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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I have the right to ask my husband not to touch me?

84 replies

heartheal · 03/05/2020 10:52

DH and I haven’t had a physical relationship for years. He gave up instigating sex over a decade ago, he would be up for it if I pulled out all the stops (dressed up) but wouldn’t go down on me or finger me for example. We discussed it many times, all the right things said but nothing changed. We had counselling.

The last time we had sex it was awful. No foreplay and me lying there dying for it to be over. I stopped trying and that was that. That was 5 years ago. The last year or so he seems to have noticed me again. He hugs me, kisses me, paws me. I hate undressing in front of him as he will squeeze my bum or make some comment. Obviously now we are at home the whole time this is magnifying everything.

I just don’t feel that way towards him. He is like a friend and I don’t really feel it’s my fault as I tried for many years to reignite things before accepting very sadly that he didn’t fancy me. If he started paying this attention many years ago I would have been happy but now I am increasingly hating it. He will also use baby talk when asking for kisses and cuddle and it’s not sexy.

He would be gutted to know how I feel but it’s getting harder as I don’t feel I have any personal space and my body is not my own. I guess I do have the right to tell him but it is the fall out I am afraid of.

He is a decent guy, good father, treats me well. But I don’t fancy him and I can’t see that changing after so many years.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 03/05/2020 10:54

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CayrolBaaaskin · 03/05/2020 10:54

Totally reasonable for you to not want him to touch you. It would also be reasonable for him to end the relationship without having had a physical relationship for such a long time.

Pelleas · 03/05/2020 10:55

Of course you have the right.

Original poster
heartheal · 03/05/2020 10:56

Because we had children and this is the only part of our relationship that doesn’t work well. Otherwise we are a great team. At one point I thought he might be gay. But I don’t think he is being abusive as he doesn’t realise how it makes me feel. I’m hiding it as how can I tell him?

OP posts:
EastMidsMumOf1 · 03/05/2020 10:56

You shouldn't have to feel that way in what should be a happy marriage. You totally have the right to who touches you but I dont know why you haven't looked into divorce yet if you only see him as a friend?

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/05/2020 10:57

He is a decent guy, good father, treats me well.

It doesn’t come across that way.

Have you asked him what’s changed?

I’m afraid that pawing you and making you feel uncomfortable and lacking in bodily autonomy are the opposite of being decent or demonstrating care for you.

I couldn’t live like this, you sound incredibly unhappy. There’s no bar of misery you have to reach to leave Flowers

Original poster
heartheal · 03/05/2020 10:58

He doesn’t seem to have had a problem with the lack of sex it was him who lost interest! It’s literally only the last 12 months he seems to have discovered that he fancies me.

OP posts:
Baseline2815 · 03/05/2020 11:00

Of course you have the right.

But do you two still want to be married? Physical affection and sex seem huge things to give up. I mean, to each their own and all, but are you sure?

AnotherEmma · 03/05/2020 11:00

"But I don’t think he is being abusive as he doesn’t realise how it makes me feel. I’m hiding it as how can I tell him?"

Seriously? You did all this and you think he doesn't know how you feel?

"We discussed it many times, all the right things said but nothing changed. We had counselling."

Of course he knows, he just doesn't care. He doesn't give a shit about your sexual pleasure, only his own. Your body is a sex doll to him.

You should tell him to stop sexual harassing you, though. He will probably ignore you but you should at least try.

Original poster
heartheal · 03/05/2020 11:03

Yeah physical affection and sex is a massive thing to give up. I wish I’d opened up to my friends about it in the past but I just couldn’t admit that he wasn’t interested in me sexually. So I just ploughed on.

OP posts:
1Wildheartsease · 03/05/2020 11:06

Is he less than perceptive about your feelings?

Has he suddenly thought he might lose you?

I would find it surprising if his need for the physical had suddenly changed. Has something happened to make him think that you might part?

Perhaps he thinks that you want this (as he thought you used to do) and that if he doesn't act in this way, he might lose you.

Talking - and explaining in direct terms - what you do and don't like is probably a start. That and trying to find reasons for this unwelcome change in behaviour.

princessTiasmum · 03/05/2020 11:07

Why the sudden interest in sex,do you think he has been watching porn maybe,and got him going again,if so he is just using you

chipsandgin · 03/05/2020 11:09

Do you think perhaps he’s been getting intimacy elsewhere and in the current situation it isn’t possible & you are (for want of a better word) ‘to hand?

I can’t begin to imagine not having sex with a partner for any significant length of time - let alone 5 or 10 years (& for reference am nearly 50, a Mum of two and DH and I have been together for 19 years - I would anticipate barring medical issues that either of us would leave and move on if the other was no longer interested, probably within 3 to 6 months at a guess). How have you lasted this long!?

As for now - the groping & baby talk are both a bit repulsive and U-turn is suspicious (unless he’s really trying to save the relationship?). Can you sit down and talk it through without confrontation? Have you ever thought of moving on yourself, it sounds so sad to be stuck in that situation. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
heartheal · 03/05/2020 11:14

@1Wildheartsease I think it coincides with a change in me. I got a job I really enjoyed and it did wonders for my confidence. That could have made me more attractive but I also wonder whether he started to see me how others might see me rather than not seeing me at all.

OP posts:
NotDavidTennant · 03/05/2020 11:14

I think you need to be honest with him that you want a platonic relationship with no physical affection. But you need to be prepared that he may not want to stay in the relationship on those terms.

Baseline2815 · 03/05/2020 11:15

Have you considered splitting up? Because 'we haven't had a good physical relationship for a decade' is a valid reason.

I can only imagine the impact on your sense of self-worth. I imagine it makes it much more difficult to leave the situation.

Do you have a friend in reallife to open up to? Or maybe a therapist?

Original poster
heartheal · 03/05/2020 11:15

Honest chat without confrontation is a very good idea

OP posts:
Baseline2815 · 03/05/2020 11:16

Good for you about the job!!

whatdoyoudonow · 03/05/2020 11:17

Of course you have a right!

It sounds like you both want a different kind of relationship.
Whilst a non-physical 'partnership might be working for you, he obviously feels differently.

You should separate. For both your sakes.

Original poster
heartheal · 03/05/2020 11:17

I guess I was afraid to break up my kids lives because I was not getting sex.

OP posts:
whynotchangemore · 03/05/2020 11:18

I understand as I'm in the exact same situation., it's been 4+ years here and just the thought of it..
but all other aspects work well.

To be honest I'm considering if this is how I'd like to live and lockdown has highlighted many cracks o didn't see before, amazing what keeping busy hides.

whatdoyoudonow · 03/05/2020 11:19

I guess I was afraid to break up my kids lives because I was not getting sex.

Is this a reverse?

Nobody should stay in a platonic relationship against their will.

Nobody should stay in a sexual relationship against their will.

You need to separate.

Original poster
heartheal · 03/05/2020 11:19

He was the one who caused the non physical relationship. We’ve been together for 15 years and it’s literally only the last 12 months he has been paying me attention.

OP posts:
Original poster
heartheal · 03/05/2020 11:21

No it’s not a reverse

I knew for many years he had no interest in having sex with me. But I was afraid to divorce abd all that comes with it based on that alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
heartheal · 03/05/2020 11:23

@whynotchangemore I’m sorry you are in the same situation. I’d say don’t let it become 10 years!

I used to sit and listen to my friends saying their husbands would be pestering them for a shag and think’no I don’t have that problem!’ But I couldn’t admit it.

OP posts: