DH keeps recording me

[trytrytrying]

My DH keeps recording me when we row. He winds me up until I loose it and tell him to F-off and then he records secretly. I can tell he is recording as he changes his personality to sound nice, changes the story of what the row is to make him look good or silently smirks and goads me which obviously doesn't get 'seen' on an audible recording. I have caught him out for these reasons and seen him recording. I have heard one. It made me sad as he thought is showed me badly telling him repeatedly to fuck off but I heard the truth which was that he was goading me and refusing to help me when I was very sick (flu not covid), he mocked me until I was crying and pulled taunting faces until I then told him to fuck off over and over until he finally left me alone.
I am am stuck making the best until after lockdown. How can I protect myself from these select recordings and what should I be aware of? I am mostly avoiding him and avoiding arguing but I sometimes find it hard as he really knows how to get to me.

Protect yourself by getting the heck out of there

He sounds like a total arsehole. He is obviously slagging you off to his friends or playing the victim to people.

Treating you like that when you’re ill is disgusting

You want to get shut of him he sounds like a right dickhead

Go for a walk or go sit quietly in the garden or put headphones on and ignore him or go to bed or change rooms or go for a long soak in the bath. He might goad you but you can decide how to respond. Make a plan for next time it happens

@trytrytrying one thing that I did because I suspected he was going to try to portray me as some crazy abusive monster and unstable so as to have the children removed from me was to report him to the police.

I have them a statement saying I know he is abusing me and how he was crying out the said abuse and informed them of the recordings and my suspicion of what he may try to do with them, I then made sure to get a copy of my statement and kept a detailed record of the crime reference number, officers names and times kept a record of the times in which I suspected I was being recorded in a diary.

When he produced these prodigal recordings it backfired on him big time, maybe you could do something similar?

Also I used to be very petty and say ‘for the purpose of the recording’ every time I knew he was pissing about recording me. Not only did it get his goat and annoy him but it made it clear on the recording I knew what was going on and gave my police report added weight.

Or ring a friend or family member or text them for support.

Assume he’s sharing this stuff with friends etc. You need to start talking to your friends so you have support when you split.

Otherwise you will have been painted as the crazy one. I’m sorry to say that women are more gullible than men on this. Men are pretty good at spotting a mixer like this. Women not so much. They give the benefit of the doubt to men, particularly if your partner is charming and “nice”.

Tell your friends what is happening to you. It is really important and not a source of shame. You will need in the divorce and if they think you are crazy then you will find it very hard to have them as friends.

Don't engage with him at all. He is abusive and manipulative. Protect yourself. Ignore, ignore, ignore. X

Could he be reporting you as evidence in case of any future issues?

Is he doing this using his phone? The second he puts it down anywhere I would accidentally pick it up and accidentally drop it into the sink / toilet. I'd be very apologetic.

@Lightline

Glad a divorce is in the works. No, not "glad", exactly. Just think it's a healthy decision.

Good luck and positive waves!

@bbang I have done that 'for the purpose of the recording' thing too. We are both having counselling, his is having small effects. He is sorry, he won't record again, he says they are just for his use so he can see what goes wrong when we argue. I know I would be stupid to trust this. We were able to discuss it calmly last night. I pointed out that if he knows it's recording then it won't give him an objective view on what happens in our arguments because he changes so much when he knows he is recording. The recordings are sweary but there is no violence. I know that the niceness that is happening this morning will only last so long. He did not start off like this. I did not expect covid while getting my ducks in a row. It is hard as I have no idea how or when we will be able to sell our house and I am trying to keep things as normal and pleasant as possible at this time. The vast majority of the time everything is nice and civil.

@lexmitior I agree, recording me is abusive and looks abusive. In the one I heard I was clearly sounding poorly, pleading for him to leave me alone, saying I was ill and then telling him to fuck off over and over. I was feeling too poorly to argue. Anyone listening would ask why didn't he just leave as I was asking. He does try to make out that I am a bully as his ego can not believe that he is one. He is making evidence to support the view of his false self.

I don't feel the need to record him back. I just want to stay away from all of it. I'm trying to grey rock but it is really hard in lock down. I must not engage but sometimes it is so hard. I really must be successful in doing this and not getting drawn in and triggered. Thank you everyone for the support and advice.

Enough with the excuses. Only you are responsible for your behaviour, regardless of what he says or does. Losing control and telling your partner to fuck off is unacceptable, and if this is how you deal with disagreements, the relationship needs to end

I don’t think I’ve ever read a post that more spectacularly misses the point.

@bbang I have done that 'for the purpose of the recording' thing too. We are both having counselling, his is having small effects. He is sorry, he won't record again, he says they are just for his use so he can see what goes wrong when we argue. I know I would be stupid to trust this. We were able to discuss it calmly last night. I pointed out that if he knows it's recording then it won't give him an objective view on what happens in our arguments because he changes so much when he knows he is recording. The recordings are sweary but there is no violence. I know that the niceness that is happening this morning will only last so long. He did not start off like this. I did not expect covid while getting my ducks in a row. It is hard as I have no idea how or when we will be able to sell our house and I am trying to keep things as normal and pleasant as possible at this time. The vast majority of the time everything is nice and civil.

@lexmitior I agree, recording me is abusive and looks abusive. In the one I heard I was clearly sounding poorly, pleading for him to leave me alone, saying I was ill and then telling him to fuck off over and over. I was feeling too poorly to argue. Anyone listening would ask why didn't he just leave as I was asking. He does try to make out that I am a bully as his ego cannot believe that he is one. He is making evidence to support the view of his false self.

I don't think I should record him back. I just want to stay away from all of it. I'm trying to grey rock but it is really hard in lock down. I must not engage when it starts to go wrong but sometimes it is so hard. I really must be successful in doing this and not getting drawn in and triggered. Thank you everyone for the support and advice.

He is making evidence to support the view of his false self.

This^^

Do try really hard to disengage though, because that false self can fool a lot of people for at least some of the time.

The bath suggestion is really good but possibly only good for once a day. Do you have a set of ear buds you could put in your ears? Music you could listen to?

Don't engage at all - it's too late when it all starts to go tits up. Ignore, leave the room, distract yourself.

I know how hard it is not to react when someone is trying to get a rise. My ex used to do this. Deep down I knew ignoring him was the best thing but I felt like each time he did it, it chipped away another piece of me.
Doesn't matter why he does it, or how you react to it - the bottom line is that 2 people who love each other do not behave like this. He sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant person who has nothing but disdain for you.

he says they are just for his use so he can see what goes wrong when we argue. I know I would be stupid to trust this
You'd be a fool to trust him.
He's gathering 'evidence' of your 'mental health' to use against you when you eventually do leave him.

I'd speak to the police about it - and then you've also got a log to refer to if he brings it up in court.

I agree you need to go to the police.

Set up a hidden camera in each room. Record him and keep the recordings as proof.

Sounds a nightmare op

Why must some people be sooooooo fucking exhausting?
You know this isn’t right he is a complete joke.

You deserve better OP,

@thestoic thank you so much.

@anotherdisaster I know, I am totally aware but he knows every button to press. I've been really thinking about what triggers me. There are three things, 1) Criticising the words I use Ie. If I say you didn't need to 'shout' at me he will say he wasn't shouting so we then have a row about shouting, raised voice, sounding annoyed etc etc which takes ages. 2) He interrupts me half way through a sentence so I never get to finish my point. 3) He make absolutely false statements (gas lighting) which are incredulous and I feel the need to voice my exasperation!

Now I have thought it through I need to not rise to the bate.

@Monkeymonkey2010 surely the courts are not interested unless an actual case of abuse or neglect of children is made? This is just him being a dick?

@warsawa31 I know. I really do deserve better. He seemed so nice. My daughter thought he was so nice.
How could we have known? We now have a young son, it's such a deep shame.

The courts might not be interested...but imagine how it will look to CAFCASS or solicitors when he shows them, as part of some scheme to 'take the kids off you'.

Or he could show them to family/friends to get them on his side.

What he is doing is domestic abuse.

''Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour on the part of the abuser designed to control his partner.''
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

Spotting the signs;
Is your partner jealous and possessive?
Does he play mind games and make you doubt your judgment?
Does he use anger and intimidation to frighten and control you?

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/What-is-abuse

Get one of these for yourself and record him. Just for evidence I know you're exhausted but you can just put it down and record.

www.amazon.co.uk/Trustin-recorder-Recording-Flashing-Compatible-black/dp/B07G1BC1V9?pf_rd_p=039e18f1-de7e-51e5-b900-f1e82a276e2b&pf_rd_r=V91XFE91ZREGYH1V2370&pf_rd_s=merchandised-search-10&pf_rd_t=BROWSE&ref_=s9_apbd_orecs_hd_bw_bsJH9&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&pf_rd_i=12943811

I completely agree with @LexMitior. He thinks he’s being incredibly clever, when in fact he’s being incredibly dumb. Courts are interested in facts. The only thing he is proving is his unreasonable behaviour.

He would have to disclose any “secret” tape to you first or it would be inadmissible at court anyway. I think any solicitor worth their salt wouldn’t want to touch that one with a barge pole. It’s incredibly childish and will do him no favours. I wouldn’t stoop to that level either.