DH keeps recording me

[trytrytrying]

My DH keeps recording me when we row. He winds me up until I loose it and tell him to F-off and then he records secretly. I can tell he is recording as he changes his personality to sound nice, changes the story of what the row is to make him look good or silently smirks and goads me which obviously doesn't get 'seen' on an audible recording. I have caught him out for these reasons and seen him recording. I have heard one. It made me sad as he thought is showed me badly telling him repeatedly to fuck off but I heard the truth which was that he was goading me and refusing to help me when I was very sick (flu not covid), he mocked me until I was crying and pulled taunting faces until I then told him to fuck off over and over until he finally left me alone.
I am am stuck making the best until after lockdown. How can I protect myself from these select recordings and what should I be aware of? I am mostly avoiding him and avoiding arguing but I sometimes find it hard as he really knows how to get to me.

@monkeymonkey2010 it's a really odd situation as he says mostly that I am an amazing mother. None of it makes sense. He's protecting his ego from being the 'bad one' but if it became public then it would look really bizarre. In his mind he is constructing me as this terrible abuser and in his counselling sessions I know that this is the theme as he tells me each time how he was told by the professional that I am a level one abuser, that I can not be helped etc etc but obviously the counsellor only has his version of things. I guess he is hoping to whip out his story and 'evidence' should I (when I) leave and if it became nasty. I wish we could just agree to pleasantly separate. He has spoken to a city lawyer and has said his will use up all our assets in legal fees if I leave. When he was in his nice mood and I was crying and upset about this then he said he would never actually do this... but he did go in to london to talk to him. He is a very high earner most of our assets came from me, I'm currently a stay at home mum. I will be going back to earning after covid.

@thelnebriati it is abuse, my day is spend avoiding doing things that could cause him to be angry. But he says he is never angry... He makes statements that are totally false and it's the most bizarre situation to be in. This week I answered a question in the wrong way (there was only one answer) and he got cross (not violent) but I hate it when he's mad. For example, he stated that I only put £x amount into our house which is blatantly not true and easily checkable but because I wanted to talk budgets you have to discuss the real figures which this kind of statement totally prevents. This is when I start to loose it because it is so frustrating. Obviously he doesn't want to budget and this kind of tactic derails the whole thing.

It's just the oddest situation because he wants to stay married (I think) but keeps behaving like this. He constructs this story in his counselling that I'm terrible (and without his part portrayed then I really must sound awful), but wants his slave wife to jump to his every whim. I have an older daughter who really told him straight this week and he seemed to listen and be shocked ( because in his mind he's constructed this story of him not behaving badly) but I don't know if he can back down from his constructed version of events and face the reality of his behaviour. Please note that I'm getting my ducks in a row, but we have to live together for now and I have no idea how or when we could sell our house given the current situation.

I’m worried for you. I think if this is your financial position then it is never going to be amicable. Never. This man is provoking you and he wants a fight. He’s desperate you don’t leave. If you do, he is saying he will destroy you financially. It sounds like the lawyer told him it would cost him a lot to divorce.

What this meant is that the lawyer saw that your ex is prepared to spend and ££££££ seems to be available.

You need to consult a lawyer yourself. A good one, if you have assets. Get a negotiated agreement done and take the heat out of this.

Initiate the divorce yourself. Don’t wait.

Don’t say or sign anything on the finances. He is pumping you to agree to some of his lies. This is changing the potential settlement which is incredibly favourable to you as a stay at home mum and him a high earner.

He is manipulating when not actually abusing you. Really. You need him to get to leave, get him to pay maintenance pending suit (first thing to talk to the lawyer about) That will be the mortgage and your living costs to a degree.

Don’t get stuck in what he says. Set the agenda. He is terrified that you will get a most of the settlement with more assets that he. He aims to make you mad or otherwise not able to focus on money. But this is about money.

The best you can do while making plans to leave is not engage with him, beyond simple pleasantries like good morning.

@SandyY2K agree, I'm trying to stick to that. My teen is so upset with him she has brought it all to a head today though. @LexMitior Things have moved on, you are right. We were talking about trying with the counselling (I knew I would be going) but now we have agreed to divorce. He tried to get me to agree a settlement that was crap (today with no legal advice?!!) and I just said we should have a joint lawyer or collaborative lawyers and he said no. He said he's going for half my assets, unbelievable as he earns a fortune and I gave up my business to have a baby and I have a teen. I'm actually feeling really light as I know I will feel better when I'm not living with him. I hate that is has come to this, he seemed so nice. I really pick the ones that seem like Prince Charming and turn into horrid pigs.

Don’t ever have a joint lawyer. No. Get your own.

He will lose. He’s what’s known as “Mister 50 per cent”. They lose but can drag you through the mud.

Get a lawyer. Get maintenance pending suit. And take some savings to pay for this. Really. You will be glad you did.

Understand he is vulnerable. Not you. He is going to work on you until he feels less vulnerable and you need to get him out.

Men who are high earners like money. He wants yours even though he will not get it given via the court. His only hope is to mess you up sufficiently to not go.

The family court exists to protect you and your children. Use it.

Oh golly, it's so exhausting. He says he'll buy me out of the house by raising the mortgage and using his next bonuses. I think it will be hard to sell right now so this may be good. I need legal advice ASAP. So hard when you are locked in together. He says he is absolutely not leaving the house now. I need to think about divorcing, supporting my teen, setting up a business and running it with a 16 mth old. Exhausting.

No.

What you don’t realise is that you are going to get lots of spousal maintenance because this man is a high earner and you have a toddler.

Don’t you set up a business.

Do you understand that he advice he will have got is that he probably has to pay child maintenance and spousal.

Don’t you indicate to him that you are going back to work. That suits him, financially and takes you away from the care of your child.

You need a bloody good lawyer and stop talking to him. He is working you over.

I thought they didn't do spousal maintenance anymore and that you had to go out to work even if you had little ones? He is a big earner but a big spender. It was a huge issue as he never wanted to save or invest which drove me mad. He takes home £12k a month which is loads for us to live on if I was able to get some? I'll get on to a lawyer on Monday. No more divorce talk with him until I have advise. Thank you.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid or Refuge? Talk to them on the phone, they can give you advice and support, and point you to a solicitor.

They also have advice on their website;
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

Your husband knows he has to pay you spousal. This is why he is pushing you to agree.

You have lots of advantages on him.

You can use the court system to get all his financial info. You will get a percentage of his bonus, spousal maintenance and if he earns above 100k then you can get a court order for your child maintenance. Far better than CMS.

You have this man financially by his dangly bits. Is he a blagger or sales type guy? Because he’s pretty good at hiding how many problems he’s got.

See a bloody good lawyer.

You will get loads of it. Jesus. See a financial specialist for your divorce.

As I say, he is in real trouble. His only hope is that you don’t know it.

He is a CEO. I have learnt they are cold blooded, ruthless, sharks.

Get all the financial documents you can. Really. You need to think just like him. In it for yourself.

Do it now. He will hide money. He is a “spender”.

Don't change your financial situation pre divorce. No new job etc. Leave it all till you have had legal advice and probably until after the divorce is final.

God, covid does not help. The only thing I really notice in all this is the lightness of knowing I can go eventually and just enjoy our life instead of treading on eggshells.

I have everything I need and all our savings (my savings actually) are in a joint signature account. Neither of us can access them but they are there. I insisted on this as I started to not trust him.

You need to get some of the money you have now for legal fees. It’s worth it.

Then you need to get the financial info out of the house. Your statements, joint statements, tax, evidence of bonuses, the lot. Get as much as you can. Package it up and give it to a trusted friend. Likewise anything with your financials on it. Deeds, evidence of your assets.

You must initiate the divorce. Speak to a lawyer; not high street. It is worth it. In your circumstances you need a financial specialist who understands the tricks of big earners. Only you know how much money you have.

And buckle up. Be ready to get assets to secure Maintenance Pending Suit. This will pay the mortgage, your living costs and possibly some of the fees.

It’s a job. Your new business is getting a great deal for YOU

@TheSmelliestHouse I can't do anything in lockdown anyway and there is no childcare. He works 14hours or more a day so I'm definitely staying as I am. Thank you.

He’s done you over already as he has control over your savings.

You see? That’s money you can’t use. Get Maintenance Pending Suit.

Thank you @lexmitior I got everything before and then covid happened. Just taking deep breaths. He's told me already he's hitting hard. I guess he doesn't want me to go for his share of the business. Covid has made it successful unfortunately/fortunately. It's so sad it's come to this but I realise it could never have worked.