Do I have the right to ask my husband not to touch me?

[heartheal]

DH and I haven’t had a physical relationship for years. He gave up instigating sex over a decade ago, he would be up for it if I pulled out all the stops (dressed up) but wouldn’t go down on me or finger me for example. We discussed it many times, all the right things said but nothing changed. We had counselling.

The last time we had sex it was awful. No foreplay and me lying there dying for it to be over. I stopped trying and that was that. That was 5 years ago. The last year or so he seems to have noticed me again. He hugs me, kisses me, paws me. I hate undressing in front of him as he will squeeze my bum or make some comment. Obviously now we are at home the whole time this is magnifying everything.

I just don’t feel that way towards him. He is like a friend and I don’t really feel it’s my fault as I tried for many years to reignite things before accepting very sadly that he didn’t fancy me. If he started paying this attention many years ago I would have been happy but now I am increasingly hating it. He will also use baby talk when asking for kisses and cuddle and it’s not sexy.

He would be gutted to know how I feel but it’s getting harder as I don’t feel I have any personal space and my body is not my own. I guess I do have the right to tell him but it is the fall out I am afraid of.

He is a decent guy, good father, treats me well. But I don’t fancy him and I can’t see that changing after so many years.

Off course you have the right, he also has the right yo think your relationship is over and to plan for divorce and look for a more fulfilling relationship

I’m struggling with the timeline tbh
Over a decade ago you wanted sex but he rarely did and didn’t really make any effort to pleasure you.
You had counselling that didn’t answer any questions really and didn’t result in any improvement. Between 5/10 years ago.
Five years ago you had crap sex that you didn’t enjoy.
In the last year he has begun pawing you and trying to instigate sex.

But you’ve not discussed in the last year what’s going on in your mind or asked what what’s going on in his?

Yes, whether these things have a definite answer or not, often depends on how fixed in their view one or both parties is and how prepared they both are to talk and want to seriously consider options for making it work in the future.

If Op is done with DH sexually, but sex is increasingly important to DH, they might not be compatible and have no future moving forward. However, if they are prepared to talk and be open-minded to possibilities there might be a future. Often a future is partly dependant on being willing to forgive and move forward from past hurts - Op has been hurt by DHs rejection in the past - she might be able to get beyond this or not.

It would seem likely to me that the possibility of a totally sex and touching free scenario which pleases both is pretty unlikely.

This pair both seem to have changed I t worms of what they want and don't want and not to be in sync. That being out of sync has hurt Op and might have hurt DH too - we don't really know. So this is about dealing with the past as much as now and the future.

For most women, there is no future with a man who repulsed them with their touch. However it's not quite clear if this repulsion is a reaction to the hurt Op has felt due to previous rejection by DH, or his touching more generally. No-one wants to be in a bed with a man who repulsed them. And I wonder if even a seemingly platonic relationship would see the repulsion quickly spread into other areas of life and be obvious to DH and turn every aspect of the relationship sour.

Does this really have to be about blame as some listers suggest? Things aren't right between these 2 and there might be a way forward or there might not. I'd always be keen to look at if there is a way forward before deciding there definitely isn't. It does start with talking and probably counselling.....and just the fact it's been tried before with great success doesn't mean it shouldn't be tried again. It partly depends how keen Op is to look into this and have a go or how far she has written it all off already.

Op I can completely relate, my relationship is very similar in that area including lack of foreplay, I tried to speak to him about that and he seemed phsyically repulsed by the idea, and then years of him having no interest in sleeping with me at all. I began to wonder if he might be gay but he started to show an interest in me again. Sadly I now cannot bear the thought of being intimate with him. The last time we did was about a year or two ago and I hated it. We are still together but I plan to leave as soon as I find a job. You have every right to ask him not to touch you. He might not want to stay in a sexless relationship though, which is fair enough - and I don't think you should stay with him either as you deserve to be happy too.

thats grounds for divorce

I think you lost intimacy and when you have that conversation maybe is worth mention that. It is a bit like thinking about undressing again in front of an ex. They've seen you naked had sex with you etc but there is no connection and obviously it's embarrassing. He is your husband but he isn't your lover and you said it he feels like a good friend.
I hope he won't be shocked but you do need to say that it doesn't feel right to kiss or touch you anymore.
Very sad but you've been condition not to have any physical contact and that's normal to you.
He changed his mind but clearly it's too late for you.

Anyone who uses the language of "rights" clearly knows their husband hasn't that right "to touch them". Just using that language to get "clicks"?

No idea what this thread is about. To get attention without saying the true story? Didn't bother to read the rest, as felt it was false pretences.

BUT perhaps I've misunderstood, sorry OP. Just don't like to feel misled on threads and may have taken umbrage unfairly ....

You need to have a really good honest chat with him. Things may be very different from his perspective. All those years ago, he may have decided you weren't sexually interested in him and stopped for that reason. Perhaps he didn't make the connection between his poor attitude towards sex and your lack of interest. But at this point the relationship is done.