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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Are all men the same???

95 replies

Wellwellwell01 · 03/05/2020 22:53

Are all men like this? If so, how do you ladies handle it? I’m at the end of my tether and am feeling quite down and don’t really know what to do next.
My DP of two years has an attitude to women which he seems to think is perfectly normal but I find it really insensitive and more the actions of a single man.
On Instagram, he follows loads of those bikini models- you know the ones- boobs and bums. On Facebook, he’s got loads of likes pages and groups of the same things- women with their bums and boobs out, naked ones with a small item covering their bits, legs open with a little thong on pulled right into her vag. We’ve had countless “discussions” about these as these things make me feel worthless- he likes these pictures and has on a couple of occasions left comments. He’s deleted them telling me he’s sorry then they magically reappear. Last night, laying in bed, he was looking at his Facebook page and a photo of a woman in a tiny bikini, half her boobs hanging out popped up. When I asked what he was looking at, he said it was part of a tattoo group (she had a tiny tattoo). When I asked what group, he went to their page and it was all half naked women with tattoos. I got upset and he told me I’m controlling and that he should be able to look at what he wants because every man he knows watches porn and has that stuff on their phone and it’s healthy and normal to do so. He then said if we were out for dinner and an attractive woman walked in, he should be allowed to look at her as it’s normal to see beauty in people. We argued and have only just started talking because he told me that he loves me and that just because he’s looking at other women, it doesn’t mean he loves me any less or that he’s going to have an affair. I’m completely fed up and have come to bed alone.
He also had a few of his ex girlfriends on Facebook and Instagram. He was liking pictures of them in bikinis. He told me he only had one ex on there and at my request, he deleted her. He then let slip about this other ex. When I looked at her page, he’d liked loads of her photos since being with me.
On Facebook as well, I saw on his following list a very attractive young lady. When I looked at her page to see what she was famous for, it turns out that she’s a normal woman that was working somewhere he had been working for a couple of weeks. When I asked who she was, he said he’d never heard of her. When I asked why he was following her, he saidhe didn’t know who she was and that Facebook must have automatically followed her. He unfollowed her after a lot of innocence protesting.
Why do men do this? Does it mean he’s looking out for a bit of fun? It makes me feel really inadequate, he can’t fancy me that much if he’s looking at that lot. Why keep his exes on his friends lists?

OP posts:
Hotwaterbottlelove · 03/05/2020 22:56

Nope, they aren't all this disgusting. Keep looking for a better one and set that bar higher.

category12 · 03/05/2020 22:56

No, all men are not like this.

ThreeFish · 03/05/2020 22:57

No.
Not all men are like this.

IHaveBrilloHair · 03/05/2020 22:58

The fact that you had to ask makes me think you'd be better off single.

GilbertMarkham · 03/05/2020 23:00

No, I don't think all men do this.

Whether you stay with him or not, I would give him a taste of his own medicine.

I find mist men don't like this one bit and suddenly develop quite an understanding of how and why it might feel uncomfortable.

Follow and look at lots of pics of male fitness models in skimpy kit, of hot firemen, policemen etc.

The secretaries in s place i used to work shared memes of male strippers pulling down their firemen outfits to show their ahem sizeable appendages.

Look up pics of hit male actors with kit off - some women look.st and share stuff like this all the time.

See his he likes it.

Aside from this, maybe he's not for you (he wouldn't be for me, I can tell you that).

HillieBoliday · 03/05/2020 23:00

No. He is utterly yeuch. Controlling indeed. Sad🙄
Let him do what the fuck he likes elsewhere, nowhere near you.

GilbertMarkham · 03/05/2020 23:01

*how he likes it

Thekindyoufindinasecondhand · 03/05/2020 23:03

No all men aren't like that-committed, mature men don't act like this. If he wants to look at images/porn of other women then that's one thing, but to be openly doing it next to you is disrespectful. I'd also question the whole 'liking' of other women's pictures, what's he hoping to gain? Is he looking for them to message him? etc.
In any relationship if your partner knows something they are doing is hurting you, and carries on doing it then its up to you if you value yourself enough to walk away.

Coffeecak3 · 03/05/2020 23:04

He's a sleaze.

Soen · 03/05/2020 23:04

I'd dump him OP. No man is worth this much stress.

MashedSpud · 03/05/2020 23:06

He’s disgusting.

Leave him then he will realise that ogling other people’s daughters is a lonely thing when no one will shag him.

Nancydrawn · 03/05/2020 23:06

No, not all men are like this.

The grown-up men I know actually find this behavior pretty gross too.

Aerial2020 · 03/05/2020 23:07

Perv
Dump him.
Or start looking at half naked men online and see if he likes it.

thepeopleversuswork · 03/05/2020 23:12

No, all men aren't like this. He sounds absolutely vile, even by the standards of sexist men.

How have you been able to tolerate being with someone who randomly follows women on FB in bikinis. The mind boggles.

You sound as if you have seriously low self-esteem. Trust me, you could do better.

Soen · 03/05/2020 23:14

There would be no point in playing him at his own game and looking at hot men to make him understand how it feels.

I think he already 'gets' how he is making OP feel but is choosing to put his boner first.

Also, whilst he might not like it when the shoe is on the other foot, it is rarely enough for men of this calibre to have that epiphany moment and stop. He won't. He will keep doing it and hide the fact all the more. He has already said he doesnt know the woman he is following online.

Seriously, life is too short for arguing over something that he won't be prepared to change. Just dump him and find someone with better standards.

GilbertMarkham · 03/05/2020 23:16

If you need inspiration;

Jesse Pavelka
David Handy
Ruben Cortada
Joe Manganiello
Chris Hemsworth
Chris Evans (Captain America)
Jason Statham
Hugh Jackman
Channing Tatum
Alexander Scarsguard
Henry Cavill
Chris Pratt
Ryan Gosling
etc.

You'd have to search for "physique" or you'll probably get fully clothed shots.

(These are male porn actors)

Chad White
Johnny Castle/Brock
Charles Dera

Maybe watch all Magic Mike films on repeat Grin. Though Matthew mcconaghy gives me the creeps in them.

There are calendars of French etc rugby steed called "dieu (or dieus) de stade".

GilbertMarkham · 03/05/2020 23:17

I think he already 'gets' how he is making OP feel

They never really get it til it's done to them, save with Lao dances etc.

I agree however that it's probably best to dump.

GilbertMarkham · 03/05/2020 23:18

*same with lap dances etc .

GilbertMarkham · 03/05/2020 23:19

*that would be Gandy, not Handy Grin

MonkeyToesOfDoom · 03/05/2020 23:20

I’m at the end of my tether and am feeling quite down and don’t really know what to do next.
My DP....

What you do next, is find a better DP, the one you've got is a fucking twat.

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/05/2020 23:20

Not all men do this. I’d say most do and that many also grow out of it as they mature. So, more 20-30yr olds will do this than 50-60yr olds for example. The older they get, the more disgusting it is. So, it depends how old he is in a way?

If he’s in his 20s and he’s looking at 20-30yr old women, he could still grow up and mature out of it.

If he’s over 40, its disgustingly sleazy and he will probably never stop.

GilbertMarkham · 03/05/2020 23:21

And yeah he probably won't stop, but I'd give him a good taste of his own medicine before I dumped.

BackseatCookers · 03/05/2020 23:23

Firstly not all men are like that and secondly why are you with someone who has such obviously different boundaries to you?!

You are not compatible and the proof of that is the fact you're now insecure enough to be policing social media and he's disrespectful enough to not give a shit enough about you to stop doing things he well knows will make you feel shit.

Why are you flogging this dead horse?!

Candyfloss99 · 03/05/2020 23:25

No not all men only sleezebags.

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 03/05/2020 23:25

My dp has never done anything like this to my knowledge, but I see posts like this on MN almost every day so yeh, I think a lot of men are like this. Not all, maybe not even most, but a decently large number. And no, I'm sure they don't see anything wrong with it, because they see women as lesser than them. They aren't real humans to them, they just exist as either "women with big tits" or "women who cook my dinner". Would I ever choose to be with a man like that? No, I'd rather be single til my dying day. But a disappointingly large number of women seem to believe its an acceptable compromise to have a man in their lives.