Are all men the same???

[Wellwellwell01]

Are all men like this? If so, how do you ladies handle it? I’m at the end of my tether and am feeling quite down and don’t really know what to do next.
My DP of two years has an attitude to women which he seems to think is perfectly normal but I find it really insensitive and more the actions of a single man.
On Instagram, he follows loads of those bikini models- you know the ones- boobs and bums. On Facebook, he’s got loads of likes pages and groups of the same things- women with their bums and boobs out, naked ones with a small item covering their bits, legs open with a little thong on pulled right into her vag. We’ve had countless “discussions” about these as these things make me feel worthless- he likes these pictures and has on a couple of occasions left comments. He’s deleted them telling me he’s sorry then they magically reappear. Last night, laying in bed, he was looking at his Facebook page and a photo of a woman in a tiny bikini, half her boobs hanging out popped up. When I asked what he was looking at, he said it was part of a tattoo group (she had a tiny tattoo). When I asked what group, he went to their page and it was all half naked women with tattoos. I got upset and he told me I’m controlling and that he should be able to look at what he wants because every man he knows watches porn and has that stuff on their phone and it’s healthy and normal to do so. He then said if we were out for dinner and an attractive woman walked in, he should be allowed to look at her as it’s normal to see beauty in people. We argued and have only just started talking because he told me that he loves me and that just because he’s looking at other women, it doesn’t mean he loves me any less or that he’s going to have an affair. I’m completely fed up and have come to bed alone.
He also had a few of his ex girlfriends on Facebook and Instagram. He was liking pictures of them in bikinis. He told me he only had one ex on there and at my request, he deleted her. He then let slip about this other ex. When I looked at her page, he’d liked loads of her photos since being with me.
On Facebook as well, I saw on his following list a very attractive young lady. When I looked at her page to see what she was famous for, it turns out that she’s a normal woman that was working somewhere he had been working for a couple of weeks. When I asked who she was, he said he’d never heard of her. When I asked why he was following her, he saidhe didn’t know who she was and that Facebook must have automatically followed her. He unfollowed her after a lot of innocence protesting.
Why do men do this? Does it mean he’s looking out for a bit of fun? It makes me feel really inadequate, he can’t fancy me that much if he’s looking at that lot. Why keep his exes on his friends lists?

The good ones get married and stay that way

Or, you know, get widowed.

It's disrespectful and the fact he carries on when he knows it's upsetting you is downright nasty and uncaring. he should be making you feel cherished and loved not ogling over other women.

It’s pointless doing the same because a) it’s not authentic so a complete waste of time and energy and b) lots of men don’t give a shit and it would justify his objectification of women even more.

In one way I agree.

In another, I got v upset/angry when my do went into a lap dancing club on a stag do (if it hasn't been a stag do I would've ended the relationship) ...he's not an insensitive person in many ways but I think he was in the "it's harmless really, there nothing in it, it means nothing, it's just what people do on stag dos" way of thinking.

I found one if the very few male lap dancing clubs (well.a regular night rather than a club) at Caesars in streatham and went with done friends and had group and individual lap dances.

It certainly focused his mind on why and how a partner would feel.hurt, icky, v uncomfortable etc about it.

I'm always for giving it back - let them really see how it feels to be on the receiving end.

Whether op ends it or not.

Back on the main topic - I agree with the poster who said the the other important thing about behaviour like this is that it suggests they may be a potential cheater.

Guys who follow models, porn actress, women they think.are attractive etc on SM , like their posts and pics, sometimes even message them etc. seem to be still "looking", still open to sexual/romantic interactions with the opposite sex. You winded if their fidelity is directly parallel to their lack of opportunities and what would happen if they had one.

• wonder

No, the only man I've had a ''relationship'' with who did shit like this, I left him.

Interestig @gilbertMarham how did things end, did he say ''oh I GET it now, you weren't being unreasonable to be upset, I should have shown more respect to you and to women generally''. Or did he say, well, you've done it too and you intentionally went back for more... So you have given me carte blanche to l crack on with whatever I want to do.

Not all men are like this. You don't have to tolerate this crap. Plus a really good lover focuses on your body and its unique, beautiful responses. He doesn't letch over random strangers. You will never get the relationship - or the sex - you deserve with this creep.

I would give him a taste of his own medicine, just out of interest in his reaction, but I would still be counting the days to dump him.

Massive disrespect and immature behaviour.

The real concern is that he won't curtail something that you have made clear seriously upsets you, especially when in the grand scheme of things it's something that should be fairly trivial to him. It's not like you're trying to force him into religion or to give up meat, is it? So either ogling other women is very important to him (thus he's a grade A sleaze who objectifies women rather than seeing them as people) or he doesn't give a shit about your feelings. Whichever it is, you could do a lot better.

No not all men are like this.
Set your bar higher. Nobody deserves to be made to feel worthless by their partner.

yes that's it in a nutshell OP, as @tootruetobegood said, It's either very important to him to objectify women, or he doesn't give a shit that it hurts your feelings. And the BEST case scenario here is that it's only one of those two. I suspect it's both.

You winded if their fidelity is directly parallel to their lack of opportunities and what would happen if they had one.

@GilbertMarkham i think you nailed it. It’s a ‘safe’ chase. Bored with the indoors, carry on chasing. They don’t have a chance with these models but given the opportunity, I doubt they would stop and think about their beautiful wife.... 🤔
Sadly the wonders of the internet nowadays gives more opportunities, more accessible, cheaper (all the cam girls, even a thread on virtual porn session?!). Where does the visual stop and the cheating behaviour starts?

Most men will look at attractive women because that’s how brains commonly work. We are messy creatures constantly looking to reproduce. That’s why monogamy and marriage are such important social contracts as they curb most people’s natural urges. So most men/people will look at attractive people but keep it to themselves out of respect.

it’s not authentic

Also, after a little bit of time looking at gorgeous men, you.might find it does become authentic!

Not all men are like this no. Speaking for myself, I have a healthy interest in sex much like the next person but I find these constant photos of vacuous looking social media models in bikinis do absolutely nothing for me.

This has been compounded recently during the epidemic when there’s more of a focus on the the people in critical roles and things that matter - family, health, etc - yet the Instagram ‘models’ continue to do nothing but post bikini pics screaming “look at me, look at me!!!” They have literally nothing else to offer.

how did things end, did he say ''oh I GET it now, you weren't being unreasonable to be upset, I should have shown more respect to you and to women generally''. Or did he say, well, you've done it too and you .intentionally went back for more

Even before I did it he said he understood how it was uncomfortable/hurtful; after I did it he got it even more.

He accepted it as my getting even, as it were, for his decision to go into the lap dancing club (where he said he received a "table dance" with the price of entry .. let's face it, you never know exactly).

We agreed that it was inappropriate in a relationship and that would be that. He understood that him going into the type of establishment while in a relationship with me would mean the end of the relationship.

I would not normally be going to male strip shows/reviews or that type of club (the latter is rare anyway) so there was no ongoing thing with him saying "well you do a, b, c" and he knew I would not accept him doing anything like it again.

Privately using porn (although disagreeable in some ways itself) and openly disrespecting you by publicly following both models and women he has come into contact with in person are entirely different things.

No, not all men are like this, although plenty of young men are.

It's, unfortunately, so normalised in our society that women are objects at which men are entitled to ogle and social media does nothing but perpetuate this. Platforms literally offering you pages of free stimulation, out in the open, make it seem like an okay thing.

But it's not okay. It's not okay that he is making you feel this way. It's not okay that he isn't taking your feelings on board and it's not okay that he's acting like a creep.

Fuck No.

more respect to you and to women generally

I wouldn't say that he is disrespectful towards women in general etc. - he was put under pressure to go in on a stag do and felt he'd be breaking away from the group and annoying the stag by not going along with it.

Prior to that incident, I'm aware that he went into a strip/Lao dancing club on one or two occasions as a v young man (and single) out of curiosity and without too.much thought about ethics. He said he found it fake, awkward, weird, a waste of money etc. and did not repeat it.

No. He's being disrespectful. Not all men are like this at all, and saying your controlling for bringing it up is wrong. If he won't change then you need to accept it or leave as harsh as that sounds 😞

(I don't think he thought about ethics because the women were local, a student in one case and he probably thought they could get other work or benefits of they wanted to).

His behaviour is crass and unpleasant .Ogling pictures like this when he knows it upsets you is disrespectful .What is he like otherwise? Does he do his share around the house .Is he kind to you ? I think he needs to be told straight out by you that this is a dealbreaker and you cant carry on like this .

What a pig. He sees women as objects for men. For him this is a belief not a choice.
He doesn't care what you think. You are not wrong. Trust your gut.
He'll try to get around you as soon as realises access to a handy vagina is in danger. Don't fall for it. He won't change.

He sounds like an immature pig of a man. What a sad and creepy hobby he has. I would move on. Why would you want somebody who is so mentally limited to think this is a good way to pass the day.

As a man, honestly no not all men are like this. Your definitely with what we call from my part of the world a 'wrong un'. He's carrying on as if he's single, looking at pictures of naked women on his phone, associating with his exes on Facebook are not acceptable. He clearly has no respect for you or how you feel. I wonder how he'd feel if you had images on your phone of good looking well endowed guys. If he cared anything about you he'd hate it but probably accuse you of behaving in a slutty way. Chances are he's probably to arrogant to notice. You only get treated how you let people treat you. Give this wanker the boot...or even better show the Twat these posts!