain social issues I have worked hard for. He’s really intelligent, well read, very charming, and he’s also quite practical. Objectively, he’s my ideal match. I feel alive with him. Like everything that has been dormant inside me has woken up.

Issue: I’m in a tailspin. I can’t get this guy out of my head. There is no part of me that doesn’t want to be with him. I don’t believe in soulmates but if I had to define this, I’d use these words. It’s that powerful. Due to where he lives (abroad) there are inevitable complications. If I left my husband right now I would be in financial ruin. The only way I can avoid that is to move from husband to this guy. I’m aware none of this is ideal. But how can I not try?
Any advice? I just want to see if anyone had felt the same all consuming connection with someone else and what they did about it. And no, it’s not just because ‘random guy has paid attention.’ Lots of random guys do and I’ve not felt this.

Having conversations about divorce is not the same as formally separating and initiating a divorce.

You settled because you knew yourself well enough apparently, except it wasn’t enough because now there’s a unicorn on the horizon.

Leave your H or don’t but don’t kid yourself that there’s any
nobility’ staying in your marriage until Mr Unicorn turns into a bloody horse.

but you don’t feel sorry for me

Not so much, you said yourself you married for stability not romance. Now you've decided that's not enough. Did you tell your dh before you married him that he wasn't your soul mate and you considered it a stability match not a romantic one.

By all means divorce, your dh certainly deserves better and yes so do you. But online guy is a fantasy. You haven't met him.

There’s a lot of assumptions here, which I get. There’s only so much info you can put in the initial thread. And yes, husband knew my thoughts before we got married. I’ve always been honest.
I’m going to leave it here, I think. I’m mostly agreeing I need to get the divorce out of the way.
Thanks.

Online romances never work. Honestly it’s going to be mega-cringe when you meet him and there’s nothing there.

DeeCeeCherry - as I mentioned upthread, I’ve had self-imposed ‘me’ time. I’ve had many years without any men.

But AFTER that you ”Knew before we got married he wasn’t the love of my life but went with it. Had a chaotic childhood and wanted stability, not romance. He’s a lovely man, kind and genuine. Works hard.”

So the “alone time” didn’t heal you, or help get your head straight, or prepare you for a proper adult relationship, did it?

You need time alone and therapy. I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Otherwise you’re going to bounce straight from a fantasy of “steady” to a fantasy of “soul mate”. Neither of them healthy.

ArriettyJones I think you've highlighted my name instead of OPs by mistake, I didn't write post. 🙂I think your advice to OP is spot on tho.

Talk to your husband about in house separation, then subsequently divorce. Reach an agreement that your marriage is over and you can both pursue relationships outside of each other.

I mean 10 months plus with no intimacy says it all.

Yeah sorry, I just C&Ped her whole reply to you and forgot to remove your name from it.

*"This is fucking bananas"
*
No it's not. People marry for all kinds of reasons. I doubt she set out to be deliberately duplicitous.

I married for security. And then I met someone on an online forum who turned my world upside down. As we have always said: when you know, you know. And we had not a single doubt.

I told my then-wife. We divorced as quickly as possible and I married the absolute, indisputable love of my life. I ended up pretty brassic. (My first wife was wealthy and I was very financially comfortable with her.)
But with my now-wife I have the full works and the real deal. (We're not rich though!)

Jump! Go on!

There's no such thing as a soulmate. You marriage is either over or it isn't and it's nothing to do with the other guy - who I suspect would ghost you if, having never met him, you seriously ask to move in!

You said you wanted to avoid the chaos of your upbringing. In fact you're now following in those footsteps. Suggest you don't do anything rash til you've had a good deal of individual therapy

"Online romances never work"

They really really do sometimes.
8 years in, this one is working.

Anyone who still believes in nonsense like soulmates has no business being married. You need maturity and sense to live with someone else day in day out.

Work on your marriage or end it, but don't kid yourself that your soulmate won't irritate the arse off you after a year or two as well.

(Currently lying next to my "soulmate" who keeps rubbing his crusty feet together and scratching random body parts every two minutes.)

You haven't met him so I'm afraid what you feel isn't real. It might become real if you meet, but don't invest too much in it now. It's easy to be the perfect man from the end of a keyboard in another country.

You’re considering leaving your husband for a man you’ve spoken to online. You do realise you know nothing about this man despite your deep chats. People only show their best side of them self online and it’s even worse he lives abroad. You’re craving some emotional intimacy due to the lack of attention and chemistry with your husband. I think you’re painting this guy to be the picture of everything your husbands not. How do you know if you meet him things might fizzle out pretty quickly and he wasn’t all he seemed online after all. Also, think about if you’re husband was online talking to his dream girl. How would that make you feel? You need to have a serious think. I’d block this man and try and rekindle things with your dh and see if your marriage is worth saving

You should definitely leave your husband, but be very careful! You’ve not met this man. It’s all very much fantasy at the moment. Online “relationships” can be very intense, but at the end of the day are not real

”Online romances never work”

Mine did.

Met 22 years ago, married 20 years this year and he moved from Canada to be with me.

Forget about the online guy. People online can be whoever they want to be, tell you anything you want to hear. I got swept along by someone I met online. My marriage is pretty crap. I met online guy twice and he said all the right things and now he's just stopped contact.

Staying with someone you don’t love because you can’t afford to leave, whilst considering jumping ship to someone else is such a fucking shitty thing to do

Online relationships can work out. Or they can end. Over two decades ago I was in a Usenet group which though ostensibly about a certain author tended to have thread drift and off-topic conversations. Several of the people I knew then are still coupled today. One of the couples began only after she'd broken up with the man she moved to London for (also on the group... it was all very amicable).

As for me, happily married and pregnant, I found myself really looking forward to engaging with a particular poster. We thought so many of the same things! Had similar interests! Made each other laugh! I got ridiculously excited at the thought of seeing him at a weekend get-together.

Turned out I didn't fancy him at all. I mean, so totally not my type I was taken aback. If I'd actually been wanting something to happen - as opposed to just a validating ego-boost - I'd probably have gone home and cried.

So that's my take on the whole soulmates thing. Yes, it's probably better than not to pick a life partner who can actively share your everyday life; but it''s not the be-all and end-all of a romantic and sexual relationship.

As for your next steps: I'm in total agreement with everyone else that it would be ridiculous to start planning a move to his country at this stage. Depending on what country it is, you may find yourself unemployable if they even allow you in. How's that for financial ruin?

People that say “there is no such thing as a soul mate“ have settled. Most people in life settle for ‘good enough’ jobs ‘good enough’ partners without realising they have no true connection with their partner and then wonder why they are left or cheated on.

A soul mate isn’t all sunshine and rainbows but it is a soul connection you can’t describe, like no other. People are being very hard you! So what you married for security people marry for love all the time then fall out of love and divorce so what’s the difference?! If you partner knows and you’ve been honest with him then go ahead and meet this online man (when lockdown is over) and see if you feel the same in person. Then make plans from there.

Life is to damn short for regrets!

You’ve put this internet guy on a pedestal, thinking he is perfect. I’m sure he burps, farts and has annoying habits too.

I met my DH online 12 years ago, but I did have a couple of disastrous dates that I had met online and thought they seemed nice prior to meeting. One was a complete psycho.

The nub of this is you are unhappy in your marriage. You need to leave and probably not straight into the arms of another man.

Until you've met this man, you can't refer to him as your soulmate, for goodness sake. He might smell funny, spit when he talks, carry his loose change in a coin purse, make grunting sounds when he talks...

Divorce your poor husband and let him find someone who loves him. Good luck with the fantasy online romance.

Yet another of these threads where the OP avoids the important questions like have you seen him etc ? So many of these threads which seem to bomb currently .

So you haven't actually met this fantasy Mr Right yet. If your marriage isn't working fair enough make plans to leave. But to jump in into a new relationship and move abroad. Madness. Mr Right might even run for the hills or could be married even.

I would advise caution with the online guy, at least meet him first before deciding he is your soulmate! Years ago, before I met my DH, I dabbled in OLD and talked to loads of different guys. Had great chemistry with a couple of them but alas when I actually met them in person, it didn’t feel the same at all 😕 You also have to remember that you don’t actually know that he is telling you the truth about everything - he could have lied about any part of himself (and his life), which could be deal breakers for you. Hope everything works out for the best for you OP.