DH keeps recording me

[trytrytrying]

My DH keeps recording me when we row. He winds me up until I loose it and tell him to F-off and then he records secretly. I can tell he is recording as he changes his personality to sound nice, changes the story of what the row is to make him look good or silently smirks and goads me which obviously doesn't get 'seen' on an audible recording. I have caught him out for these reasons and seen him recording. I have heard one. It made me sad as he thought is showed me badly telling him repeatedly to fuck off but I heard the truth which was that he was goading me and refusing to help me when I was very sick (flu not covid), he mocked me until I was crying and pulled taunting faces until I then told him to fuck off over and over until he finally left me alone.
I am am stuck making the best until after lockdown. How can I protect myself from these select recordings and what should I be aware of? I am mostly avoiding him and avoiding arguing but I sometimes find it hard as he really knows how to get to me.

I assume you will be leaving him once lockdown is over? Who does he show the recordings to?

What's the situation OP?

It's not illegal to record someone for private use. He's not doing anything illegal in that sense but, he is doing something else illegal which is abuse. He's bear baiting you. Do you think he's building up evidence of you being mentally unwell or abusive for some reason?

Do you have anywhere you can go?

That's awful OP - just nasty, not something you should have to deal with. Do not react next time he tries to argue - grey rock and walk away

Why are you with him?

Do you want to leave (I presume so) and need some help in doing that?

My ex did this to me, look up Lundy Bancrofts ‘the water torturer’ I reckon it’ll be enlightening for you.

I left him and it was very very hard and lots of people sided with him but I just don’t care, I’m free from his tyranny now and that’s all that matters.

Record him. Record all of it not just selectively even if it doesn’t show you in a great light it’ll show he is being manipulative.

Ducks in a row and leave.

I am mostly avoiding him and avoiding arguing but I sometimes find it hard as he really knows how to get to me.

Enough with the excuses. Only you are responsible for your behaviour, regardless of what he says or does. Losing control and telling your partner to fuck off is unacceptable, and if this is how you deal with disagreements, the relationship needs to end. This marriage is doomed. Get your ducks in a row and leave.

Incidents of dv and needing to leave during lockdown are allowed..
Get yourself somewhere safe op.
What a twat.

Do you have children with him?

Maybe when he starts winding you up, disengage instead of lashing out?

And get a divorce, for both your sakes. Pulling faces and shouting fuck off? Neither of you sound mature enough to be married tbh.

Well actually @Aquamarine1029 what the OP is describing is the flight or fight response which is the bodies physiological reaction to fear, danger or acute stress. This can manifest itself as shouting, screaming, crying, hands over ears, running away etc. And is very much so uncontrollable, OP is being emotionally abused by her husband and needs support at this time.

Thank you @Bbang this is what my therapist says, mostly I'm very good at grey rock now but I'm human and not perfect. Yes I'm getting my ducks in a row, but then covid happened. I know all about the abuse and yes a divorce will be happening. Yes we have a children. I don't need lectures as everything is in hand. He is a water torturer and no, he was not like this at the beginning. I'm more after advise about the recording. Is it legal etc. I don't know what he has planned for them.

It is legal, but then so is you recording him...
Do you have cctv? That would record his actions too

Secretly record him when he isn't suspecting it so that you have the other side of it recorded.

When you know he is recording, calmly say something along the lines of "you are always nasty and manipulative towards me toned goad me into an argument, then you change all if a sudden and I can tell when you're recording me as suddenly you go from being quite abusive to all nicey nicey. Why is that? Why have you suddenly stopped abusing me then change and act calm to try and make me out to be the bad one". So that if he is intending on letting someone else hear these recordings, they'll bear your side of it as well, about what he is doing.

@trytrytrying it is legal but if I were you I’d try to get a hold of his phone and delete them. He could be planning to use them for social work/having you declared mentally unfit to parent/accusing you of abuse etc reasons. There is no good reason he is recording you - which means he’s gathering evidence himself. I would start to do the same if I were you.

I hope you’re ok and wish you the best of luck

My husband tried recording me on a number of occasions always after he had been drinking excessively. He would deliberately try and provoke an argument angrily saying that i had said sonething horrible about his son. I would quite categorically state that he was confused because i never said anything like that and i would talk to him in a calm manner. You see i knew i was being recorded. When he went to bed i would put the recorder in a quiet room and replay over the top of the existing recording so he had nothing to listen to in the morning. I think i had the last laugh because i was the sober one.

@Aquamarine1029 what kind of sheltered life have you led? Never sworn during an argument! I don’t quite believe you

Is he aware you plan to leave? Is he recording to use it in a custody fight?
Lay the foundations of you being unstable/violent?

What is he intending to do with the recordings do you think? I’d assume he’s trying to show police or solicitors? Or people you know to paint you in a certain light.

Personally I think something like this is unforgivable. He’s clearly trying to do something with the recordings, I think you should start doing the same frankly. Whenever he’s in the same room as you, start recording a voice memo on your phone. I have an Apple Watch where I can also record audio, i reckon it would be virtually undetectable to the other party as they’d probably never think. At least if he tries to whip a recording out in court, you can show the true reality of the argument when he’s being nasty too

My exH used to do this it was awful. Please get away from this man and whatever you dont trust him

I agree with Milou32: reflect back verbally what he is doing to provoke you:

E.g. Why are you repeating that question over and again when I have answered you? Why are you pulling faces at me? It feels like you are trying to get a reaction from me for a recording; are you recording me? If so, why?

@Lightline

Believe what you want. I have never sworn at my husband and he has never sworn at me. It's not acceptable or productive, and my life has been far from sheltered.

As soon as he starts any kind of conversation with you, tell him you will be recording in order to protect yourself from false allegations.

Then record.

He can't complain if you tell him in advance. It might teach him manners at the very least. For your part, you will feel far more control over interactions if you assert yourself in this way.

He is probably planning to use the recordings he has made to show you in a bad light, i.e. that you have a terrible temper, a tendency to curse and swear, some sort of anger issues.

Be careful. Don't get sucked in again. You will be talking about custody and visitation if you divorce. Don't let him use his tapes as a means of keeping you from planning divorce. Make sure your solicitor knows that tapes of you driven to your wits end exist.

You are indeed married to a water torturer.

@Lightline

Not swearing doesn't mean one has led a sheltered life. I don't swear in arguments and never have. I've been married over 20 years and we've had arguments, but we don't swear at each other.

OP... you know he's doing it, so you need to get smart. Stop falling for his nonsense...walk away from him...put some headphones on and block out his sound.

Or ask if everything is okay, as he's suddenly started speaking so nicely to you, when 2 minutes ago he was being nasty.

He's trying to make you look crazy.....don't let him succeed.

You know his game ...treat it like a war and prepare yourself.

I want you to know something about what this man is doing which is going to reassure you.

Recording you and baiting you makes HIM look bad. Not you. When you get divorced, you can cast him very easily as abusive. Recording your partner and trying to present it as objective evidence is going to go down very, very badly.

Please report this conduct to the police and your fears of being controlled. Get it on the record. This man thinks he is clever. He’s a fool and he’s digging his own grave in the divorce court.

It is actually really excellent evidence he is abusive and cruel. You need to understand he can even only partly succeed if you don’t defend yourself. You don’t even have to do it directly or confront him.

You need every scrap of other evidence, texts, complaints to him as to his conduct. You need to get your narrative going. Keep a diary. Write an email stating what he is doing to you, complaining of his conduct . The more he does, the bigger the hole he digs.

And leave. This tactic works once in the courts. Don’t be the woman who fluffs it and goes back.

I would assume he was planning to show these A evidence if ever you left him and wanted to be the primary carer for any children you may have. Or else it’s evidence of you ever report him for abuse. He can show that you verbally abused him.