wanting a family but cannot find the right man

[greenyblueeyedgirl]

Hi all,

Hope.you will indulge me with a moan, any suggestions and reassuring stories.

my biological clock is deafening me and I am worried I will never find the right man and have a family which I really want. I am nearly 34.

I have had a string of 1-5 year relationships with nice guys who have ultimately not been right long term, several shorter term things that have lasted a few months and absolutely more dates than I can count.

over the last couple of years I OLD'ed really hard- treatednit as a project outside work, tried to meet men socially volunteered, started a part time course, have hobbies, changed jobs and just nothing.

Without sounding full of myself, I am quite attractive (definitely no supermodel) and quite outgoing so I do get a fair bit of attention and matches but I just haven't met anyone who I want a relationship with long term (or on the two occasions I have, who wants one with me ha). And god, I have tried.

In OLD my only real search criteria is that I want an educated and professional man. not to be a snob, it's not about money or night earners only, and I know loads of fantastic guys are not these things but I can't date everyone and I thought this would give some indication that the conversation would be good and they would be fairly settled in life or heading there. I have tried dating men outside these criteria and it has not worked out.

I was quite Ill for most of last year so had to take a break from dating and feel this was 6 months of looking wasted.

I have a tendency to throw myself Intowith men I really like but where there is a big geographical or cultural gap and wonder why it didn't work out

I also really want to retrain professionally which is a bit of a problem. it will take a few years and be harder with babies but I would realistically be about 39 or 40 after the degree and I feel it is too much of a risk to wait.

I feel everything is such a mess. I have a good job and rent my own flat but don't own a place or have much savings (my illness meant it took a few years to get going with my degree and a career).

I just see other people having the family and happy relationship and wonder what is wrong with me, why I cant find the right partner.

I don't think a sperm donor would be right for me to be honest both financially and I would really like a partner too.

I am chatting to 2 men in lockdown who seem nice, there is just no end in sight and one is ambivalent about a family. says he would if the right partner wanted it but would not miss kids if he didn't have them. plus is working away 6 months next year so I don't know if this is a hiding to nothing and I have not learnt from past experiences.

argh. sorry all for the rant and the lack of caps. This is just really bothering me and I don't know what more I can do

Another vote for giving a chance to the Aussie guy. You say he's not your usual type but your type doesn't seem to be working out too well ...it could be a good shake up!

Also regarding the high income thing...idk. Its nice but not the be all and end all imo.

1. He could be financially controlling

2. Is another one of your tick boxes coronavirus-proof income? Eg. No bankers, real estate, travel, self employed? My point is that these things are fickle.

I'd rather have someone who I knew would be on my team no matter what and financially contribute what we needed (as well as me) to have a comfortable life and not worry about the weekly shop' money or the mortgage...rather than someone who was on 500k and gave me £15 pocket money a week and argued over nickels and dimes.

3. You sound like you know what you want, and that's not a bad thing. It's tough but honestly maybe just relax a bit. You can try and plan the picture perfect partner, pregnancy, family, career but really how often does that happen?

You sound like a nice person, cut yourself some slack x

Yy to being a team. Money in a relationship is about attitude as much as quantity, and earnings don’t tell the whole story. A high earner on paper might have lots of debt, spend it like water, or be really mean with it. Someone on 30k might be really sensible, with savings, and yet never raise an eyebrow at your model railway habit because ‘it makes you happy’ (that’s a joke but you get my drift)

I think you are being too picky. Some relationships can grow and develop over time so the man who is "not your type" may end up being Mr Right for you.

My partner when I met him was a horrible dresser, had a lower paid job than me however he was such a kind man. Attraction grew and over two years I helped change his dress style, he has a better paid job (not as high as me but still) we are planning on buying a house and trying for a baby this year.

I could missed out on all of that if I had not given the relationship time to grow.

aw thanks SouthsideOwl you sound really nice too!

totally noted about the money side and I do agree. the education and decent job was always about trying to find someone with shared values rather than a rich man.

it's tough though. I do get the point about dating men I wouldn't normally (obv not dating anyone at the minute!) but when widening the pool, it's how to filter as I don't have unlimited time and resources for dating.

suppose the rationale behind my searches was that whilst I dont want someone who is exactly the mirror image of me, I suppose I just see other couples of similar ages (say within 10 years) so there won't be any big disparity later on and although obv there are no guarantees what will happen, they can reasonably expect to grow old together, who physically fancy each other from the off and who have stuff in common. but like Ciara says, there's no way of telling what compromises have had to be made so no point envying this on the surface.

The best thing I think is to make plans and forget about men and you'll find they'll come. Apply for your course, stop dating for a bit and widen your horizons. I don't think someone needs to be professional insider for you to have things in common, general work ethic is more important. I wouldn't settle for the Aussie guy. He doesn't sound like someone who will be your bestie friend and soul mate from what you've said, I think you need someone that matches your personality a bit more who you'll have fun and laughs with. I think you've been ruling out a lot of potentials by sticking with the suit and tie category.

I think OP is receiving a bit of stick unfairly about the professional thing. Unless I missed a post she never said they had to be rich, just a tertiary educated professional. OK that's not everyone, but its not just top lawyers and investment bankers. It's also nurses, travel agents, accountants, government employees, teachers, people in IT, people in HR, librarians, union employees, call centre workers, scientists, museum curators and thousands more job titles.

You can't win because if OP had said she would date anybody, people would be saying "OP what's the point of dating people you don't have much in common with, that won't work, you should narrow it down".

I think whatever you do don't settle!!
That way lies unhappiness.
The most content couples I know are soulmates - best friends & lovers.
Some met through OLD but some met through work, through friends or quite randomly.
I know a few women who settled for actually fairly rich men & had children with them but they are like arranged marriages.
My friends in happy marriages still text all day after years together, still flirt, still hold hands. It's lovely to see.

Egg freezing? I'd carry on with my plans and not focus on men so much.

@Happyhedgehog247

Get your fertility tested (this is easy to do via GP a private clinic once lockdown over)

Corrected that for you. The NHS doesn't do fertility testing unless you've been trying to conceive for a year

And I'm not convinced the tests are that accurate anyway.

@lockdownstress I actually had my fertility tested on NHS after a long term relationship broke down over Christmas. I went to see my GP for a referral for counselling as I literally couldn’t get out of bed and one of my big concerns was fertility. She asked me lots of questions re periods and cycle and then did a number of blood tests before confirming all looked perfectly normal. Granted it’s not super in-depth (I.e follicles on ultrasound) but it reassured me.

@Palmtree76 your GP shouldn't have done that. Completely inappropriate use of public funds. If they keep doing stuff like that they risk being asked to pay the cost out of their own pocket. And the main test done to look at follicle reserve (AMH) isn't usually available in primary care so unless the GP managed to wrangle that somehow then it wasn't of any use.

Please dont take this as me being nasty (its not meant to come across this way).

Is there any chance you could be coming across a bit desperate? I only say this as my closest friend is the same as you and she ends up going from a date ....to 100 mph with someone in what feels like days just through desperation of not wanting to be alone.

She throws herself in feet first...and is now engaged to latest bf...three months after meeting him...and is now regretting it. Shes just scared to be alone :(

Are you introducing 'serious' topics to early on in the day?

xx

You need to let go of the 'type' of man you want to be with and consider what sort of person you would like to spend the rest of your life with, bringing up children together.

I have 2 children with a man I no longer want to be with. I'm so glad I have my children, but he wasn't the right person for me at all. He is well educated, from a stable family with stable finances which I thought was what was important. What really matters though also is that a life partner and father is:
Engaged, motivated, interested, can clean up after themselves, is open-minded, flexible, has good eating habits and lives healthily, has the same ideas for bringing up children, can prioritise family over hobbies, is generous with love and money, isn't a mummys boy, can see flaws in their parents and themselves, is your champion- our cheerleader.

Nobody is perfect

thinkpink not nasty at all and quite right.

I think with the two men I met and really liked over the past 2 years, who both decided not to continue, I definitely made this mistake.

Rather than going on about weddings after two dates, this was more a case of getting really nervous and unwittingly acting quite stepfordy, overly keen and 'nice'. They were definitely initially attracted to other traits so it makes sense they were put off.

Otherwise I really haven't met anyone I have clicked with beyond a brief fling. perhaps this desperation is manifesting itself in dismissing men too soon?

posted too soon, this phone screen is a pain!

I don't mean to say i believe in game playing or treating 'em mean, just that I am quite independent but this fear of pushing away the potential right man turned me a bit less challenging.

The first guy, for instance, was constantly late to dates. this got worse and worse and we even missed a play I had booked and paid for. ordinarily I would call this out, or just go into the theatre without him but I was anxious to be cool and accommodating and laughed it off, which is certainly not 'me' if someone was a repeat offender.

Definite desperation but I think I hopefully learnt from it as I was annoyed with myself afterwards!

Anecdotally, out of the couples I know....
Doctor married to a carpenter. Two children. Insanely happy
Businesswoman with a DP who is a mechanic. Lovely chap, insanely clever bugger and can fix/turn his hand to just about anything.
HR professional, married to a publican. Five children.
High flyer in finance, DH is a plumber. No kids. Very happy.
Teacher and electrician. Bloody loaded!
Psychologist married to an 'odd job man' who used to be a surveyor. Inherited a house from his parents, he does a lot of the childcare and a lot of painting, decorating, musical instrument repair, gigging, networking etc, while her career goes stratospheric. He could go back to chartered surveying if he fancied it I suppose.
Point being, a standard 'career path' man in banking, finance, law etc isn't necessarily the guarantee of intellectual, solvent good husband and father material.

I think you would be wasting your time with the Aussie bloke, unless you are actually happy to move to Australia at some point in the future. He would inevitably want to go home one day.

Explore other avenues first - in my view that is most likely to be forty-something men who have got the no-commitment shit out of their system and who are ready to settle down.

"He would inevitably want to go home one day."

Really? And you know this?!

Well, of course I don't for this individual. Perhaps substitute inevitably for 'very likely'.

But, when I was younger I worked with lots of young Aussies and Kiwis in their twenties and early thirties. I live in/near London. The vast majority of them were here 'for now' and their ultimate plan was to go home, which they did. I am mentally searching my acquaintances and don't think I know anyone of Aus/NZ nationality in their forties or fifties who has settled here permanently. South Africans - loads - but that is for different reasons.

I have a friend from NZ who has been living in the UK for years with no plans to go back to NZ.
I don't think anecdata is particularly helpful though as everyone is different

Well, can the OP marry them? That would solve the whole thread...

Unless someone has psychology research at their fingertips, any thread about dating/love is always going to be full of anecdata.

Nah my friend is female and straight and in a happy relationship Definitely educated and professional though!

Actually my very intelligent but not academic dad was a mechanic then became an engineer building boat engines, he got promoted to supervisor but chose not to go any higher.
I will be honest - his wages were low when I was young & we did struggle as a family eg never went on holiday and had to watch the pennies. But then my mum only worked pt in a supermarket which didn't help.
If my mum had a good career it would have been different.

But at least my Dad was a decent hard working nice man.

My point is someone like my dad who has a steady manual job can be a good catch - if he doesn't mind maybe earning less than you.
All my friends husbands have 'working class' jobs like supermarket manager, landscape gardener, electrician, plumber etc but they have a good work ethic, are nice reliable blokes, attractive & intelligent despite not having degrees.