wanting a family but cannot find the right man

[greenyblueeyedgirl]

Hi all,

Hope.you will indulge me with a moan, any suggestions and reassuring stories.

my biological clock is deafening me and I am worried I will never find the right man and have a family which I really want. I am nearly 34.

I have had a string of 1-5 year relationships with nice guys who have ultimately not been right long term, several shorter term things that have lasted a few months and absolutely more dates than I can count.

over the last couple of years I OLD'ed really hard- treatednit as a project outside work, tried to meet men socially volunteered, started a part time course, have hobbies, changed jobs and just nothing.

Without sounding full of myself, I am quite attractive (definitely no supermodel) and quite outgoing so I do get a fair bit of attention and matches but I just haven't met anyone who I want a relationship with long term (or on the two occasions I have, who wants one with me ha). And god, I have tried.

In OLD my only real search criteria is that I want an educated and professional man. not to be a snob, it's not about money or night earners only, and I know loads of fantastic guys are not these things but I can't date everyone and I thought this would give some indication that the conversation would be good and they would be fairly settled in life or heading there. I have tried dating men outside these criteria and it has not worked out.

I was quite Ill for most of last year so had to take a break from dating and feel this was 6 months of looking wasted.

I have a tendency to throw myself Intowith men I really like but where there is a big geographical or cultural gap and wonder why it didn't work out

I also really want to retrain professionally which is a bit of a problem. it will take a few years and be harder with babies but I would realistically be about 39 or 40 after the degree and I feel it is too much of a risk to wait.

I feel everything is such a mess. I have a good job and rent my own flat but don't own a place or have much savings (my illness meant it took a few years to get going with my degree and a career).

I just see other people having the family and happy relationship and wonder what is wrong with me, why I cant find the right partner.

I don't think a sperm donor would be right for me to be honest both financially and I would really like a partner too.

I am chatting to 2 men in lockdown who seem nice, there is just no end in sight and one is ambivalent about a family. says he would if the right partner wanted it but would not miss kids if he didn't have them. plus is working away 6 months next year so I don't know if this is a hiding to nothing and I have not learnt from past experiences.

argh. sorry all for the rant and the lack of caps. This is just really bothering me and I don't know what more I can do

Sorry to ramble but - my DH had set career when I met him but it was clear he was incredibly generous of spirit and he cooks all our meals, does all the food shopping and cleans the kitchen every single day. I fucking love it and it makes me quite amenable to having sex in the evenings. Long term life together is very much about that kind of balance

Op can I just say as someone who's biological clock ticked so loudly I overlooked all the red flags, I'm now a single parent to three kids and I'm only 36, sometimes you're better off waiting until you really meet the right
Person. Even if you're a bit older having your first. There's risks yes, but lots of great science to support you having kids right up until your 40s

A lot of things happen in life and it's impossible for us to plan our future.
I get what it's like to be lonely and unfulfilled especially when you see others close to you settle down.

Sorry I never finished what I was saying. What I wanted to say was aussie guy sounds great! Aussies in general are great. And a bit of ying and yang might be no harm. Ditch the lists too! Lots of brilliant people out there who are ambitious in completely different ways, artists, chef, farmers etc

To those who are saying to disregard professional status: it’s a fair point, but how on earth is one supposed to date a man who earns 10-20% of what you do? I’ve tried it and it was painful and embarrassing for all concerned. The men felt extremely emasculated.

thirty pretty sure my plumber earns more than me and i’ve got three degrees and a really interesting job.

@greenyblueeyedgirl the husband grew up in Singapore. We go there every year on a trip.

Lots of things can be overcome. Don't write people off before you have tried.

You won't find Mr perfect, cause you don't know what you need yet.

I still look at my husband and think well you are not my type.

We have been together ten years. He isn't perfect and nor am I. We compromise and pick battles.

Terralee I am so sorry to hear all you have been through, what awful timing.

@StormCiara Nobody is denying that there are some people with no education or vocational training who earn a lot of money, but it’s not the norm.

StormCiara that is an excellent point. I thought that the education and commitment to work etc was a sort of shorthand for the main qualities I want whereas they are an end in themselves with better indicators than someone's occupation.

I am starting to really like the Aussie and never thought I would! he is a quiet, solid type, teetotal (which, for good or bad, I have always found slightly offputting unless there's a medical reason) terrible dresser, but what he does say is so worth listening to.

hypothetically speaking, I wouldn't be adverse to moving abroad in the future, it just wouldn't be until I had hopefully qualified and I suppose timing is quite critical to me now.

Look at it from the guys perspective. You want professional, well educated, above average income. On top of that you don't explicitly say but you would want a bit of chemistry I assume too, so confident, good looking as well. And you also want a man not more than 40 ideally, given you only reluctantly extended your criteria to 45.

So your criteria are actually quite exclusive. Although many women here will say never settle, and that lowering your standards is a recipe for disaster.

I meant to say too, from the guys perspective such an above average guy will perceive he has an abundance of options and will have less reason to want to settle down right away.

Scott you're right. this has been useful as I had no idea previously, due to the sheer numbers of men on OLD, quite how narrow my criteria are.

I think maybedoctor makes a good suggestion about increasing my age range but will 49 year old men largely be looking for what I'm looking for?

OP before you increase your age range change the qualities you are looking for. You will actually find an abundance of men in your age range if you do that.

Hold up! So you're only 33 coming up to 34 and you are ready to settle with an man (the Aussie) you have no real chemistry with or attraction to just to have children? Don’t let fear run your life here. You have time and if I was you I wouldn’t even consider settling if you really must until a few more years.

You never know who you could meet in the next month, two months or the next year you just never know. You are still young! You still have time to find the right one, there are professional educated men who also want to settle down if that’s what you’re looking for you just haven’t met him yet. If you settle all will happen is you look at other seemingly happy family’s who's wife and husband are actually happy and in love and you will regret it and still won’t have the happy family unit you long for because you won’t be in love. I can’t believe people are even telling you to adopt or use a sperm donor?! That’s never the same but my god don’t write yourself off yet at 33

I had my DD at 42 when married. I'm now 53 and been a single parent for 8 yrs. you have time still

I feel for you, OP. I have a friend in a similar position and I find it really hard to advise her without being patronising - I think a lot of it is luck; I was lucky to meet my DH, and she hasn't been lucky yet. Of course the older you get the higher the stakes and the harder it must be to strike a balance between taking a relaxed attitude and just seeing how it goes v not wasting time on someone when it's not likely to work out.

FWIW I think @HappyHedgehog247 has given excellent advice and I think you should do all that.

I do think psychotherapy is a good idea to help you work out if there is something unconsciously holding you back, putting you off the right guys or attracting you to the wrong ones. I would never say this to my friend but I do wonder about that sometimes.

As for the guy from Australia, it seems a strange reason to write him off. People fall in love when they're from different counties and cultures all the time - if your relationship is strong enough, if it's "meant to be", you'll find a way to make it work. If you were in a relationship in the past with someone who chose to move countries rather than be with you, he just wasn't that into you. Sorry I've ended up talking in cliches It must be hard to throw yourself into something if you've been hurt or disappointed in the past.

"I find it really hard to advise her without being patronising"

Just to clarify, I am very conscious of NOT being patronising which is why I find it hard to advise, I don't think I actually do patronise her (I hope not!)

"due to the sheer numbers of men on OLD"
Unfortunately a large number of those men are just after casual sex, which could help lead to that sense false abundance.

"will 49 year old men largely be looking for what I'm looking for?"
Possibly. Given that male fertility works differently from female fertility, late 40s is when many men will start to feel their biological clock running out.

thanks Emma not cliched or patronising at all and just to be clear, it's nothing against Australians!!

I am just worried about getting invested in something when there are big emotional and cultural factors potentially pulling the other person thousands of miles away that could kick in.

I get it, but also, there are plenty of Brit/Aussie couples who do make it work - I'm not dismissing the challenges, but they don't have to make it impossible. It seems a bit weird to write off everyone who's from a country that's too far away - especially if they've living happily here.

ah got you, Emma. well, perhaps I would feel differently if he had been here a really long time but it's only been a couple of years and he travels a lot internationally with work so doesn't seem to have put down very deep roots yet.

Could be worth a try anyway. DH and I met each other when he was about to move cities and then I freaked when I started falling for him because I had to move countries in about 6 months... well he moved with me

Sorry if that's not helpful but if it's right, you will both be willing to go for it.

but yes happyhedgehog I am very sorry to hear about your abusive relationship, great that it is over now, but that is really good advice. I will look into fertility testing. I'm having CBT related to my health issues so could bring this up with my therapist

definitely is helpful! and it wouldn't necessarily be jumping straight in with the Aussie, more of considering him seriously and going from there

Try considering him unseriously?! One or two dates and see if you have fun?