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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Are all men the same???

95 replies

Wellwellwell01 · 03/05/2020 22:53

Are all men like this? If so, how do you ladies handle it? I’m at the end of my tether and am feeling quite down and don’t really know what to do next.
My DP of two years has an attitude to women which he seems to think is perfectly normal but I find it really insensitive and more the actions of a single man.
On Instagram, he follows loads of those bikini models- you know the ones- boobs and bums. On Facebook, he’s got loads of likes pages and groups of the same things- women with their bums and boobs out, naked ones with a small item covering their bits, legs open with a little thong on pulled right into her vag. We’ve had countless “discussions” about these as these things make me feel worthless- he likes these pictures and has on a couple of occasions left comments. He’s deleted them telling me he’s sorry then they magically reappear. Last night, laying in bed, he was looking at his Facebook page and a photo of a woman in a tiny bikini, half her boobs hanging out popped up. When I asked what he was looking at, he said it was part of a tattoo group (she had a tiny tattoo). When I asked what group, he went to their page and it was all half naked women with tattoos. I got upset and he told me I’m controlling and that he should be able to look at what he wants because every man he knows watches porn and has that stuff on their phone and it’s healthy and normal to do so. He then said if we were out for dinner and an attractive woman walked in, he should be allowed to look at her as it’s normal to see beauty in people. We argued and have only just started talking because he told me that he loves me and that just because he’s looking at other women, it doesn’t mean he loves me any less or that he’s going to have an affair. I’m completely fed up and have come to bed alone.
He also had a few of his ex girlfriends on Facebook and Instagram. He was liking pictures of them in bikinis. He told me he only had one ex on there and at my request, he deleted her. He then let slip about this other ex. When I looked at her page, he’d liked loads of her photos since being with me.
On Facebook as well, I saw on his following list a very attractive young lady. When I looked at her page to see what she was famous for, it turns out that she’s a normal woman that was working somewhere he had been working for a couple of weeks. When I asked who she was, he said he’d never heard of her. When I asked why he was following her, he saidhe didn’t know who she was and that Facebook must have automatically followed her. He unfollowed her after a lot of innocence protesting.
Why do men do this? Does it mean he’s looking out for a bit of fun? It makes me feel really inadequate, he can’t fancy me that much if he’s looking at that lot. Why keep his exes on his friends lists?

OP posts:
Bbq1 · 04/05/2020 10:32

Ugh. No, not all men are like that by any means. Dh isnt. Tbh, we don't do fb or Instagram but one picture of an ex girlfriend even clothed would be a massive red flag but liking bikini pics of them...yuk. Get rid, you van do better.

sotiredwe · 04/05/2020 10:38

I do think some of this behaviour is normalised though. So many celebs post naked sexy photos on insta & if you watch music videos they are pretty porni & I'm only in my 30s & remembers when Britters (very tame now) caused a stir! I think it's quite hard for younger men to navigate tbh.

Mistystar99 · 04/05/2020 10:42

No, you have acquired yourself a minger here OP. Get rid asap.

NoMoreDickheads · 04/05/2020 10:53

A lot of men are sleazy, but not all.

Doing this and calling you controlling if you aren't happy with it isn't good.

Two years isn't long in the great scheme of things- you could find a bloke who isn't like it if you don't like it.

NoMoreDickheads · 04/05/2020 10:54

And exes etc is far worse.

ChristmasFluff · 04/05/2020 10:55

Yuck, no, not even all young men are like this, by a long chalk.

He doesn't even respect you enough to not look at it around you. It's like as if he was pasting page 3 of the sun on your walls.

Dump the grubber ASAP - he's certainly not worth the time or inauthenticity of playing at his own game. Having standards is not about making others conform to them - it is conforming to them yourself, and removing those who don't meet the bar you have set.

Chillipeanuts · 04/05/2020 10:56

No, that’s horrendous. Sorry.

PearPickingPorky · 04/05/2020 11:04

Of course all men are not like this. I've never been in a relationship with a man who is like this.

Bin him and set yourself higher standards.

paap1975 · 04/05/2020 11:04

He sounds creepy, sorry. My DH is absolutely not like this. Find yourself someone decent. You do not want to spend the rest of your life with someone who treats women like this.

SimonJT · 04/05/2020 14:18

No, some people may follow a celeb they fancy a bit on social media, but there’s a huge difference between that and what your husband is doing.

Youcanstay · 04/05/2020 15:24

They may not ALL be like that, but c’mon, so so many are. It really isin’t easy to find one who doesn’t do this, at least on a some level.
I’m suprised how many on this thread are syin their partner isin’t like that.
Don’t get me wrong! Lucky women, good for them, truly!

Oldrockman · 04/05/2020 15:34

No not bothered by looking at other women, nor porn or anything of that ilk. It seems like a waste of time, he says wasting time here, but also rather boring. I would also feel that I was being disrespectful towards my partner by leching at other women and women in general when single.

SueEllenMishke · 04/05/2020 16:00

They may not ALL be like that, but c’mon, so so many are. It really isin’t easy to find one who doesn’t do this, at least on a some level.

I think you need to set higher standards ......i know lots of men who aren't like this.

Youcanstay · 04/05/2020 16:17

I have been told i have TOO high of standards, when i’ve said i don’t want to date someone who follow these kind of things or watches porn...
I don’t know what to say, can’t say that i’ve met such men.

But like said, lucky women on this thread indeed.
And to apperently know MANY men who don’t behave like this!

SueEllenMishke · 04/05/2020 16:50

My husband doesn't even have social media - other than a works twitter and LinkedIn. Obviously he doesn't follow accounts like the OP describes as it would be unprofessional. He would also find it very disrespectful.
A number of our male friends are the same - none or minimal social media. Most of them are late 40's early 50's though so maybe that's the difference....

PancakesAndSyrup · 04/05/2020 16:56

No, he sounds really sleazy OP

kateybeth79 · 04/05/2020 17:01

No they're not. Although I'm surprised at how many married men I know that seem to be lovely family men on the outside, but are sleezy, dick pic sending cheats irl!

sotiredwe · 04/05/2020 17:27

@youcanstay I would say it's an age thing, people older than 35 are less likely to use instagram etc

AgentJohnson · 04/05/2020 17:51

No, not all men are like this and if they were, would that be reason enough for you to stay with this pig?

This man’s attitude to women is incompatible with yours, which begs the question, why are you choosing to stay with him?

You have choices, changing him isn’t one of them. This is who he is, accept it or move on.

Gobbycop · 04/05/2020 18:04

No

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