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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I have the right to ask my husband not to touch me?

84 replies

heartheal · 03/05/2020 10:52

DH and I haven’t had a physical relationship for years. He gave up instigating sex over a decade ago, he would be up for it if I pulled out all the stops (dressed up) but wouldn’t go down on me or finger me for example. We discussed it many times, all the right things said but nothing changed. We had counselling.

The last time we had sex it was awful. No foreplay and me lying there dying for it to be over. I stopped trying and that was that. That was 5 years ago. The last year or so he seems to have noticed me again. He hugs me, kisses me, paws me. I hate undressing in front of him as he will squeeze my bum or make some comment. Obviously now we are at home the whole time this is magnifying everything.

I just don’t feel that way towards him. He is like a friend and I don’t really feel it’s my fault as I tried for many years to reignite things before accepting very sadly that he didn’t fancy me. If he started paying this attention many years ago I would have been happy but now I am increasingly hating it. He will also use baby talk when asking for kisses and cuddle and it’s not sexy.

He would be gutted to know how I feel but it’s getting harder as I don’t feel I have any personal space and my body is not my own. I guess I do have the right to tell him but it is the fall out I am afraid of.

He is a decent guy, good father, treats me well. But I don’t fancy him and I can’t see that changing after so many years.

OP posts:

2ndStar · 03/05/2020 12:31

Lose not lost.

Jenala · 03/05/2020 12:31

What did he say during therapy about the fact that he wouldn't give you oral sex or touch you, or basically do any foreplay?

AnotherEmma · 03/05/2020 12:37

OP, the fact that this behaviour started after you started working suggests to me that it's his way of asserting his ownership of you. Reminding you of your place as subservient to his wants and needs.

I am glad that PicsinRed is rightly arguing that this is sexual abuse; that's exactly what this is, and I pointed it out early in the thread.

MarieQueenofScots · 03/05/2020 12:40

He’s rather been hoist by his own petard hasn’t he?

What strikes me is how he feels in control of your sexual relationship. When he doesn’t want it, it’s off the table, now he does want it then he thinks it’s ok to paw at you. He’s controlling you.

AnotherEmma · 03/05/2020 12:41

See "Withholding Sexual Affection" and "Controlling Sexual Intercourse":
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/subtle_sexual_abuse.html

Getlostu · 03/05/2020 12:44

If you are feeling pressurised and abused then you can leave. He’s groping you. It’s unwanted sexual attention. Tell him it has to stop and you think the two of you should sit down and draw up plans to separate. You’ve got a good job. You’ve got your confidence back. Go out and find somebody you want to be with. Your kids will be fine. For gods sakes don’t throw your entire life away!

Isadora2007 · 03/05/2020 12:50

If you’ve managed counselling before then you should be able to talk in an honest way and listen to each other again now. It may be difficult to get the time and space to do so with children around, but I think you both need to discuss each of you see where you are as a couple now and where each of you want to be. Are these views compatible, and what steps you need to take next.
Good luck.

Brownyblonde · 03/05/2020 12:54

Ffs this is not abuse. He obviously has some issues. Counselling together?

NoMoreDickheads · 03/05/2020 13:17

Ffs this is not abuse. He obviously has some issues. Counselling together?

Issues don't justify pawing someone. And OP said they'd already had counselling together.

Personally I don't think counselling often gets over not fancying someone.

Original poster

heartheal · 03/05/2020 13:19

in counselling he said he was lacking in confidence in sex but he’d never admitted that to me in the all chats we had previously. He’d always just say all the right things and then make no effort.

OP posts:

Original poster

heartheal · 03/05/2020 13:20

I’m not really earning enough to be self sufficient now but in a couple of years with the right training I could be.

OP posts:

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/05/2020 13:21

So, following counselling what happened? Did the situation improve? Was there further discussion about what was happening? What led to going to counseling in the first place and then, having gone, why was that impetus to improve things lost?

BarbedBloom · 03/05/2020 13:29

The reason OP has to initiate the conversation is because, quite rightly, she doesn't want to be pestered or pawned. I understand this as I left a relationship with a man who didn't want to have sex with me and who was also awful at it.

I think you do need to explain that after his indifference you shut that part of yourself down and now can't restart it. It is then up to him whether he wants to remain in the relationship or not.

I have said before though, my mother didn't love my father and I would see her recoil from him if he tried to hug her. It has seriously messed up my idea of relationships which was how I ended up with my first husband. Staying for the children isn't always the best idea

Original poster

heartheal · 03/05/2020 13:32

Nothing changed after the counselling. We stopped as he couldn’t tell me why he didn’t want to have sex with me so I suggested he had counselling separately in order to explore that. He agreed but didn’t do it.

OP posts:

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/05/2020 13:36

I guess, then, you're at a crossroads now and need to decide what you want.

He then has to decide whether or not that's acceptable to him.

It seems like you really have to be honest now about what you want.

Honeybee85 · 03/05/2020 13:39

I am so sorry you think that marriage means that your husband has the right to touch you. He doesn't, not against your will.
Just like women don't leave their body autonomy by the hospital door when they give birth, they equally don't leave their body autonomy by the door of the town hall/church when they get married. There is reason why rape is a crime regardless if the rapist is a stranger or your husband.

He has no right to touch you when you don't want it and if he doesn't like it he can divorce you/ find someone else.

ToDayIsGood · 03/05/2020 17:45

Hi long time lurker first time poster.

If he has no confidence with sex and previous experience was bad, only interested when very clear signed OP is initiating perhaps he just does not know how to rekindle or how to do foreplay.

I say this as my DH was amazed how many male work colleagues during a conversation about sex thought the clitoris and G spot were a myth.

Definitely talking would be good start, it is possible he's like my DH work colleagues who don't understand female anatomy hard to have foreplay if they don't think those bits exist.

WombatChocolate · 03/05/2020 18:01

You don't have to accept being touched by him if you don't want to be, but you also have to accept that the relationship you currently have might not be able to continue in its current form.

If you only now want a platonic relationship, you are entitled to that but need to accept he might decide he doesn't want to be married to you. Likewise, when he wasn't interested in sex, you could have decided you I'd t want to remain in a platonic marriage......the fact you chose to remain, doesn't mean he will make the same choice when it is him who seemingly wants sex, that you did previously.

You have rights to not be touched or to have sex, but not to keep a marriage or a father or any form of relationship actually.

Should you or anyone accept unwanted sex in order to maintain a marriage or keep a father.....I don't think there is actually a clear cut answer to that. It is a personal choice. If you really do t like him touching you, then it really might be that if he isn't happy to remain in a sexless marriage, you should end it. Yes, you lose a husband and the children's father moves out, but it seems better than putting up with unwanted sex.....any anyway, would he really want to be having unwanted sexual contact?
Lots of women I think do a bit of 'putting up' with sex - they aren't very interested and don't especially enjoy it, but they don't abhor it. It's a shame that they don't enjoy it, but they have decided that they will make that choice to maintain their marriage relationship and keep the children's father and often because they hugely value the resolution ship outside the sexual element.

So, no you dont have to out up with anything you don't like. He too doesn't have to stay in a relationship which doesn't offer the things he wants. The key Q is whether you are able together to agree on what you both want from the relationship and both to be receiving it for it to continue. It might be possible to find a way forward, or it might be that what you both want just isn't compatible and going separate ways is necessary, even though it has consequences for children etc.

AnotherEmma · 03/05/2020 18:01

"Definitely talking would be good start"

And counselling didn't count?!

LochJessMonster · 03/05/2020 18:21

Can you explain why you no longer want to have sex with him?
Is it you aren’t physically attracted? Or he doesn’t know what he’s doing?

At one time you must have enjoyed having sex with each other so can you replicate that?
Ie both dress up, nice romantic meal? Get the mood right?

AnotherEmma · 03/05/2020 18:25

"Can you explain why you no longer want to have sex with him?"

What on earth is there to explain?!
When they did have sex, he showed no interest in giving her sexual pleasure.
After she tried talking to him and they even got counselling, he decided he didn't want sex with her at all.
He's shown her no physical affection or sexual intimacy for years.
After all that rejection and hurt, why would the OP be interested in sex with him now?!

LochJessMonster · 03/05/2020 18:28

@AnotherEmma at one point she wanted sex and he didn’t. At another point he wanted sex and she didn’t.

If they can get to the point where they both want to have sex at the same time they may be able to save their relationship.

It’s ok for her to not want sex now but when he didn’t, he was in the wrong?

If he’s not very good in bed then that can be discussed and worked on.
If it’s lack of romance then that can be worked on.

AnotherEmma · 03/05/2020 18:31

Except that he wasn't interested in working on it. At some point you go past the point of no return. And groping her - that would be non consensual sexual touching - is hardly the way to repair years of a non existent sex life, is it?!

So many apologists for this man, it doesn't surprise me on mumsnet any more but it does depress me.

ToDayIsGood · 03/05/2020 18:42

Erm yes, like others suggested, so not an original thought, the counselling counts of course, but I just presumed the counselling wasn't recent but the unwanted touching was.

You could say the counselling is the start it was just a turn of phrase.

First time posting, so if turn of phrase is not completely right you might need to let me off.

LochJessMonster · 03/05/2020 18:43

I’m not apologising for him I’m trying to suggest ways the OP can save her relationship if that’s what she wants.

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