wanting a family but cannot find the right man

[greenyblueeyedgirl]

Hi all,

Hope.you will indulge me with a moan, any suggestions and reassuring stories.

my biological clock is deafening me and I am worried I will never find the right man and have a family which I really want. I am nearly 34.

I have had a string of 1-5 year relationships with nice guys who have ultimately not been right long term, several shorter term things that have lasted a few months and absolutely more dates than I can count.

over the last couple of years I OLD'ed really hard- treatednit as a project outside work, tried to meet men socially volunteered, started a part time course, have hobbies, changed jobs and just nothing.

Without sounding full of myself, I am quite attractive (definitely no supermodel) and quite outgoing so I do get a fair bit of attention and matches but I just haven't met anyone who I want a relationship with long term (or on the two occasions I have, who wants one with me ha). And god, I have tried.

In OLD my only real search criteria is that I want an educated and professional man. not to be a snob, it's not about money or night earners only, and I know loads of fantastic guys are not these things but I can't date everyone and I thought this would give some indication that the conversation would be good and they would be fairly settled in life or heading there. I have tried dating men outside these criteria and it has not worked out.

I was quite Ill for most of last year so had to take a break from dating and feel this was 6 months of looking wasted.

I have a tendency to throw myself Intowith men I really like but where there is a big geographical or cultural gap and wonder why it didn't work out

I also really want to retrain professionally which is a bit of a problem. it will take a few years and be harder with babies but I would realistically be about 39 or 40 after the degree and I feel it is too much of a risk to wait.

I feel everything is such a mess. I have a good job and rent my own flat but don't own a place or have much savings (my illness meant it took a few years to get going with my degree and a career).

I just see other people having the family and happy relationship and wonder what is wrong with me, why I cant find the right partner.

I don't think a sperm donor would be right for me to be honest both financially and I would really like a partner too.

I am chatting to 2 men in lockdown who seem nice, there is just no end in sight and one is ambivalent about a family. says he would if the right partner wanted it but would not miss kids if he didn't have them. plus is working away 6 months next year so I don't know if this is a hiding to nothing and I have not learnt from past experiences.

argh. sorry all for the rant and the lack of caps. This is just really bothering me and I don't know what more I can do

sorry for the errors, my phone keypad keeps sticking.

high earners only*
throw myself into relationships with men*

Is it children you want, or a man and children? Would you consider adopting as a single mum? There's obviously a lot to consider, but worth looking in to.

Hi op . I don't have any practical advice but I sympathize with you and you are not alone . I have been single for 8 years and although I have a dc , I don't feel fulfilled. I don't think I ever will without that family unit . I don't blame you for not wanting a donor .I have given u dating as I always end up getting hurt . I Hope someone comes along with better advice for you. You are not alone

I am in a similar position but older. I’ve been trying to use this lockdown to take some time to find out what I want from my life and what I want in a relationship. I’ve been binge listening to Matthew Hussey (dating guru) to try and really retrain my heart and mind on what it means to be dating and what I want from a relationship.

I don’t think anyone can wave a magic wand and find a partner who’s perfect for them- it takes time and I think a lot of self-love to know what is right for you and what’s not. It’s so cheesy and corny but I think spending time looking inwards and building confidence is really the only way to move forwards.

To be honest Abbccc I would like both a man and children.

I know the retraining ambition is really untimely but unfortunately it is just how the timing has worked out and I think that I would really struggle to do that and bring up a child alone.

I am not guaranteed to get onto the course but it's what I have always wanted to do and I don't feel i want to give that up, or give the idea of a family up and don't know how having both would work with adopting as a single person.

I just feel time has really sneaked up on me. I have got a few health challenges and related obstacles with work and education out of the way and all of a sudden I am nearly 34 and no closer to being settled than I was 10 years ago!!

sorry again for the moaning!

Maybe stop thinking about kids. They arent on the cards for you right now. And so what? Take life as it comes. Perhaps you'll adopt when you are fifty. Or marry a man who has kids a few years from now. Why stress over shit that may or may not be. There are a million ways you can make a family for yourself even without children anyway (House shares, friendships, pets).

Live life for the now. You dont what to date, dont date. You do? Then do. A guy isnt making you happy? Get shot. It sounds like you've been doing alright for yourself with men so far so I'm sure it'll all work out. But it sounds like you might be at a point in life where you need to do some work on being happy within yourself rather than looking for something to... fix it...like men or babies.

You're not moaning, it isn't easy to find the right man at the right time!

Feel free to moan but I hope you don’t mind me being honest but you come across as being intense. Bull in a china shop springs to mind. I was exhausted just reading your post. If you’re that intense you’re probably attracting the wrong type of guy and so busy selecting and sifting guy after guy that a nice, mellow, chilled out family type guy could be right there and you’d miss him in all the busyness. You said you made it a project. That’s going to come across to everyone. In my experience it’s the educated and professional guys who are the bad picks! They’re so arrogant, full of themselves and self confident that they just want their own life, never give any woman anything that is theirs and don’t want to share! They just want to shag. Oh they’ll settle down when they hit mid 40’s and realise that their supply of attractive mid 30’s is running out. Your chances of nabbing a suitable, willing mid 30s guy who wants to interrupt their wonderful educated, professional life with screaming kids and sleep deprivation...well...not likely is it. The best guys are those that are decent, honest, kind and have come from a good, secure, solid family background. They aren’t workaholics and maybe haven’t even got a degree education. You should widen your search and maybe tone down the intensity?

thanks lovelost sending solidarity!

palmtree I will give him a listen, I've sort of been doing the same, doing a lot of work to get to the weight I want to be, working on the things that make me happy, my studies etc.

Thanks Wanderlust I'm just a bit sad it's got to that point where I am looking at accepting that a family may never happen (in the next few years if not right now but it is creeping up) and there is probably some reason with me that I don't understand. I've done my time house sharing though, and am lucky to have a smallish number of great friends. With men, it just feels like I always get quite close but it never lasts. a step family wouldn't be a replacement to having my own if I am brutally honest.

Here is what I wish I had done/someone had said to me when I was in your position:

1. Get your fertility tested (this is easy to do via GP once lockdown over)
2. Freeze some eggs
3. Get some psychotherapy to have an outside perspective and support
4. Consider how important the child vs the relationship is and if the answer is the child, pursue other routes (understanding that ideally what you want is both)

I was single for several years having ended a relationship in early 30s. Rushed into relationship with a screaming biological clock age 36 and has 1st DC at 37. Ex DP very quickly revealed himself to be abusive once pregnant. Now, 8 years on am v v happily settled with DP and blended family but was too late to have the second child that was essential to me. My own experience has of course biased my answers to you but also to promise their can be a happy ever after even if it not the conventional way. Good luck and hoping it all works out for you.

Oh I completely disagree. You’re not intense (or moany!). You know what you want for good reason, for goodness sake don’t settle!

The shitty thing is OP, it’s your luck. And it sounds like you’ve had a pretty shit time of it lately, so hopefully it changes soon.

That being said... I think in your shoes I’d do the course. If it makes your life even a third better, that’s reason enough.

Tbh I think that you need to be realistic, men will co2and go if the past is any indication of your future. Whereas a child is permanent.
The child is time limited for conception purposes whereas the partners can be forever more on the 1-5 years cycle you've be on repeated cycles of.
I'd say that a sperm donor is the best solution.
Though tbh you sound driven by needing a man to provide with financial statement which may have been an issue in your previous relationships I don't know. But education /intellect do not equate to financial stability.

You need to stop focusing on you tick list

Education and professionalism don't dictate if someone is a good partner or father.

I used to date the same type of guy over and over and it always ended the wrong way.

Chucked my wish list out the window and met someone who was a friend for six month before anything happened. He wasn't my type so I kept thinking well this will end soon.

He was overweight and painfully shy. I helped him loose 4 stone and built his confidence up, he stayed with me through my very very darkest days and is still here.

He didn't do as well as I did at school or at Uni and he isn't as ambitious as I am. He is an incredible father and husband.

Start looking outside the box

Getlostu thanks for the honesty and you're right, I do sound a bit much in the post, reading it back! promise I am a lot less full on In real life, just feeling a bit stressed about it all today for some reason.

I did actually include guys up to 45 in my search after realising what you say is true in a lot of cases and try dating some who weren't particularly educated or professional. no luck though.

I suppose the 'project' allusion was to indicate that I have taken this seriously and really tried rather than just leave it to chance, not that there were spreadsheets or milestones involved. I can see some areas where I have gone wrong in the past though, for sure.

Theres nothing wrong with you! Sometimes stuff just doesnt last!

Could you look into fostering perhaps?

My aunt fostered around 10 kids for several years each (when they were between 11 and 17) and 18 and now it's like she has a massive family. She did it whilst single and working too for much of it. And of course some of them have kids now too so she gets to be granny but give them back at the end of the day.

When I hit 38 and the man I was seeing made it clear it wasnt going to be long term I joined a dating agency. Not online, but a real life one with a fee of over £1000. Every person was interviewed in person. I thought that and the fee would put off those who just wanted access to a lot of single women for easy hook ups, and were hopefully looking for long term relationships.
After a year, meeting 13 men and dating a few for a few weeks, I met my husband. We married when I was 40 and we had two kids (he also had kids from a earlier marrage).
So there's nothing wrong with being proactive but I'd go ahead with your retraining. It's very attractive meeting someone passionate about what they are doing. Then accept any social invitation to parties etc. Do not get too intense if you meet someone you fancy - if I learned anything from meeting 13 men it was if they are interested they will call, if they don't they just aren't interested enough. Goodluck.

This makes me so sad. I have known now lots of guys who said the same. I just don't understand why y'all can't find each other and settle down!

Just to say- whilst it is lovely to have kids when you are in 20s or early 30s you can still be a fab parent when you are a bit older too.
Stay fit and healthy, that helps. I had my 2nd and last (I hope) child aged 42 and it was a great experience. So don't give up hope you could easily have 10 years good biologically health and then there's fostering and adopting too.

You are doing all the right things al just carry on. I know it is frustrating but at your age, a lot of first relationships are failing and men are back on the open market. Hope it works out soon for you x

@Pipandmum - I’m considering joining a dating agency after lockdown is over. I’d be really interested to hear whether you felt the quality of men was better, and whether the fee did indeed seem to weed out those who weren’t serious or were just looking for sex?

Theyweretheworstoftimes it is lovely to hear you have worked out so well together.

In terms of thinking outside the box. there is one guy who has grown on me over the past couple of years. he is clever, gentle, and kind but quite serious compared to me and not really 'my type' so to speak but that isn't everything.

the only problem is that he is from Australia originally and I just worry about getting involved and then him deciding to go back just as it gets too late for me to have kids.

well aware this sounds extremely intense and I have never expressed this to him. I would consider giving things a try with him (he would like to with me), I just see my pattern of unsustainable relationships repeating.

a real life dating agency sounds Interesting... never even thought of that! how do you find a good one?

Fostering and adoption are hugely different from having biological children, and I don't think are particularly helpful suggestions.

Don't write yourself off as having a pattern- give it a try with your Aussie!

I'm 43. I wanted marriage & children at your age, then developed a psychotic illness, lost my career, took years to stabilise & here I am single & sadly childless.
Not at all saying that is likely to happen to you!! But what I'm trying to say is things don't always turn out the way you expect them to.

I wish I'd had a child either by a sperm donor or one of my flings in my early 30s.
(But given my illness I may have lost custody of the child).

If I was you though I'd definitely concentrate on becoming a mum.
You've got your whole life to find a partner.
Maybe once you stop looking & relax you might actually find one!! (That's the cliche isn't it).

You sound fine and like lots of other young, professional women, especially in London. You are driven and like to achieve a lot. This can rub some people up the wrong way, but there is nothing fundamentally wrong with wanting that or wanting a partner who fits in with those plans. There are plenty of men out there who are exactly the same too.

My advice to you would be:

Broaden the age criteria on your OLD profile - up to at least 49. A forty-something man may well be ideal for you if you want to settle down ASAP. Also play around with criteria like height, as that may open up the field.

Regarding education/professional status, are you open to different versions of that? If you are just looking for a lawyer, doctor, accountant or banker then that is a bit limited, sorry. But if you are open to someone with a good level of education but a bit outside that sphere, that could also help.

PS. My DH and I are from completely different sectors and spheres of life, but we are both very ambitious in our own way.

In some ways, I think your problem is going to dating sites with only one criterion: educated & professional.

When men see a woman who says, essentially "I'm not picky except I need an educated professional," whether you intend it to or not, they hear "I want a man with a fat paycheck."

You'll be weeding out anyone who would rather be liked for, say, being funny, or a great cook, or any of the other things a man might have to offer.

You don't have to exclude your main criterion. You can still ask for that. But try - and I know this is very counterintuitive! - to ask for more. You'll find that if you have one or two other things you mention that you're really very fond of, like "I love a man with a great voice" or something like that, you'll get a better population of men. You just will.

Ermmm Aussie guy sounds great!

I’m your age, married, DC. I have a few brilliant single friends. All very different, but what I would say about them all is: they’re uncompromising. And at this stage of life, they’re struggling just as you are. The thing is that most of us who have the things you want have compromised on other things. Those of us who are happy have made compromises we chose, with open eyes. So my advice would be get real with yourself about your priorities and let some things go. The ‘professional man’ bit sticks out a mile tbh, because you’re using it as a filter for something very different (good chat, dependable, secure), none of which are necessarily attached to status.