wanting a family but cannot find the right man

[greenyblueeyedgirl]

Hi all,

Hope.you will indulge me with a moan, any suggestions and reassuring stories.

my biological clock is deafening me and I am worried I will never find the right man and have a family which I really want. I am nearly 34.

I have had a string of 1-5 year relationships with nice guys who have ultimately not been right long term, several shorter term things that have lasted a few months and absolutely more dates than I can count.

over the last couple of years I OLD'ed really hard- treatednit as a project outside work, tried to meet men socially volunteered, started a part time course, have hobbies, changed jobs and just nothing.

Without sounding full of myself, I am quite attractive (definitely no supermodel) and quite outgoing so I do get a fair bit of attention and matches but I just haven't met anyone who I want a relationship with long term (or on the two occasions I have, who wants one with me ha). And god, I have tried.

In OLD my only real search criteria is that I want an educated and professional man. not to be a snob, it's not about money or night earners only, and I know loads of fantastic guys are not these things but I can't date everyone and I thought this would give some indication that the conversation would be good and they would be fairly settled in life or heading there. I have tried dating men outside these criteria and it has not worked out.

I was quite Ill for most of last year so had to take a break from dating and feel this was 6 months of looking wasted.

I have a tendency to throw myself Intowith men I really like but where there is a big geographical or cultural gap and wonder why it didn't work out

I also really want to retrain professionally which is a bit of a problem. it will take a few years and be harder with babies but I would realistically be about 39 or 40 after the degree and I feel it is too much of a risk to wait.

I feel everything is such a mess. I have a good job and rent my own flat but don't own a place or have much savings (my illness meant it took a few years to get going with my degree and a career).

I just see other people having the family and happy relationship and wonder what is wrong with me, why I cant find the right partner.

I don't think a sperm donor would be right for me to be honest both financially and I would really like a partner too.

I am chatting to 2 men in lockdown who seem nice, there is just no end in sight and one is ambivalent about a family. says he would if the right partner wanted it but would not miss kids if he didn't have them. plus is working away 6 months next year so I don't know if this is a hiding to nothing and I have not learnt from past experiences.

argh. sorry all for the rant and the lack of caps. This is just really bothering me and I don't know what more I can do

like supermarket manager, landscape gardener, electrician, plumber

All those jobs need 2.3 years of college or some intelligence to get to Manage a supermarket.

And they could all be on 40k plus so hardly that working class.

You could be a plumber or electrician paid 30k and they only shop in Aldi and Asda and never feel the need to go on holiday or buy more than basic clothes.
Its not the job more the person.
I talk to various guys with these jobs or working in IT, some have basic standards of living and some like the nicer things in life and don't just buy the cheapest food/clothes and go to the cheapest restaurants.
I am looking for a middle ground type of man which seems impossible to find.

If I had my time again I would decouple the urge to have children from the need to find the right man.

I ended up settling for someone who was abusive and an alcoholic because of my biological clock. I'm now separated with a DD and very happy, but its been a tough decade.

The thing is you can never and should never rely on a man to provide all the things you need for a stable life.

Some people are lucky enough to find someone who is solid, dependable, loving, a soulmate and also wants to have kids. The majority, in all honesty, end up cutting corners and settling, with bad consequences.

If having kids is your number one priority I would focus on that -- that allows you to cut through the noise and forget about trying to shoehorn someone into a role they probably aren't cut out for. Adopt, or sperm donor.

If finding the perfect man is the priority then you may have to accept that children may not happen.

BTW, educated and professional is not a short-cut to interesting/reliable/decent. It may help you avoid some obvious bear traps but there are just as many arseholes in this category as any other. Not knocking educated and professional men -- they may be better company but they are quite often more selfish and less likely to focus on you.

My friends husband who's a supermarket manager left school at 16 and went straight to work in the supermarket, worked his way up. It's possible to do that in retail.
The others did on the job training with day release to college.

But not to derail the thread, I do think that when you reach your 30s you have to think seriously about having a child on your own if you're getting near 35 & not meeting the right man. Freezing your eggs wouldn't be a bad idea! I wish I had done that actually.

I've read some articles that suggest that egg freezing is basically a scam though.

Egg freezing has very low success rates and costs a bomb. Not the magic answer it’s often portrayed as being.

I don’t think you sound intense or exhausting OP. I really feel for you, it sounds terrifying to be in this position. I’m so sorry.

Yy to being a team. Money in a relationship is about attitude as much as quantity, and earnings don’t tell the whole story. A high earner on paper might have lots of debt, spend it like water, or be really mean with it. Someone on 30k might be really sensible, with savings, and yet never raise an eyebrow at your model railway habit because ‘it makes you happy’ (that’s a joke but you get my drift)

Is it just me who’s surprised at how £30k is being bandied around as an example of a low income in a partner on this thread? Where I’m from that’s the salary of someone doing very well.

Widen your search. There’s worse things in life than being adored by a bit of rough!

Personally I think emotional intelligence is just as if not more important than intellectual intelligence.

However, some people do want a partner who is their "intellectual equal" and that's fair enough. Some men (not all men obvs) don't like it if their partner is more intelligent, more educated, a higher earner - it can cause tension. Of course there must be many couples who do make it work, because they respect each other and are equally intelligent (even if it's in different ways). But I don't think it's particularly fair on the OP to keep pushing her away from this item on her "wish list" if it is genuinely very important to her.

There are different types of intelligence. DH is the total opposite of me in many ways but he is quick witted and imaginative. He didn't achieve academically at all and if we had met at uni we would not have got on! But somehow the circumstances under which we met meant we had a spark.

Don't give up OP but do throw that checklist away. At the top should be "loves me" followed by "no major character flaws" I.e. drinker, gambler, violent.

Sorry if it's reductive but do consider what your relationship was with your father growing up. These issues really do impact who we choose for mates.

totally agreed about emotional intelligence being vital.

Argh. its about wanting the full package to a greater or lesser degree. just some compatability.

I'm well aware that my criteria have been far from foolproof. I have met a number of men who have done the career path, quite often from what they describe, following their parents' decisions and it has left them with very little else to give.

my dating and relationships history has been a lot more open minded in terms of jobs and education. it has just been this past couple of years, trying to narrow it down to men I thought might be serious about settling down and who might be interesting.

@CrystalAlligator oh I know 30k is plenty, it's more than I'm on. I was offering it as a realistic, healthy salary for someone with a non-professional job (trade, self-employed), an amount of money that would be a noticeable contribution to a household, but wouldn't keep you in champagne and bubble bath if you didn't work yourself. It depends where you live, obviously!

And on the job specs front...my old boss bought his house in cash after 15 years running a coffee shop; he also owns the two buildings the shop is spread across, including upstairs flats which he rents out. He started with 15k and a kiosk. It's all anecdata I know, but still! The problem really is that w/c blokes like that tend to settle down a bit earlier :)

Don't give up OP but do throw that checklist away. At the top should be "loves me" followed by "no major character flaws" I.e. drinker, gambler, violent.

You've obviously never tried OLD. Either that or you had the sort of app which people would pay a lot of money for.

Jesus.

Hey, I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. Most of your post resonates with me so much! I am 33, and I have also OLD for ages and not met the right person yet. I say yet because hopefully, it will happen, and for you too.
The lockdown situation is not helping. It feels like life is on hold and we’re wasting time. Outside of work and dating do you have any hobbies, good social life (obviously not now ) etc ? One positive thing about this lockdown is it’s made me work on myself - trying to improve my fitness, yoga, meditate, read more, have some forced ‘down time’ and a break from dating.
I know how hard it is and I hate it when friends and family say ‘you’ll meet someone when you’re not looking,’ but there has to be some truth in it. My hope is that by feeling better about myself when this is all over I’ll be in a better position to be mor relaxed on dates. I don’t know if this is helpful, but your post struck a nerve with me and I just wanted to let you know there are plenty of others in the same position. Not always helpful I know, but sometimes it’s just good to vent / chat

HI OP

This line: educated and professional man

reminded me of an article I read about the dating gap. www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/nov/10/dating-gap-hook-up-culture-female-graduates
There's also a book about it www.amazon.co.uk/Date-Onomics-Dating-Became-Lopsided-Numbers/dp/076118208X

You're not alone!

Thanks for your lovely post, Choc I totally agree that this lockdown has been good for having an enforced stocktake and time out of dating and rethinking what I want from that part of my life.

I do have a good social life and hobbies but tbh the things I enjoy are quite solitary, I have started running again but wouldn't get any enjoyment out of a club for instance