Do I have the right to ask my husband not to touch me?

[heartheal]

DH and I haven’t had a physical relationship for years. He gave up instigating sex over a decade ago, he would be up for it if I pulled out all the stops (dressed up) but wouldn’t go down on me or finger me for example. We discussed it many times, all the right things said but nothing changed. We had counselling.

The last time we had sex it was awful. No foreplay and me lying there dying for it to be over. I stopped trying and that was that. That was 5 years ago. The last year or so he seems to have noticed me again. He hugs me, kisses me, paws me. I hate undressing in front of him as he will squeeze my bum or make some comment. Obviously now we are at home the whole time this is magnifying everything.

I just don’t feel that way towards him. He is like a friend and I don’t really feel it’s my fault as I tried for many years to reignite things before accepting very sadly that he didn’t fancy me. If he started paying this attention many years ago I would have been happy but now I am increasingly hating it. He will also use baby talk when asking for kisses and cuddle and it’s not sexy.

He would be gutted to know how I feel but it’s getting harder as I don’t feel I have any personal space and my body is not my own. I guess I do have the right to tell him but it is the fall out I am afraid of.

He is a decent guy, good father, treats me well. But I don’t fancy him and I can’t see that changing after so many years.

Oh sorry OP!

I was in a relationship like that and it was soul destroying.
He didn't want to come near me but always told me he loved me and we were great together in other ways.
I lost all my confidence and I didn't know what was going on half the time.

Best thing I ever did was leaving.
It was his prerogative obviously. Nobody should have a sexual relationship with anyone against their will. but

He used me as a 'Beard' - took me ages to realise. I thought it was me.

You're a long time dead, OP. How much of your life are you going to spend living like this?

Of course you have the right to not want sex or be touched.

I do think you should have a very frank conversation with him, if you both have no real idea what the other is feeling, you will never understand each others actions and see how you move forward.

OP - I think the advice of ‘why don’t you just leave’ that you are getting - isn’t really helpful. And I think there are all kinds of marriages out there. Not all marriages have partnership/sex balance working perfectly.

If you decided that you want to stay in this marriage for the partnership/parenting/practicalities - it’s your right and you shouldn’t be made to defend yourself.

You and your H lost the sexual part of the relationship and you adjusted to it. Now that he seems more touchy/feely - and you don’t like it - it’s perfectly OK for you to tell him not to touch you in the way you don’t like.
You don’t need to be going into all the reasons or tell him about not fancying him. You are allowed to not want to be touched, period.
If he does press you for the reasons - you can say with honesty that given the period of no sex in your relationship - you have changed and now simply don’t feel like it.

He, of course, then has a right to be unhappy about it, and do something, including leaving. But given your history - I think he’ll accept it. Just like you accepted sex drying up years ago.

Depending on your ages and financial situation - if none of you feel a great need to breakup and find new partners - it’s possible to just keep living your lives the way they went for years.
It’s not the Ideal Poster Marriage.
But whose is?

Of course you have the right.

But you shouldn't be together. To view him as a friend and not want any physical attention to the point where you don't like him hugging, kissing or pawing at you.. you need to leave.

Yeah I need to put on my big girl pants and talk to him.

@whatdoyoudonow your description sounds very familiar. Glad you had the strength to move on.

@MMmomDD thank you

@whatdoyoudonow what does 'beads' mean?

@whatdoyoudonow meant to say beard, blimmin autocorrect!

Cut and paste job:

A beard, according to our trusty friends at Urban Dictionary, is a person who is used as a coverup for another's homosexuality.

A Beard is when a gay man man marries/has a girlfriend to hide his sexuality. So - Philip Schofield's wife.

I think the only thing you can do OP is be honest and have a very plain-talking conversation with your DH, explaining how you feel and exactly what the position is.

You both need to know where you stand before you can consider the future and what you both want from it.

What @MMmomDD said.

All the comments about LTB are unhelpful. You choose to stay in asexual relationship and it is your right to do so.
Your DH has chose to stay in an asexual relationship for years too and never raised that as an issue. It is his right too just like he is also allowed to 'change his mind' and want to rekindle that physical part of the relationhsip. It would have been nicer if he had actually taked to you about it rather than just being insistant the way he has been (like touching your bum etc...)

The thing is, you can say NO. There is nothing in the 'rule book' that says you have to have sex with your partner. Whether it is acceptable for both of you is a different issue and might change with time. What should not happen is for him to change his mind and sort of 'force you' to make an effort for him (again) because some people/him suddenly think its an unacceptable thing to happen.

You aren’t being unreasonable to want control and full autonomy over your body but are being unreasonable to expect him to live a life without physical affection - just as he was to you. Something has changed, maybe he’s been depressed, having an affair, or it is your new found confidence (great btw!) but this isn’t healthy or sustainable for either of you. I’m curious...are you interested in sex in general? Are you having any ‘me’ time?

Definitely agree with the open and honest conversation. Think you need to either agree to try and overcome it together, stay as you are and go elsewhere for any physical needs, or split up.
Hope it works out for you Op!

Whose sake are you staying for really; theirs or yours because this is the life you know and its somehow "easier"?.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Staying for the sake of the children is in your case its a particularly bad decision. Would you want them to have a similar sort of relationship as adults; you two are giving them the blueprint for their future relationships.

I have to say.
Why, why does it always have to be the woman who is initiating that sort of conversation and is again and again seen a the bad guy for 'refusing' to have sex with her partner???

This guy refused to have sex with her in the first place. She made peace with it. Why should it up to her to make the effort to talk because he has suddenly changed his mind?? Why can't she just say NO?
fwiw, seeing the 'quality' of the sex, I would be thinking twice about it too. Even if I was feeling sexual towards him.

I don't know you so this is 100% pure speculation but I am guessing it might be one (or both) of the following two things:

(1) For some reason which only you and/or he might know you either always had or developed a relationship dynamic where he only fancies you if you are somehow unavailable / independent / not interested - hence when you did try to initiate intimacy years ago he was not interested but now you are not fussed all of a sudden that sparks some chemistry in him (not saying this is healthy but it is a dynamic I have seen before in couples I know); and/or

(2) All those years ago when you were trying and he was not interested he was having an affair with someone else - that ended at some point (either recently or some time ago) without him leaving you for that person and now (as stated above especially in lock down) he is interested in you again.

Either way (1) and/or (2) above there are some communication issues going on. If it turned out he WAS having an affair when he did not seem interested in you can you live with him refusing to tell you about it / admit it? At the very start of your relationship did he try to touch you / initiate things in the same way he is now and if yes what is it that means for you there is no longer any chemistry? Did he always (right from the start) hate you if you ever tried to initiate sex (either expressly or implicitly)?
All of the above are rhetorical questions - but at the end of the day either he confesses to something or opens up communication with you and you work through it, or you decide you can live with the idea that he once might have had an affair but you do not need to know, or you leave him (before he leaves you in all likelihood). Those are my guesses

OP, it's his prerogative to have changed his mind about a physical relationship and it is yours to say that after 5 years I no longer have any interest.

His behaviour must be making your skin crawl.

You were hurt years ago, but the hurt has healed and the interest has fully evaporated.
He needs to know this.

Time to focus on the future you want.

So, you wanted sex for years but he wasn't interested. Now he's decided he's interested and is groping you?

What annoys me about this is that, as is so often the case, a man thinks that what he wants is how things will be. So he didn't want sex, and the sexual part of the relationship ended. Now he does and you are supposed to just be gagging for it and enthusiastically jumping into bed. It annoys me that now YOU are the one who is going to have to initiate a conversation about it. If something has changed for him, HE should be the one approaching you and explaining. Asking how you can rekindle things etc.

However, if you do want to maintain your marriage, you ARE going to have to talk. You need to ask him what is going on? Why is he suddenly so touchy feely? Does he want sex? Does he think years of no sex can just be cancelled with no talking or effort to get back into it? I mean, at the very least, it seems to me that if you've not had sex for years then even if you're both keen you would be unlikely just to wake up one morning and get busy as it were?

your description sounds very familiar. Glad you had the strength to move on.

I'm glad I didn't misinterpret what you are saying.

Yes, a 'beard' is slang for a person who is used as a cover up for another person's true sexuality.

I am not surprised that you have no interest in his advances after so many years of 'rejection'.
You would be right to talk to him but be VERY honest, don't play down how you feel.

He strikes me as sexually abusive.

He would only have the sort of physically uncomfortable (painful? embarrassing?) sex with you that you didnt enjoy. Then he withdrew sex altogether and forced you to be celibate.

What would he have been like to divorce if you had left him? Did you fear how bad the divorce would be?

Now that you have some confidence and the hope of meeting people and rebuilding your life (lemme guess, kids are getting less dependent?) he is again trying to force sex on you that you dont want in a way that has zero to do with your needs and wants, treating you as a meat lump.

He needs to go.

You were hurt years ago, but the hurt has healed and the interest has fully evaporated.He needs to know this

This!
Use these words!

It's really unpleasant to be touched that way by someone you don't feel that way about and/or who you know doesn't do it for you sexually.

Time to move on- before you know it all the men around you will be old and have erectile dysfunction, and you'll have missed out on another 10 years of decent sex.

Op you said you've had counseling together - did anything come up.in that that explained his attitude towards sex?

I know people have jumped on the he's gay/been having a an affair bandwagon but has anything else changed for him in the past year? Has he stopped or started any new medication?

As for it being unfair that the woman has to instigate the conversation well that's a moot point isn't it? She doesn't have to instigate the conversation, she could just tell him to not touch her but that won't resolve anything will it, which is what I'm.assuming op wants?

When did you start earning your own money compared to when he started pawing at you?

I’d be wondering if he thought you earning might mean he would lost his nanny/housekeeper.